indieVISUAL Journal Challenge

The title just about says it all.
I'm thrusting my abilities,
[or quirky-misguided thoughts, whichever]
into a new project.
One that is not so pathetic and American.

God Bless America.
But I think I shall broaden my horizons a bit,
considering that we don't have much going on right now.
Seriously.
Have you ever seen a country so divided?
Our country needs prayer.
So if you're doing that, keep it up,
and if not, please start.
You don't even have to be from the US.
God hears everyone, obviously.

Anyhoooooo,
Starting in 2010 I'm going to do a visual blog post
every
single
day.
Hopefully I don't forget day one
and make it past day two.
I'm not positive if this will take place on blogger
or if I'll post it on my tumblr,
[Yes, I have both.]
Or both!
I'm not sure.
But I have about two days to decide.
Wish me,
[And everyone else,]
much luck and success!
Also,
if you are curious or want to do this yourself,
visit http://indievisualjournal.blogspot.com/ ...
That's where you get started.

Also also,
I originally heard of doing this from Charlie McDonell.
Not personally, but I've recently started following him.
On the internet.
Alrighty, that sounds stalkerish.
Hokay.
YouTube.com/Charlie
Charlie2010.tumblr.com

Because apparently I've forgotten
how to write html links. D:

So Brown Eyes, I'll Hold You Near, 'Cause You're The Only Song I Want To Hear.

-Death Cab for Cutie.- |^|

I've been thinking today,
despite my efforts not to.
Last night I almost succeeded in not thinking.
I've been playing around on Facebook like mad.
It takes some brain power.
And then knit-looming takes some space in my brain, as well.
But today it isn't working.

It's so strange.
I was reading some of my old blog posts today.
I do that every now and again.
It's interesting to see how I have changed
and how I have not.
How circumstances change.
All the memories.
I've had some pretty powerful emotions.
I blogged all the way through my first real boyfriend,
and through my second,
and now through the things I'm realizing lately.
Or rather, the things I'm admitting.
I've always realized many things,
but wouldn't look them square in the face.

I have been so.. Insecure.
And so lonely.
I found my first boyfriend and latched on
because I thought
"Here is someone who needs me, who wants me."
With my second I was overwhelmed and freaking out all the time.
The happy phase really only lasted so long.
Or maybe it's just that the scary things are more vivid memories.
I'm not really sure.
Now I find myself looking at people as they pass me.
Guys who are fairly easy to read.
Girls who are fake.
People with walls.
People with masks.
I think that very few of them are happy.
But some are happy.
I think I can finally rejoice in that.
Not be entirely jealous of someone else's happiness.
There will always be some jealousy, I think.
Until I can let myself be happy.
I think I relish pain, in some way.
I'm a bit masochistic.
It's hard not to love something
even if it is the most acute source of pain.

The thing that I've noticed
is that I will only ever be happy
[As a couple]
with one person.
I've decided this, because I believe in monogamy,
obviously, and because
I believe that I know who that one person is.
Now, I look at the opposite sex,
and every time I'm slightly more disappointed.
I don't know them, but I know who they aren't.
It's worse, when I see a trait that is so similar,
and still. Just. Not.
Coming to the realization that I know who I belong with
has a crippling affect.
I can't believe in dating anymore.
Isn't the whole point to find your mate or a lover?
I can't have boyfriends anymore.
I can't have frivolous relationships
because I'd feel like a fraud.
How dare I?

And then there is that strange romantic thought.
The "Ever since the first time I saw her..." statement.
I know I will never have that.
It is me that has that feeling, not the other way around.
I know that I will always be some sort of after-thought
even if I am the most-loved after-thought in the world.

He will be home soon.
Amy, they will all be home and they will be so close.
They might as well be in Keno,
for all the weight it carries with me.
He will be home soon.
But it is of no consequence to me.
I am only useful for a moment,
and once I am no longer needed
I might as well be a fruit fly or a mosquito.
[Depending on the level of annoyance.]

Mum says words have power.
I believe this.
It's in the Bible, somewhere.
But that doesn't mean I should live my life
taking claim to things that might never happen.
It's too.. Stalkerish.
Ew.
It is best for me to keep my mouth shut,
which is what I've begun to do.
So I write instead.
I can write more freely than I could speak, anyway.
Speaking things makes them too real.
It makes them.. not just mine anymore.
I guess the scariest part is that I could be wrong.
I am human and thus make constant error.
I believe with all my heart that I am not mistaken.
I believe it with my mind.
I see how I have compared.
How I have judged.
How I have only really wished for one thing,
even when I could not admit it to myself.
The one thing that seemed the most impossible.
And that one thing needed me.
For just a day, I was needed.
It was like I had him back, for just minute.
And then he was gone again.
But he is coming home.
It means nothing.

I write about boy because..
I hope that it will help me not to think of him.
Because I feel like such a silly girl.
A very serious, silly girl, if that makes sense.
I have always prided myself in not being shallow.
In not being a typical girl who swoons so often.
Who fills her journal with boys.
Boys that she loves anew every other day.
But.. Maybe I am just that bad.
The boy.
And all the others I used to try to forget him.
Oh.
That is horrible.
I've used.. More than just my ex's.
I don't know if I realized what I was doing..
But that doesn't make it any better.
I'm a user.
No wonder I can't seem to stay happy for long.
I'm just like those other girls.
I do what I need to do to get what I want.
Except, I'm not good at it.
It hasn't worked, obviously.
At least I have resolved to stop.
I can't keep it up, anyway.
It's such a thin plastic pleasure that doesn't last.
I need something real.
I think this is why God hasn't
allowed me to have what I want.
He knows I have put too much stock in it.
I need to be happy being alone.
But how do I do that when I'm missing half of myself
and that half is struggling through things I can't take away?
I want to help.
I want to be completed again.
Not me, but the package.
It's so confusing.
You don't need a man to be happy.
But God created us that way,
so that the two could become one.
Perhaps I'm mistaking pain for unhappiness.
I really have a wonderful life, friends, and family.
I am happy most of the time,
and I don't seek approval from the opposite sex.
Perhaps it's the link between us that is causing
these intense emotions that
I have managed so suppress until recently.
I hate feeling helpless.
I hate feeling hopeless.
[Only in that aspect, the rest of my life is perfect.]
I hate feeling like I'm being toyed with.
And like I'll never get to that path in my destiny
that leads to the most perfect thing that ever existed.
I need to stop.
I'ma go take a shower
and do something about the low blood sugar.

..In your head, Zombie.. - Cranberries.

No One Expects You To Get Up.

I'm listening to Pandora.
It's my Muse station.
It was playing Little House, by The Fray.
Thus the title up there |^|

So the other morning my mum told me something interesting.
It was interesting to me, anyhow.
So, she has been sleeping with me
in my room for a few weeks because
I have a huge bed and her room just hasn't come together yet.
[We just moved in recently.]
Well.. She's a mum, so if her babies made weird noises
when they slept she always noticed, ya know?
Well, apparently when I sleep I stop breathing.
Not permanently, obviously, else I wouldn't be alive.
But every few seconds, for a few seconds, I don't breathe.
I stop.. And then start.. Then stop.. Then start.
And it doesn't wake me up!
It's so strange.
And I'm still alive.. So I know I'm not dying, ya know?
But.. I could, I guess.
You never know.
Tonight or tomorrow night could be my last night.
Last night could have been, but it wasn't.
What I'm saying is, that I have numbered days.
The only days that are certain are the ones God gives me.
Each and every day.
And when He decides I am not needed here anymore,
or when I've strayed so far from the path
that He must take me or risk my soul... Well..
I hope it doesn't happen that way.
But you know, it puts things in perspective, sorta.
I think about how life has been so screwed up.
How God has brought me through it all.
How loved I am.
And how I've loved..
I haven't been a good friend, sister, or daughter.
I have a hard time talking to my dad,
because he doesn't contact me unless he needs something.
I miss my sister so much.
I hate that she moved away.
But I want her to be happy.
I want her to live and not look back and not regret anything.
I miss my best friend.
She is in her senior year, and she's in love.
I may never have the same relationship with her again
as I did before she met her boyfriend, but I love her
as much as the most precious members of my family.
I haven't always treated her properly.
In fact, on more than one instance I traded her love
for the thought of love from a boy.
I loved that boy so much.
He was also my good good friend.
He talked to me, trusted me,
and went through unnecessary pain for me.
And I shall never love another like I did him.
My ex-boyfriends knew this,
despite my trying to hide it,
and I feel bad about that.
But there's nothing I can do.
I talked to said boy a couple of weeks ago.
It was nice.
But it wasn't the same.
We aren't friends anymore.
We aren't kids anymore.
And he has moved on.
I missed chances and opportunities with him
because I was jealous, and petty, and didn't
believe that I had value or was good enough for him.
But I was.
God doesn't make mistakes.
People are born how, when, and with whom,
exactly how they are supposed to be.
I have made mistakes.
I can't take any of them back.
I regret them, and I wish that I could have
learned the things I know now
without having screwed up so horribly.
But there is nothing I can do now.
I pray for boy, and he will be fine.
Someday, he'll do what he loves,
he'll go back to God, and maybe he'll get married.
I may not be wearing the white dress,
I may not be there,
I may not even be alive,
but I will love him all the same.
I'm happy, I think, with myself
and with my decisions right now.
I love my friends, my mum, and they need me.
Someone needs me,
and that's what I'm really here for, isn't it?
As soon as I start living life for me again..
That's when things will go wrong.
Because I have to be careful that I want my destiny,
and not just what I want.
And destiny is so much bigger.
It's bigger than my music.
It's bigger than my friends and family.
It's bigger than my jealousy and pain.
It's bigger than my love for boy.
No matter how much I want...
It's not important.
What I want is not important.
This blog reminds me of destiny,
because no one really reads it.
I have the link for it posted on all of the social networks,
but the only times I have gotten readers
was when they said something I needed.
Boy will probably never read this,
and if he does, he might not know it's about him.
But if he reads it, there will be a reason.
There is hope for that, you know?
For me, there is hope.
But only if it's right.
Because I want boy to be where he's supposed to be.
I want him to be where he belongs.
I want nothing to be wasted.
He has so much inside of him.
So I'll continue living, for who knows how long,
until God is done with me, and pray.
Because that is why I'm here.
If only it were as simple as all of that.

Our Time Is Running Out - Muse

We Live in a Beautiful World.

You know, life is full of possibilities.
And blogging is very self absorbed.
If that means I shant be doing it anymore,
I'm not really sure.
I am thinking that I am sick of my whining.
Again.
Yes, I know I have said these things before,
"but this time it's different!"
Ugh.
No, it's not, I've just decided that I need to be a better person.
I need to be the best person I can
in order to reach my full potential.
I do not believe that it is true
that one must have a rather large ego
in order to be an accomplished artist.
Well.. I am rather arrogant,
but I work on fixing that every day.
So, I will be an accomplished artist
and a good person.
Or.. I shall try.
Yes.
I want my friends to know how much I love them.
I wouldn't be able to live without them.
Love is, well.. Every artist needs their muse, right?
I have found mine.
Love.

Finals. Woot.

I am procrastinating today.
That's what I'm doing.
Yep.
Which means I'm doing a whole lot
of absolutely nothing.
It's epic.
So no History final.. I'll do my art final.
How could I not?
But history..
Fifty percent is a good grade, right?
Yeah?
I'm on myspace, facebook, gaia, and this
all at the same time.
I'm so thirsty...
Ack!
I suppose I'll go work on my History final..
Why?
I can't believe I'm gonna do this again next term.
Who really needs Eastern Civ?
I can't really complain tho.
I'm gonna take a computer concepts class.
Haha, it's almost cheating
how easy that class is gonna be.
Let's learn to understand our computers!
Beee the computer!
Remember: Be the Computer!
Ahhaha! :D
Yes.. Well..
I should prolly gooooo.. Look at..
Something shiny... Ooover there!

God I love this.
Blogging is like talking to myself,
but on the INTERNET!
Woot!
In all honesty the conversations
I have with my self are much more interesting.
I argue.
Yes.
I do.
YES. I. DO.
xD

What the heck man.

Yar!
Me facebook be set to pirate!
Down t' davey jone's wit ya!

Hehehe :D

I'm a lil hyper..
I'm trying to be happy..
Just ignore all the stuff that I've been dealing with today.
Just.. Let it go for a few minutes.
I have take-home finals to.. Do.
I'm procrastinating hard core right now.
I'm even talking to my ex-boyfriend..
About serious stuff.
About... Feelings.
Ick.
What's wrong with me.

I have realized that I sabotage relationships.
I can't seem to be in a healthy, regular, relationship
with a guy.
It's really strange.
But now that I know this,
maybe I'll do something about it.
Maybe I'll start dating, or something.
Ick!
Umm.. maybe not.
Oh kay..
Let's take this slowly.
Let's just start with me blogging again.
After all.. My last entry was from last Spring..
When I still had a boyfriend..
And I totally foresaw what would happen.
We aren't together anymore,
in case you hadn't gathered.
I'm in college now.
I'm talking to a pretty big local band
about doing lead vocals.
I'm trying to point my life in some direction.
I just have to forget about being lonely.
Convince myself that I'm not.
God, I'm such a whiner.
Ick.
No wonder I'm single.
Gross.
I be a saucy wench!
Yarrrr!

Up and Down.

I haven't done this in a while.
And my journal..
My poor lil robot journal
[no joke, it has metallic robots on the cover<3]
Well.. It's been a bit neglected lately.

Just so much has been happening
That I scarcely understand it all.
I barely believe I'm living through all of this..
How am I supposed to write it down
When I'm this far behind?
Where do I start?

I've been so confused about everything lately.
I've been so close to breaking for a while now.
I thought I was fine.
You know?
Thought I was strong.
Honestly had myself convinced I didn't have problems,
Things don't affect me.

It's a lie.
I've been bottling.
And it's brought me to the consequences.
I've been up and down,
Up and down.
Down and up.
Upside down and sideways, rather.
I'm getting everything all mixed up.
And the worse part is that
It's hindering my ability to be there for my friends.
To REALLY be there.

Especially my boyfriend.
I've really started letting him slip through the cracks.
I don't mean to.
I just.. He..
He can read me fairly well.
He knows when something is up and..
I just don't want to drag him down.
I don't want to worry him over things like
My issues at home.
Or conversations with my ex.
Or questions I'm asking about my faith.
My beliefs.
Especially now.
Now that he's trying to change his direction.
Getting his life on a new track.
I don't want to be his weight.
And I think I am.
I saw it tonight.
He's so worried about making my day..
About taking all my cares away..
About being there for me..
I just don't want to
Be a cog in his wheel.

I've felt like such a hypocrite.
I thought I lost him for a while there..
My feelings changed.
And then he was back and..
They didn't return to the way they were..
Before.
I don't understand.
I still care about him so much.
I still want to be here for him.
I don't want to just break when I have a problem.
If we have problems.
I just..
I want to make sure my feelings weren't a lie.
That I wasn't attracted to him solely because he's better.
because he is better.
Infinitely.
And if not before,
Tonight in itself showed me that
He's willing to go an extra ten thousand miles
Just to be that one for me.
Be there for me all around.
Make me feel happy and safe.

I want to be the same for him.
I've just been so wrapped up
In the trappings of it all.
Started feeling closed in and scared.
I don't want to hurt him,
But I know that I will.
Whether a smallish-large amount
Or a huge amount,
I couldn't say.
I just know it will happen.
And I know it will be me.
And I hate that.
I'm not worthy.
I'm too far... Gone.
Stuck.
I'm one of those recurring problems.
I don't need to be the death of his heart.

I actually blew up on him today.
For something insignificant.
Something I should have shrugged off..
And I tried.
But to try means to fail.
And I did.
I blew up.
And I just can't understand
How I can treat him that way.
I don't like it.
I hate it.
I want it to stop.
I want him to run far away from me,
And never look back.
I want his life to bring him happiness.
I will only kill that life,
Whatever is left in him.
Whatever new hope is budding in his heart.
I will kill it.
And it will be worse than how I found it.
Oh please, God, no.
Not that.

Overly dramatic?
Maybe.
I don't think so.
And my journal wouldn't either,
If I wasn't so afraid to open the damn thing.
So I'm back to the beginning.
Barely explaining.
Barely understanding.
Barely starting.




Side Note:

I'M GETTING MY COMPY FIXED!!
[On Friday night.]
Teach it to try committing suicide again.
Huh!