Castles In The Sky

-Ian Van Dahl


Alrighty..
I've started playing my guitar again,
got a tuner yesterday,
and went to town on my acoustic,
snapped a string,
and moved on to my electric.
Woot!
It felt really good.
I even worked on some bar chords.
I need to do some more memorization.


This has to be short because I'm watching Smallville with mum..
But I wanted to say that
I'm doing quite well.
I'm not going to pretend things have suddenly gotten easy..
I just think that God has given me some peace.
I've released things.
I put things in his hands,
and if they happen they happen,
and if they don't, they don't.
In the meantime I'm working on my artistry,
my homework,
and some budding friendships.
I love Josh and Shannon to pieces.
They make me laugh so much!
And Josh is... Stabilizing for meh, I think.
It's pretty fantastic.
I've decided that it's enough for now,
just to work on meh.
I'm still talking to boy kinda..
But I don't expect things.
I keep praying for his way to find him.
And I pray that mine finds me.
I've decided to sorta.. Chill a lil.
Take things more slowly.
Not lazily, just.. Not so intensely.
I've been fierce about so many things..
I've worn myself out.
I'm tired of loving and despising 
and everything else.
So we'll see how my life goes.


I'm looking into beauty school,
even though I was accepted at SOU.
I have a lot of interests.
I'm just not sure in which direction to take my training.
Also, I'm planning to upload a new video
tomorrow on my youtube.
Youtube.com/MokonaLya
if you're interested.
My lappy is back up and running,
so it's about time I got back to my vlogging.
Haha.


-You're poison.-

Excruciating.

I'm glad I never put much stock in it.
He's a good friend of mine
and he absolutely adores her.
It's almost sickening.
But that's only because I'm so jealous
and so alone.
I wanted something to happen there,
because I wanted to take my life into my own hands,
and maybe find a way to suffer a little less.
He's a great guy.
But he'll never be for me, nor I for him.
It's just hard to look at them.
It's hard to look at him,
with how much he loves her.
And it's hard to look at her,
and hear her speak,
who wouldn't love her?
She's unspeakably amazing.
I've always wanted to be a little bit awesome.
Or rather, I've wanted someone to think I was.
But it's not gonna happen.
I can't take this.
I really can't.
It's been eating at me so much.
I received my acceptance letter for Southern Oregon University
in the mail this evening
and I can't even seem to be happy about it.
I can't be excited.
I don't see the point in going through the hoops
if I can't even live.
If I don't know how.
I'm too tired.
I'm too lazy.
And I know damn well
that I can't and/or won't do anything about that.
Talking to boy isn't helping.
He just has no idea.
And it gets harder and harder
for me to pretend that I don't have feelings for him.
It gets harder for me to read his messages,
and it's unbearable if I don't receive one in a couple of days.
Even those couple of day can be excruciating.
I told God I can't do this.
I asked Him to take him outta my heart
if it wasn't meant to be,
and He hasn't.
But that doesn't mean that boy will do what
he's meant to do.
And it doesn't mean he'll do it in a timely fashion.
Why is it suddenly so difficult for me to live like this?
Since when do I need a man to complete me?
Since I admitted to myself that no matter what I do
it always be him and only him.
My whole life is cloudy.
I'm in tears almost every day.
How much longer?

His mother..
She told him she had a place when he needed it.
He called her, sobbing, because he had no where to go.
She told him she didn't have anywhere for him to go,
but call her back in a week if he hasn't found somewhere.
His mother
has hindered my destiny.
And she has wounded her son.
I battle anger on a regular basis.
It's getting harder.
I'm so tired....

-I can hardly stand this..-

-..You should've left me dead.-

Made a Mistake by Sugarcult.

You know, everything is pretty damn pointless right about now.

I mean, it always was, but I never admitted it to myself, ya know?

I don't know why I bother talking to him.

I don't know why I would continue going to school after next quarter.

I don't know why I'm sticking around here.

I don't know why I don't have a job.

I don't know why I would have a job.

I have one close friend here,

and oodles of other people whom I love.

They love me too, but they aren't that close.

No matter how hard we try,

it never works out.

I want to be close to them..

But the timing is all off.

The timing of everything.

School, birth years, maturity, insanity..

I wish my heart would go back to cold and lifeless.

I wish it would go back to numb.

I won't complain about it ever again.

I can do numb!

At least numb helps me pretend there's a chance for me.

Numb helps me think I have opportunities

and my horrible fate hasn't already been decided.

Numb helps me forget how angry I am at God,

and how scared shitless I am 

because obviously He already knows.

I'm a fucking hypocrite.

I'm always blathering on about being an individual.

About how life has possibilities.

About how we should reach for the stars and love and being rockstars.

But it's all bullshit.

I'm one of the only people I know with no potential.

Not only that,

I have not fucking personality!

Everyone knows who I am.

The problem with this is that they are all saying something different

and they are all wrong.

You're a warm, sweet person.

You're a loving person.

You're a dark, morbid person.

You don't want friends.

You're a freak.

You're perfect.

You have one of those personalities that just pulls people in!

Whatever.

I'm none of these things, and all of these things.

But the thing I am not, is special.

I don't have any one thing I'm really good at,

besides copying other people's shit.

That's what I am.

I'm a collage of copies.

No one knows me because there is no me.

I don't have anything to offer anyone.

Why would anyone even want to be with me?

I'm lucky I have the two friends I have..

But one is moving on without realizing it,

and the other will when she doesn't need me anymore.

Not because she means to, 

but because she'll be doing so wonderfully

and I will respectfully fade into the distance.

Mum only needs me cuz she doesn't have anyone else.

But we hinder each other.

I mean, this would be great if I didn't want her to have 

something better from her life,

but I do.

And I'm tired of wanting things.

I'm tired of wanting people to want me.

It's so pointless, and it takes so much energy.

I'm so fragile.

I fucking hate it!

I give up.

From now on, I'm a robot.

Meagan, I'm not being melodramatic.

At least, not in the sense you mean.

I'm just really fucking tired of no one caring about the things I say.

I'm not just melodramatic, 

but I pretend I am so keep the peace.

Everyone was so surprised at my silly

teen rebellion years.

Why wouldn't she want us to think she's sweet?

Cuz I'm fucking not,

and I'm tired of being reprimanded for lack of it.

I'm tired of mum being surprised all the time

when I'm a bitch to her,

even tho it happens every day.

I'm just fucking sick of it all.

No one should be exposed to me,

and I'm tired of being nothing but a copy.

And a poor quality one, at that.

I'm only nineteen years old, 

and I'm already fucking done with this shit.

indieVISUAL Journal Challenge

The title just about says it all.
I'm thrusting my abilities,
[or quirky-misguided thoughts, whichever]
into a new project.
One that is not so pathetic and American.

God Bless America.
But I think I shall broaden my horizons a bit,
considering that we don't have much going on right now.
Seriously.
Have you ever seen a country so divided?
Our country needs prayer.
So if you're doing that, keep it up,
and if not, please start.
You don't even have to be from the US.
God hears everyone, obviously.

Anyhoooooo,
Starting in 2010 I'm going to do a visual blog post
every
single
day.
Hopefully I don't forget day one
and make it past day two.
I'm not positive if this will take place on blogger
or if I'll post it on my tumblr,
[Yes, I have both.]
Or both!
I'm not sure.
But I have about two days to decide.
Wish me,
[And everyone else,]
much luck and success!
Also,
if you are curious or want to do this yourself,
visit http://indievisualjournal.blogspot.com/ ...
That's where you get started.

Also also,
I originally heard of doing this from Charlie McDonell.
Not personally, but I've recently started following him.
On the internet.
Alrighty, that sounds stalkerish.
Hokay.
YouTube.com/Charlie
Charlie2010.tumblr.com

Because apparently I've forgotten
how to write html links. D:

So Brown Eyes, I'll Hold You Near, 'Cause You're The Only Song I Want To Hear.

-Death Cab for Cutie.- |^|

I've been thinking today,
despite my efforts not to.
Last night I almost succeeded in not thinking.
I've been playing around on Facebook like mad.
It takes some brain power.
And then knit-looming takes some space in my brain, as well.
But today it isn't working.

It's so strange.
I was reading some of my old blog posts today.
I do that every now and again.
It's interesting to see how I have changed
and how I have not.
How circumstances change.
All the memories.
I've had some pretty powerful emotions.
I blogged all the way through my first real boyfriend,
and through my second,
and now through the things I'm realizing lately.
Or rather, the things I'm admitting.
I've always realized many things,
but wouldn't look them square in the face.

I have been so.. Insecure.
And so lonely.
I found my first boyfriend and latched on
because I thought
"Here is someone who needs me, who wants me."
With my second I was overwhelmed and freaking out all the time.
The happy phase really only lasted so long.
Or maybe it's just that the scary things are more vivid memories.
I'm not really sure.
Now I find myself looking at people as they pass me.
Guys who are fairly easy to read.
Girls who are fake.
People with walls.
People with masks.
I think that very few of them are happy.
But some are happy.
I think I can finally rejoice in that.
Not be entirely jealous of someone else's happiness.
There will always be some jealousy, I think.
Until I can let myself be happy.
I think I relish pain, in some way.
I'm a bit masochistic.
It's hard not to love something
even if it is the most acute source of pain.

The thing that I've noticed
is that I will only ever be happy
[As a couple]
with one person.
I've decided this, because I believe in monogamy,
obviously, and because
I believe that I know who that one person is.
Now, I look at the opposite sex,
and every time I'm slightly more disappointed.
I don't know them, but I know who they aren't.
It's worse, when I see a trait that is so similar,
and still. Just. Not.
Coming to the realization that I know who I belong with
has a crippling affect.
I can't believe in dating anymore.
Isn't the whole point to find your mate or a lover?
I can't have boyfriends anymore.
I can't have frivolous relationships
because I'd feel like a fraud.
How dare I?

And then there is that strange romantic thought.
The "Ever since the first time I saw her..." statement.
I know I will never have that.
It is me that has that feeling, not the other way around.
I know that I will always be some sort of after-thought
even if I am the most-loved after-thought in the world.

He will be home soon.
Amy, they will all be home and they will be so close.
They might as well be in Keno,
for all the weight it carries with me.
He will be home soon.
But it is of no consequence to me.
I am only useful for a moment,
and once I am no longer needed
I might as well be a fruit fly or a mosquito.
[Depending on the level of annoyance.]

Mum says words have power.
I believe this.
It's in the Bible, somewhere.
But that doesn't mean I should live my life
taking claim to things that might never happen.
It's too.. Stalkerish.
Ew.
It is best for me to keep my mouth shut,
which is what I've begun to do.
So I write instead.
I can write more freely than I could speak, anyway.
Speaking things makes them too real.
It makes them.. not just mine anymore.
I guess the scariest part is that I could be wrong.
I am human and thus make constant error.
I believe with all my heart that I am not mistaken.
I believe it with my mind.
I see how I have compared.
How I have judged.
How I have only really wished for one thing,
even when I could not admit it to myself.
The one thing that seemed the most impossible.
And that one thing needed me.
For just a day, I was needed.
It was like I had him back, for just minute.
And then he was gone again.
But he is coming home.
It means nothing.

I write about boy because..
I hope that it will help me not to think of him.
Because I feel like such a silly girl.
A very serious, silly girl, if that makes sense.
I have always prided myself in not being shallow.
In not being a typical girl who swoons so often.
Who fills her journal with boys.
Boys that she loves anew every other day.
But.. Maybe I am just that bad.
The boy.
And all the others I used to try to forget him.
Oh.
That is horrible.
I've used.. More than just my ex's.
I don't know if I realized what I was doing..
But that doesn't make it any better.
I'm a user.
No wonder I can't seem to stay happy for long.
I'm just like those other girls.
I do what I need to do to get what I want.
Except, I'm not good at it.
It hasn't worked, obviously.
At least I have resolved to stop.
I can't keep it up, anyway.
It's such a thin plastic pleasure that doesn't last.
I need something real.
I think this is why God hasn't
allowed me to have what I want.
He knows I have put too much stock in it.
I need to be happy being alone.
But how do I do that when I'm missing half of myself
and that half is struggling through things I can't take away?
I want to help.
I want to be completed again.
Not me, but the package.
It's so confusing.
You don't need a man to be happy.
But God created us that way,
so that the two could become one.
Perhaps I'm mistaking pain for unhappiness.
I really have a wonderful life, friends, and family.
I am happy most of the time,
and I don't seek approval from the opposite sex.
Perhaps it's the link between us that is causing
these intense emotions that
I have managed so suppress until recently.
I hate feeling helpless.
I hate feeling hopeless.
[Only in that aspect, the rest of my life is perfect.]
I hate feeling like I'm being toyed with.
And like I'll never get to that path in my destiny
that leads to the most perfect thing that ever existed.
I need to stop.
I'ma go take a shower
and do something about the low blood sugar.

..In your head, Zombie.. - Cranberries.

No One Expects You To Get Up.

I'm listening to Pandora.
It's my Muse station.
It was playing Little House, by The Fray.
Thus the title up there |^|

So the other morning my mum told me something interesting.
It was interesting to me, anyhow.
So, she has been sleeping with me
in my room for a few weeks because
I have a huge bed and her room just hasn't come together yet.
[We just moved in recently.]
Well.. She's a mum, so if her babies made weird noises
when they slept she always noticed, ya know?
Well, apparently when I sleep I stop breathing.
Not permanently, obviously, else I wouldn't be alive.
But every few seconds, for a few seconds, I don't breathe.
I stop.. And then start.. Then stop.. Then start.
And it doesn't wake me up!
It's so strange.
And I'm still alive.. So I know I'm not dying, ya know?
But.. I could, I guess.
You never know.
Tonight or tomorrow night could be my last night.
Last night could have been, but it wasn't.
What I'm saying is, that I have numbered days.
The only days that are certain are the ones God gives me.
Each and every day.
And when He decides I am not needed here anymore,
or when I've strayed so far from the path
that He must take me or risk my soul... Well..
I hope it doesn't happen that way.
But you know, it puts things in perspective, sorta.
I think about how life has been so screwed up.
How God has brought me through it all.
How loved I am.
And how I've loved..
I haven't been a good friend, sister, or daughter.
I have a hard time talking to my dad,
because he doesn't contact me unless he needs something.
I miss my sister so much.
I hate that she moved away.
But I want her to be happy.
I want her to live and not look back and not regret anything.
I miss my best friend.
She is in her senior year, and she's in love.
I may never have the same relationship with her again
as I did before she met her boyfriend, but I love her
as much as the most precious members of my family.
I haven't always treated her properly.
In fact, on more than one instance I traded her love
for the thought of love from a boy.
I loved that boy so much.
He was also my good good friend.
He talked to me, trusted me,
and went through unnecessary pain for me.
And I shall never love another like I did him.
My ex-boyfriends knew this,
despite my trying to hide it,
and I feel bad about that.
But there's nothing I can do.
I talked to said boy a couple of weeks ago.
It was nice.
But it wasn't the same.
We aren't friends anymore.
We aren't kids anymore.
And he has moved on.
I missed chances and opportunities with him
because I was jealous, and petty, and didn't
believe that I had value or was good enough for him.
But I was.
God doesn't make mistakes.
People are born how, when, and with whom,
exactly how they are supposed to be.
I have made mistakes.
I can't take any of them back.
I regret them, and I wish that I could have
learned the things I know now
without having screwed up so horribly.
But there is nothing I can do now.
I pray for boy, and he will be fine.
Someday, he'll do what he loves,
he'll go back to God, and maybe he'll get married.
I may not be wearing the white dress,
I may not be there,
I may not even be alive,
but I will love him all the same.
I'm happy, I think, with myself
and with my decisions right now.
I love my friends, my mum, and they need me.
Someone needs me,
and that's what I'm really here for, isn't it?
As soon as I start living life for me again..
That's when things will go wrong.
Because I have to be careful that I want my destiny,
and not just what I want.
And destiny is so much bigger.
It's bigger than my music.
It's bigger than my friends and family.
It's bigger than my jealousy and pain.
It's bigger than my love for boy.
No matter how much I want...
It's not important.
What I want is not important.
This blog reminds me of destiny,
because no one really reads it.
I have the link for it posted on all of the social networks,
but the only times I have gotten readers
was when they said something I needed.
Boy will probably never read this,
and if he does, he might not know it's about him.
But if he reads it, there will be a reason.
There is hope for that, you know?
For me, there is hope.
But only if it's right.
Because I want boy to be where he's supposed to be.
I want him to be where he belongs.
I want nothing to be wasted.
He has so much inside of him.
So I'll continue living, for who knows how long,
until God is done with me, and pray.
Because that is why I'm here.
If only it were as simple as all of that.

Our Time Is Running Out - Muse

We Live in a Beautiful World.

You know, life is full of possibilities.
And blogging is very self absorbed.
If that means I shant be doing it anymore,
I'm not really sure.
I am thinking that I am sick of my whining.
Again.
Yes, I know I have said these things before,
"but this time it's different!"
Ugh.
No, it's not, I've just decided that I need to be a better person.
I need to be the best person I can
in order to reach my full potential.
I do not believe that it is true
that one must have a rather large ego
in order to be an accomplished artist.
Well.. I am rather arrogant,
but I work on fixing that every day.
So, I will be an accomplished artist
and a good person.
Or.. I shall try.
Yes.
I want my friends to know how much I love them.
I wouldn't be able to live without them.
Love is, well.. Every artist needs their muse, right?
I have found mine.
Love.