Second thing I'm learning.

Well the second thing
I need to learn is that
There are people I can trust
There are people who care
And who can maybe understand.
I have found one of these people.
He must be the third one I have
Ever encountered.
Well, besides me mum :]
I guess I don't have to keep my mouth shut.
Not all the time..
I guess I can voice my opinions
Without worrying I'll crush him.
He is such a good friend to me.
Invaluable.
And it has all happened in such a short time..
I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything.
Today is a good day.

I miss my air.
I miss my Leah.
Nothing,
No one,
Can or will ever replace her,
Or take away how I feel when I'm around her,
Or talking to her,
Or about her.
How proud of her I am.
How much I love her.
But Hat help make it more bearable..
Hat, and his owner :D

I love you Leah.
I always will♥

First thing I'm learning.

Ah the things I'm learning.
Big one right now would be
To keep my mouth shut.
Doesn't matter if I know I can trust him.
What the hell am I doing?!
KEEP. MY. MOUTH. SHUT.
Give him just enough to let him think,
Let him ponder,
Let him believe he knows.
Maybe this is what I meant,
About the truth being another form of trickery.
Perhaps.
How can I just not respond now?
He knows too much.
I told him too much.
And even if I hadn't,
He's not the easiest person to fool.
He's insightful.
Damnit.
After everything we've talked through now..
How am I going to face him,
Like normal,
When he knows things about me maybe
One other person knows.
Granted he doesn't know everything..
But enough.
And.. Geez give it enough time
And maybe he will.
Know everything.
That would just be weird.
For him to know more
Than the guy I was in love with?
Why do I feel like I can trust him more..?

I do love his hat tho :D

THIS is what I believe in.

I AM the crushing force..

He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me

I don't even know how many times he said it..
That's how much he did.
And I couldn't feel anything.
I was completely numb.
And.. I think I might still have feelings
for someone else, someone that was before Joe..
And I was so numb, I couldn't even feel that!
And I didn't know what to do..
And I continued to not feel a thing,
even through his breaking down,
until he told me he had been in the hospital
TWICE this week.
And I had no idea.
No one contacted me.
Then I cried a little.
Is that the best I can do?!
Crying a little??
I never thought I'd get so low..
To the point where I'm the one causing all the pain.
No matter what I say or don't say,
It happens.
It did happen.
It will happen.
I don't deserve to make it through,
Or be happy, at this point.
I would gladly sacrifice this existence,
For a couple others to have their happiness back.
To have it and keep it.
But I don't get to do that, do I?
No.
I'll have to live with this, constantly knowing,
That all I do is hurt the people that love me most.
And even by warning them to stay away,
I'm sure that will hurt as well.
But maybe not as much as it would in the long run of sticking by me.

Re-prioritizing..

I was going to write about
How freaked out I was tonight.
About the things I've been thinking and feeling.
About something that's been haunting me,
That I only told one person about.
[Not counting my other half. Of course she knows.]
It's weird that she knows,
Because she will ask if I've done it and..
No I haven't.
But does it only count if you've just thought about it?
Or toyed with it?
Or if you use something besides a.. well.. you know.
No I haven't done it yet.
I won't promise that I won't, though.

The thing is,
I was reading a friend's blog..
And, Damn.
It makes me ashamed to even think I deserve
To feel pain.
I don't.
Not compared to my friends.
Not compared to these people I love.
Who hold so much pain inside themselves.
Who have to release it through unconventional means..
Like I did.
Except wasn't I just toying with it?
I wasn't serious.
I'm a pansy.
I can't even do the bad things properly.
And yet these girls.. They can.
It makes me sick.
How pathetic am I?
That I have to do something like that..
When I have no reason.
When I should just be happy.
Or even when I am happy,
But I still want to.

Maybe that's the difference.
They are strong.
Maybe I'm not.

I can't promise I won't do it again.
But I can promise I will hide it properly.
I will not show anyone.
No one will know.
Because it isn't important.
I'm not.
Not compared to them.
Now if only there were something I could do....

I was fine until..

Why does this happen?
I was fine.
I was fine.
Yeah.
I was fine until my good friend
Asked how life was..
I was fine until I started thinking about it.
I was fine until I started sorting it.
I was fine until I started feeling it.
I was fine until I had to re-stash it.
I was fine until I was left alone with it.

Starting to sound like a never ending cycle.
It sounds a lot like me a week ago..
Oh God,
It was only a week ago?
It was was only a week ago.

I'm shaking.
I'm actually shaking.
And I feel all sped up and
Stuck in a numb slow-motion simultaneously..
I'm so messed up.
Or maybe I'm finally letting myself out..
Of my head or wherever it is that selves hide.
Sure, she has a serval,
but isn't that what I told her?
We just aren't hiding it.
Except,
I am.
I need to, it seems.
I don't care what other people think.
Or how they might react.
It's me I don't know about.

There's this quote..
"Me, I'm dishonest.
And you can always trust
the dishonest to be dishonest.
It's the honest ones you have to watch out for,
Honestly, because you never know
when they're going to do something..
Incredibly.. Stupid."

That's me.
You never know what I might do.
Well, I never know.
You might.
Seeing as how everyone knows me,
And I'm so predictable.
Good for you.
Pat yourself on the back
For understanding the predictable girl.
Excuse me while I go do something predictable,
And try to wipe everything out of my mind.
And you know what?
Fuck you,
Whoever you are...
I'm not really sure yet, but there are a couple of you.
And of course they are the ones
Who won't ever see these words...
But what the hell?
I just really wanted to say it.
Get it out of my system.
Fuck you.

PS> Holly,
If you read that one,
I'm sorry.
I'm not proud of myself,
But for the first time in a while I don't care.
And I wasn't talking to you.
And It wasn't your fault.
You helped me a lot today.
I missed you.
And besides,
I was bound to be depressed today.
It's been a week, today...

Waiting..

Bored bored BORED!!
I'm so bored..
I wanna go play games.
I wanna kill things!
[Call of Duty 4]
Call me Luke!
Gah!!
I'm about to leave anyways...
If he doesn't hurry up and call me..
Well I'll go anyways.
Need to shoot things.
Need to see the friendly faces of my friends.
Need to see Luke.
And Daely.
And Kyla and Vittoria and Buck and
Emily and That One Guy...
Uh.. Daniel, I think.
Yeah.
I guess I'll get off my butt and go, then..

Writer's block.

Now tell me why it is
That I can pull that shit
Out of my ass
But can't get my own novel started?
Damnit.
She's counting on me to start this.. but....
I don't know if I have what it takes.
When do I ever?
I'm not particularly good at any one thing.
I'm just a passing artist.
A barely listenable vocalist/musician.
I don't hurt your eyes to look at me but...
Beautiful is not the word.
Just once I want to start something,
Not quit,
And succeed.
And be really really good.
Why can't I have my dreams too?
Why must I always find myself stuck..

Loved and lost.

He thinks I'm mad.
Thinks I'm angry.
I'm not angry.
Well,
Maybe a little.
But not at him.
I'm angry
Because I let myself get involved.
Get attached.
Get trampled.
Not by him but by my emotions.
I let myself get caught up in a fantasy.
Something I thought was worth dreaming about.
Something I could hold onto.
Well,
It was a nice dream.
But the thing about dreams,
Is that eventually,
You have to wake up.
I had to wake up.
And even though it was his idea
To blow the whistle on the whole thing
I don't think he has.

I can't stand to hear his voice.
It's not the same as it was.
In fact,
It's worse.
Much much worse.
When we were just friends before,
We had no history.
But now,
Now we have six months of it.
And I can't stand to hear his voice.
Especially not when he says those words.
Those three words.
The three lil tiny ones that..
For lack of a better phrase,
Pack a punch.
He's just not allowed to say that anymore.
He's just not.
I mean,
How do you,
In essence,
Tell someone you don't want them bad enough
To be with them,
And then profess your love?
No.
You can't do that.
I was a wreck yesterday.
It ruined me for two days.

All I wanted was him.
Totally and completely.
And what he gave me were words.
Not promises exactly,
But hope.
Hope I told him I wanted no part of.
And yet he insisted.
Insisted there was hope.
For the both of us.
Together.

And now it's gone.
And he just doesn't understand what it's done.
What it's done to me.
He doesn't lose anything.
He still has me as a friend.
As there as I ever was before.
But he can't have my heart.
Not right now.
It is too broken.
I need to keep it locked up for a while.
I'm on the edge of jumping into a deep, black puddle.
A deep, black, endless puddle.
One with no edge
No depth.
No beginnning
And no end.
I want to crawl back into my hole.
My safe lil hole.
My dark, depressing yet safe, lil hole.
I want to hide there.
I can't stand to hear his voice.
It hurts too much.
He just doesn't understand the magnitude.
What exactly he has done.
What he has done by refusing to do.... Anything.

He spoke to my heart.
He caressed it and said loving things to it.
He told it it was worth while
And that he would always love it.
That he would wait for it,
As long as it takes.
And then without realizing it
He slowly grabbed hold of it
Lifted it above his head
And smashed it on the ground.
You know how long it takes
To clean up that sort of mess?
How much energy is required?
I have had to slowly stitch it together
Piece by piece.
And it's still not whole.
No where near.
I have to protect it.
Shield it.
Hide it.

And then he says those words.
Like nothing has happened.
As though my heart can handle it.
Like this is any other day less than a week ago.
But it's not.
And he says those words...
And when he does,
All my work.
All the mending and careful attention
That I payed to myself all
Gets thrown down the dispose-all.
Crushed and torn and shredded.
That's how I felt when we had hung up.
And then I was barricaded again.
The walls went up.
Those trusty impenetrable walls.

And he still doesn't understand.
I want him to love me.
I do.
That's all I want.
I was even thinking up crazy schemes
To make it possible.
I even considered going back to before.
I considered doing this half time thing.
I wanted him to prove it.
To fight for it.
To want to be with me so bad it... hurts.
The way it did me.
But he can't.
Because he doesn't.
Not the way he thinks he does.
If he did
He would tell me:
In person.

And I can't make him love me.
And I wouldn't want to.
If he doesn't feel it now
He never will.

So now I guess I just wait.
Wait for him to figure it out.
To move on.
So I can.

Because as ridiculous as it is
As long as he hasn't completely rejected me
My stupid heart wants to believe
More than anything
That any moment now
He will call me
Tell me it was a big mistake
That he wants me more than anything
That he's coming
Or on his way
Or here already.
He will cry or beg or plead or just say
"Baby I need you. I know that now."
That he will mean it.
That he will need me.
I need him to need me.

But see that's insane.
I know he doesn't need me.
I know it's not going to happen that way.
Those wishes are the stuff of fairy tales.
And this is not one.
It could have been...
But it's just not.
Who am I kidding.
This is my life.
Those things don't happen to me.
They just don't.
I'm a spectator.
I watch while life happens to others.
Good things and bad.
But life all the same.
While it passes me by.
It seems to know I don't want what it offers.
And yet,
That's all I want.
Is it true?
That's it's better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all...?
I'll let you know in a couple years.
When I think back on this
And still feel that familiar ripping inside.
I'll let you know.

Fact and fiction..

Fact:
I am a whiny bitch!
Fiction:
I'm going to find a bus ticket somewhere and just see.
Fact:
I am a whiny bitch!
Fiction:
I was good enough for him.
Fact:
I don't want anything to do with weed.
Fiction:
I love to be left alone!
[Oh kay maybe that should go under both categories..]
Fact:
I'm a whiny bitch!
Fiction:
I have boys just lined up. And I'm glad!
Fact:
I deserve someone better.
Fiction:
I deserve someone better.
Fact:
He deserves someone better.

The list could go on and on..
I woke up this morning realized that I felt..
I dunno what.
It wasn't deep throbbing pain tho,
For some reason.
It's probably my defense mechanism saving me.
And convincing me I've moved on already.
I love myself for it,
Really I do,
But I need to find out if it's true or not..

That's where the brainstorming comes in..
Everything involves money.
I can't find out for sure over the phone.
I could see if I care about him but..
Not the other way 'round.
And it wouldn't be a true indication.
I have to see him.
I don't see that happening soon really.
Especially since he's not willing to.
Whatever.

Fact:
We're both whiny bitches.
Fiction:
He'll come back to me.
I know he will.
Yeah.
Sure.

The facts...

Oh kay so I thought it only fair
That I set the record straight.
Even if only for myself
So I don't grow angry and bitter and old.
And so my friend doesn't start
Scaring people into witness protection.
Yesh she's crazy but I lov'er!

Oh kay.
So here they are,
The facts.
Phone call.
Lightweight conversation.
Conversation turned heavy fast.
Heavy turned "What if?"
What if we took a break.
What if we waited.
Chilled til after school.
What if we're rushing.
I can't leave now I know I can't.
[That wasn't me]
What if you came here.
What if we just get our lives sorted out first.
What if we try again later.
What if we made a mistake maybe?
[That part was in my head.
I thought that's what he was thinking..]
And what if turned to
Him-"I want this to be a mutual decision.
I don't want any heart break."
Me-"That can't be avoided."
Him-"I know."
And then
Him-"We aren't breaking up,
We're just taking a break.."
And
Him-"Hey you're still technically my girlfriend."
Me-"No. I'm not. I'm just here
Until you decide you want me again.."
Him-"............."
[That was silence.]
Then there was the bit about
Him trying to get me to accept a
Christmas present
And what did I want it to be..
And then me saying
I'm sorry I have to go
And hanging up because
I couldn't hold it in any longer..
Thus the earlier blog.

So there are the facts.
Anna,
No bodily harm?
He is a sweet guy.
And I still love him.
It's not his fault.
And I'm not angry.
Not really.
I'm actually very proud of him.
He did what he believes he has to do
To get his life straight and to be
"Fixed"

Somehow I forgot to mention to him
That he shouldn't try and go it alone...
But I think I would hate myself if I had.
I mean seriously.
Aren't I doing enough sniveling and whining
and pouting and sobbing online?
Yeah...
No trickery.
No "But baby I love I can help you wah wah wah!"
Yeah..
He doesn't need that.
It's all true but,
He doesn't need that.
He needs me to support him and..
Not sound different.
Well I'll try babe, really I will..
But I can't guarantee the not different part.
Not for a while.
Not while it still hurts.
And now it gets redundant..

But Hey!
Maybe someday I won't be so pathetic
That I have to write five blogs
About my ex
In one day!
Oh,
There is something to look forward to......

Different..

He said I sound different.
Not like my usual self.
She says I'm taking it out on her.
Says what I had was real,
Unlike her.
Hmm..
Yes,
I sound different.
No,
I'm not taking it out on you.
You my best friend
Who I care about above even the man I love..
No.
I'm not taking it out on you.
You are kicking yourself because you know how I feel.
And you know I'm right.
And you know that it's your choices that keep you from this.
This beautiful pain I'm in.
It's still better,
I think,
Than the pain of not knowing real love at all..
And I'm not really mad.
I'm not mad at boy.
And I'm not mad at best friend..
I'm just hurt.
And taking my mind off of it.. well...
It isn't going to happen.
No matter what.
And it took me all day to finally stop lying to myself
That it would.
I acted like I didn't want to think about it..
When really that was the only thing I thought about.
Scenario after scenario..
And then he called a bit ago.
Yeah.
I sound different.
I don't sound like my normal self.
Well, my normal, that is.
Yeah I don't sound like.. Me.
Cuz half of me is missing.
And I don't know if I'll ever get her back..

How stupid would it be to try and get a bus ticket?
Like One-Way?
Like to say.. Hmm.. The Tri-Cities Washington?
When is it doing something stupid for a boy..
And following your heart?
Would he have me?
Or was this his kind, sweet way of telling me
We really were insane to even try,
That it was a nice thought,
A nice memory,
A nice try.
But not what is meant to be..

My sister.
My wonderful, dear, loving sister..
Well,
She told me "Don't make your decision because of a boy."
Didn't she move to Washington for a boy?
Granted they were engaged..
Beside the point!
Ah!
How is it I just heard his voice in my head telling me
"It is the point."
He used to always tell me that.
Whenever I said it was beside the point,
Whatever the point was,
That's what he would tell me....

I had a sickly fascinating fight with myself today.
Sickly, being the key word.
Sickly.
Sick.
I'm sick.
I haven't been to school since Monday..
But I think I feel worse just above my stomach,
In my heart,
In my head.
So,
That fight I was talking about?
Yeah.
Lemme see if I can re-cap properly..
Hmm...
"You know you're relieved"
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are. It's what you wanted.
You just didn't know how to make it happen without
Hurting him."
"That's not true!"
It's not it's not true it's not!"
"Yes it is. You're already thinking how nice it would be
To have a boyfriend who can actually hold you.
Kiss you.
Tell you you're beautiful cuz he thinks so."
"No! I love him! I do!"
"Yeah... But are you in love with him?"
"Yes! Yes yes I am! I am!
Right?
Yes Damnit I do!"
Yeah..
It went on like that for hours..
Never really ended actually.
Let me just point out something:
Don't walk along a busy street
While fighting with your inner self.
It's not really a good idea.
Yeah, No.
Just take it from me.
Kay?
Kay!

Hmm... I believe my rambling has gotten
Worse this time 'round..
Yeah?
I think so.

Hmm..
How do girls just say
"I don't want to be pregnant anymore."?
It doesn't really work that way.
Don't ask how I got off on this subject cuz,
Believe it or not it's from One Tree Hill.
Yes,
I'm watching One Tree Hill.
And Uh,
Brooke just decided she can't
Be pregnant.
Wow.
This is true rant worthy material.
The whole concept of abortion
Is one that disgusts me!
It's murder in it's purest form.
Truly, it is.
On a slightly different note,
How do you convince someone
Who's parents tried to abort them
That they really are worth loving?
That you love them.
Because I still do.
Hmm.. A bus ticket sounds awfully nice..
But I can't just run away from my life, can I?
I wouldn't have anywhere to go.
I'm not afraid.
I am but, I could do it to be with him but..
He couldn't.
Does that mean he doesn't love me enough?
No.. It doesn't.
It just means.. What?
We rushed things.
We aren't meant for each other.
He loves his home too much to leave.
He... Uh... Damnit.
I dunno.
I'm making this up as I go along I suppose.
This is just me being crazy and
Wishing things were different.
Wishing there was something I could do.
I could help him, if he would let me.
But he won't.
He can't.
I love him so much.
And he loves me but...
His fear is stronger I suppose.
And that means..
That means what?

Is this when I figure out
If I'm gonna be strong for him?
Or for me?
And which is which?
Where does one begin and the other end?
I guess it's just me being here and..
Staying here and..
Moving on and..
Letting him be.
And trying not to sound...
Disappointed and
Heartbroken and
Lonely and
Afraid and...
Different.

Oh wow.
My best friend thinks she's worthless.
Great!
Could I fail any more?
No.
I don't think I could.
Yeah.
I've hit the bottom.
Yay me!
Lost my boyfriend and best friend
In 24 hours.
Yeah.
I rock.
GO ME!!
Uh huh...

Guess it's a good thing no one reads this..
Wouldn't want anyone to think I'm..
Different.
Ha!
Sorry I just couldn't resist..
Of course I'm different.
I pride myself in that.
I just never.. Well..
Recently I didn't really believe I'd end up alone.
And now I will.
I have.
Three cheers for me.
I'm such a winner.

It's real...

Well I realized this morning
That this is really happening.
He hasn't called,
Hasn't taken anything back like before..
He's serious.
This is it.
And, wow, it's my fault...
And I wasn't even the one that said those words..
I wonder if he remembers,
I was the one who said before,
"I want this to be a mutual decision.."
Those were my words..
He stole them last night.
Word for word.
And I let him.
Damnit!
Fight for it?
Fight for it?
How do you fight,
When you know he doesn't want you to?
I wanted to.
With all I had.
I wanted to.....

Back to the beginning..

I'm single again.
I guess I'm back to the beginning..
Somehow it feels harder this time.
Before,
It was just my life..
Now,
I don't know how to be this anymore....

He's right..

He's right.
I can't take this.
I can't handle this...
I did break down.
Am in the process of breaking down..
That was the first time
I have ever had to literally hang up the phone
because I couldn't control my sobbing..
I can't even control it now.
Babe,
for your sake and mine,
I hope you don't read this one.
Maybe I shouldn't have told you there were more..
I don't know.
All I know is...
Well,
That you have to do what you need to do.
I already know what I need.
I need you.
And now,
I'm just broken..
I know that's not what you meant to happen.
And it's not even your fault.
I just hurt.
All inside and outside..
I go through stages of numbness,
of "No it's not true this isn't happening!"
But mostly,
I'm just hurting..
I love you so much.
I really do.
And...
I can't even think about thinking about anyone else.
Damnit.
I'm sorry!
I'm so so sorry!
I'm such a mess..
I should be supporting this!
I need to be happy for you..
Getting things straight and working out your life..
Trying to make things right..
For you and me and the future us..
If there is one.
Will there be a future us?
Do you want that?
Why does it feel like I've just lost you...
Was this one of those times
when I'm supposed to fight back?
I mean... You did.
That one night..
You did.
You said you love me and.. you'd do anything..
Wait as long as it takes...
And now,
I'm the one waiting.
And I don't know.. I don't know how long..
How long I'll be waiting..
Or if I should..
Maybe I should move on with myself..
Not anyone else but..
You know I've always been better off alone..
It's just how I am.
I'll be fine.
Don't worry.
Be happy.
You know I'll be here if you need me.
When you need me.
Probably even when you call tomorrow
or the next day.
Just don't expect my heart to be there right away..
It might not be back for a while..
It might need some time..
It might need to do a little bit
of sitting alone and healing..
Like I'm doing now.
I know I'm not done crying over you yet..
But maybe eventually I will be.
Maybe.
Probably not.
But that's not what I'm going to tell you.
What I'm going to tell you is...
Just that I'm oh kay.
And I will be oh kay.
And you should be too.
Oh kay?
Just do me a favor?
Do what you have to do
And don't be afraid of maybe moving on..
Cuz I think you will..
I know you will always love me.
Just like you will always love Angela.
But you aren't with her are you?
Just know that I'll always love you too.
Because I will.
And I'm sorry if the spelling is all wrong..
I can't really see what I'm typing..................... . . . . .

I do...

"I do love you, you know.."
That's what he said.
That's what he said after our fight..
The fight that we had on our six month anniversary.
That was a fun night.
Don't worry..
I'm not that much of a freak.
I don't really think it was fun.
That was just my sarcasm kicking in.
Well.. Actually, it never kicks off.
It's always there.
My constant companion.
Seems to always make things better,
When, in reality, it only makes them worse.
But enough about my fire-wall...
I was writing this because..
Well...
Because I never conclude things.
I only write when I'm at my lowest, it seems.
I don't go farther,
don't let myself, my journal, or anyone else
know when things have gotten better..
Or not changed at all.
So here it is.
I think things are a little better..
I mean I talked to the boyfriend the other night..
[note: the fight on our six month]
And I wasn't mad anymore...
But you know,
I don't think I was mad in the first place..
I was..
Confused,
Aching,
Suspended,
Frustrated,
I felt stuck.
I felt helpless..
I felt like it was my fault..
The truth is I dunno who's fault it is..
I think it's both of ours.
For wanting something this bad
We sure have a funny way of showing it.
And like I said this goes for me too.
We are doing great.
Then hit something rough,
and give up..
We give up over and over and over again..
I guess since we have the chance to give up so many times
that means eventually we work things out..
And that is partially true.
But really it's just a sucky way to do things.
When we have a problem... Or I do... Whatever.
We should talk about it..
Figure it out.
Get it all out in the open,
Open and messy and bleeding..
Then get it cleaned up.
And do it together.
Why does it take a blow out for us to do this?
Why can't we open up to each other..?
Are we so wounded that..
We can't trust the one person closest to us?
The person that means everything
And the promise that without them there's nothing..
Maybe that's just it.
The one person who can mean so much to me...
Maybe that's the one person I'm afraid to get too close to..
Scared shitless, actually.
I'm a bag full of issues..
I don't claim to have my head on straight..
He is the one guy that has proven me wrong..
Not all men are the same, I suppose.
Mm.. No.
That's not right either.
I guess I meant..
Not all men are destined to reject me.
For whatever reason.
Whether he doesn't realize he's done it,
Or he's an ass,
Or just a teenage boy who is told what he should want..
Or just in it for sex.
[Yeah, THAT'S not gonna happen!]
Or a father who didn't really know how to be one..
[I can't blame him tho, in his weird way he loves me..]
I guess what I'm trying to say is..
Maybe I do need to try harder too..
Sure he needs to not give up so easily.
Be a man and fight for me, you know?
But geez.. He's just as messed up as I am.
Maybe I need to fight for him too.
Show up the best friend.
[No offense to him. Not trying to replace him or anything..]
Show him I do love him.
I do, baby, I do.

Six Months......

That's how long it's been.
Six months.
Give or take a few hours here and there,
Due to lack of sleep or frustration,
Or just being left to my thoughts for too long...
Six months.
It's a long time.
Feels as though it's been an eternity..
That it has passed in the blink of an eye..
Six months and we're still in the same place we started.
We have come full circle, yet again.
And yet again I am questioning.
We must be insane.
I'm certain that we are.
The thing is,
You don't understand,
Do you?
You are just waiting for the inevitable.
Waiting and pushing.
You think if you push,
You'll see how dedicated I am.
Gauge how much I care.
See if I really love you more,
Or am I the same as everyone else?
There is a small part of me that can understand
All the testing,
Pushing,
Teasing..
But where will it stop?
When will it end?
You won't be satisfied until forever.
And you're right,
I won't do this forever.
It's not us I won't do.
It's this.
Without realizing it
Your pushing and taunting is tearing me down.
Tearing down everything I am and believe in.
Tearing down our relationship.
I can't let that continue.
I know you don't want to lose this..
What is it you seek to gain?
Do you have a time limit?
Do you have a certain point
At which you'll just accept my love?
Darling,
It's been six months.
And if it hasn't happened by now
It won't at all.
Don't try and put this one on me.
Don't try and say
"I knew this would happen,"
Or
"You did leave, just like everyone else has.."
Because if it ends here,
It won't be because of me,
It will be because you couldn't handle it.
Because you were too afraid,
And too weak,
To fight for us.
You give up too easy, you know?
Maybe I want you be stubborn enough not to let it go..
Like that night.
Remember that night?
That was the end, remember?
But you wouldn't let go.
At first you did.
At first it was the usual
"I fucked up I know.. You don't really love me.. Just forget me.."
Bullshit that I've had to deal with..
But then something clicked,
You came around and said this was it,
This was it and you weren't ever letting go of it.
I thought that meant something.
I thought that meant you would keep up your end.
I cried for you.
Tears I've not cried for anyone,
Have been shed for you.
And now you treat me like shit,
just to see how long I'll put up with it...
Damn it!
I love you!
That's why I do this...
Not because I'm trying to be strong
Or stick it out longer than anyone else..
I'm doing this because I love you.
But what if love isn't enough?
Right about there is when you give up.
If you have gotten this far,
I'm impressed.
Now, were you listening?
Are you hearing this?
Or have you already sunk into the usual hole?
The "Well I guess I fucked up again.. Like I always do. Always will.." hole.
Buck up, be a man, and actually try
And solve the problem for once!
I'm not asking you to change who you are,
I'm asking you to stop cowering behind those lame ass walls..
The ones that won't let me in,
And push me farther away.
Because I only need so much pushing
Before I take the hint and take off.
You really are acting as though ultimately, that's what you want.
If it is, then fine.
I'll do it.
I'll leave.
And you can believe whatever you want about it.
Because if you haven't gotten it by now,
Haven't heard any of it,
Then it's pointless.
Why even try?
Maybe I need to go mend my own broken heart now..
Seeing as how you won't let me near yours.
So Darling,
Don't you dare say it was because of me.
Your heart was already broken.
And no one can fix it for you,
Which is what you expected of me.
I'm only human.
And I don't have the power to mend broken hearts.
There is only One who does,
But you don't want to hear about that..
Don't you dare say you'll die because of this.
Because of me.
That I was the only thing worth holding onto.
That us was the only thing worth holding onto.
If that was true you would have held a bit tighter.
You would have at least tried to hold up your end.
Remember my conditions?
The ones I gave you that night?
The ones that said don't break my heart again?
Yeah, those.
You broke them.
You did.
You sunk back in.
You swore you wouldn't.
You said it wasn't gonna happen again.
I believed you.
And it lasted longer this time, it's true.
But it still came back.
And don't you dare say
It was because you always fuck things up.
Don't you dare.
Don't even think it.
There is always a choice.
There is always a decision.
And you are the one who keeps it going.
That vicious cycle.
Not because you are fated to.
Or because you "fail at life".
But because that is the only thing you can count on.
And so you do.
And you push everyone else away.
You push me away.
I can't live like this.
Be my reality or don't.
But don't expect me to pine for you any longer.
Don't expect me to be waiting in a couple years
When you decide you're ready.
Because by then I might be gone.
It might be too late.
No, I'll never forget you, don't think that.
Yes, I'll always love you, no matter what.
But seed sown on stony ground bears no fruit.

If you want to believe this is me giving up again.
Me being a pussy.
Not pushing you enough,
Not being strong enough for you,
Then I'm sorry.
You will believe what you want,
I know that.
But that's not what this is.
This is: My final push,
My final shove,
The last thing I can do to make you wake up.
This is putting the decision in your hands.
I'm sorry that you hate them so,
But you will always have to make them,
And especially this one.
This truly is your decision.
You are the only one who is able to make it.

Don't give me shit about not knowing what I want,
Trying to tell me that's it's really mine after all.
You're wrong.
This one, at least, is yours.
And if you can't even recognize that,
Can't even think about this one thing,
If you can't decide if you want me in your life..
Then you don't.
And that is your decision.
Thank you for making it.
I'll be gone.
Eventually, maybe, I'll understand....

Apocalyptica Feat. Adam Gontier:

I Don't Care


I try to make it through my life
In my way there's you
I try to make it through these lies
And that's all I do

Just don't deny it
Don't try to fight this
And deal with it
That's just part of it

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
Just go and leave this all behind
'Cause I swear, I don't care

I try to make you see my side
I always try to stay in line
But your eyes see right through
That's all they do

I'm getting buried in this place
I got no room you're in my face
Don't say anything
Just go away

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
Just go and leave this all behind
'Cause I swear,
[I swear]
I don't care

[Not changing everything, you won't be there for me]

[Not changing everything, you won't be there for me]

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
Just go and leave this all behind
'Cause I swear,
[I swear]
I don't care

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care,
[I don't care]
I don't care
[I don't care]
Just go and leave this all behind
I don't care
[I swear]
I don't care.....

At all...

Joseph Daniel [Daydream]

I can't do it.
I know you have been...
But I can't.
I don't have anything else.
I shouldn't have to work for this.
You shouldn't push me on purpose.
If you keep this up your fears will come true.
You will make them happen.
So do something about it.
Just try for once.
Stop saying poor me.
Start looking around you
and figure out if this is what you want,
cuz if you do,
you have to fight for it too...
You have to pick up where I left off...
Cuz I don't wanna give up,
but I don't have much more.
So you decide.
Be my reality,
or my Daydream?

Wall of Tears...

So the title pretty much tells it all.
I saw my dad tonight.
Not my "biological" father.
My "He's always been there for me accepts me for who I am
tells me the truth from him and God who will always love me forever" Dad..
I miss him [Wes] and Carrie so much!
See,
He was our youth pastor..
For years he poured into us.
Cared about us.
Went out on limbs for us.
Cried with us!
Encouraged us.
Built us up.
Then God called them to be missionaries...
And then they were gone...
I hadn't seen them in almost two years..
I did tonight..
And I'm literally holding back a wall of tears as I write this.
Where did the fire go?
Where did the passion go?
Where did God go?
When did the youth group stop letting him in?
Why does the new youth pastor [his name is Wes too] not seem to reach for it?
For The Spirit. For the Fire. For More.
I have much too many questions..
I know this.
And I never meant for this blog to turn into a rant.
Or maybe I did.
I'm not really sure.
All I know is.. well.. That I don't know.
Anything.
Other than that God still loves me and has a plan.
And..
Dad and Carrie still love me too!
I love them so much!!
I didn't even realize how much I missed them.
Their hugs.
Their voices.
Their love.
They really love me.
I really love them...
And I miss the... Everything!
I miss belonging somewhere..
Being needed, wanted, and loved somewhere.
I don't know where to turn.
Maybe I should.. I don't know.
I don't.
I really don't.

As far as I've gotten.... [or not]

Oh kay well...
This is interesting.
I'm literally having to sort through masses of emotions
and situations that are all jumbled up and confusing.
And I just made my mum disappointed AGAIN.
She wants me to eat dinner with her.
I already ate and I told her I was going to.
Now she's all irritated because I'm talking to the boyfriend
instead of watching One Tree Hill with her and eating and laughing
and joking and maybe being happy go lucky.
I can't be happy..
I can't be.
I don't know what the f*ck I'm doing.
I must be insane.
I must be.
God.
I'm on the phone with him fighting tears and he doesn't even know.
Doesn't know why.
Can't know why.
I can't tell him, either.
How do you tell someone they are breaking your heart?
That you're dying slowly inside?
That it's all because you love him?
Because he actually loves you too..
That that's why you're having problems?
Because no matter what I question things.
When he tells me something
[Not promises. He's not allowed to promise.]
and then it changes.
He changes it.
He doesn't tell me.
He acts like it never happened.
He's depressed.
He won't talk.
He doesn't get it.
We're connected and it's killing me and he doesn't even effing know!
God!
Why am I stuck here?
What is wrong with me?
Am I just rambling now?
I believe that indeed I am doing just that...
The thing is..
I need more.
I need him.
Not just his voice, him.
I can't do much more of this..
I'm sinking.
Oh man... It's because of an effing guy!
How did this happen?
I swore it never would..
I would never be drug down by one of them.
They weren't important enough.
They are all scum.
Right?
Isn't that what we're supposed to believe?
Why did he have to prove me wrong?
Why is it breaking my heart?
Why does he do this?
Why doesn't he know?
He said he loves me but.. What?
But what?
I dunno... I dunno...
I just don't... Know.
That's it.
I'm on the phone.
I need to finish that..