"I do love you, you know.."
That's what he said.
That's what he said after our fight..
The fight that we had on our six month anniversary.
That was a fun night.
Don't worry..
I'm not that much of a freak.
I don't really think it was fun.
That was just my sarcasm kicking in.
Well.. Actually, it never kicks off.
It's always there.
My constant companion.
Seems to always make things better,
When, in reality, it only makes them worse.
But enough about my fire-wall...
I was writing this because..
Well...
Because I never conclude things.
I only write when I'm at my lowest, it seems.
I don't go farther,
don't let myself, my journal, or anyone else
know when things have gotten better..
Or not changed at all.
So here it is.
I think things are a little better..
I mean I talked to the boyfriend the other night..
[note: the fight on our six month]
And I wasn't mad anymore...
But you know,
I don't think I was mad in the first place..
I was..
Confused,
Aching,
Suspended,
Frustrated,
I felt stuck.
I felt helpless..
I felt like it was my fault..
The truth is I dunno who's fault it is..
I think it's both of ours.
For wanting something this bad
We sure have a funny way of showing it.
And like I said this goes for me too.
We are doing great.
Then hit something rough,
and give up..
We give up over and over and over again..
I guess since we have the chance to give up so many times
that means eventually we work things out..
And that is partially true.
But really it's just a sucky way to do things.
When we have a problem... Or I do... Whatever.
We should talk about it..
Figure it out.
Get it all out in the open,
Open and messy and bleeding..
Then get it cleaned up.
And do it together.
Why does it take a blow out for us to do this?
Why can't we open up to each other..?
Are we so wounded that..
We can't trust the one person closest to us?
The person that means everything
And the promise that without them there's nothing..
Maybe that's just it.
The one person who can mean so much to me...
Maybe that's the one person I'm afraid to get too close to..
Scared shitless, actually.
I'm a bag full of issues..
I don't claim to have my head on straight..
He is the one guy that has proven me wrong..
Not all men are the same, I suppose.
Mm.. No.
That's not right either.
I guess I meant..
Not all men are destined to reject me.
For whatever reason.
Whether he doesn't realize he's done it,
Or he's an ass,
Or just a teenage boy who is told what he should want..
Or just in it for sex.
[Yeah, THAT'S not gonna happen!]
Or a father who didn't really know how to be one..
[I can't blame him tho, in his weird way he loves me..]
I guess what I'm trying to say is..
Maybe I do need to try harder too..
Sure he needs to not give up so easily.
Be a man and fight for me, you know?
But geez.. He's just as messed up as I am.
Maybe I need to fight for him too.
Show up the best friend.
[No offense to him. Not trying to replace him or anything..]
Show him I do love him.
I do, baby, I do.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Six Months......
That's how long it's been.
Six months.
Give or take a few hours here and there,
Due to lack of sleep or frustration,
Or just being left to my thoughts for too long...
Six months.
It's a long time.
Feels as though it's been an eternity..
That it has passed in the blink of an eye..
Six months and we're still in the same place we started.
We have come full circle, yet again.
And yet again I am questioning.
We must be insane.
I'm certain that we are.
The thing is,
You don't understand,
Do you?
You are just waiting for the inevitable.
Waiting and pushing.
You think if you push,
You'll see how dedicated I am.
Gauge how much I care.
See if I really love you more,
Or am I the same as everyone else?
There is a small part of me that can understand
All the testing,
Pushing,
Teasing..
But where will it stop?
When will it end?
You won't be satisfied until forever.
And you're right,
I won't do this forever.
It's not us I won't do.
It's this.
Without realizing it
Your pushing and taunting is tearing me down.
Tearing down everything I am and believe in.
Tearing down our relationship.
I can't let that continue.
I know you don't want to lose this..
What is it you seek to gain?
Do you have a time limit?
Do you have a certain point
At which you'll just accept my love?
Darling,
It's been six months.
And if it hasn't happened by now
It won't at all.
Don't try and put this one on me.
Don't try and say
"I knew this would happen,"
Or
"You did leave, just like everyone else has.."
Because if it ends here,
It won't be because of me,
It will be because you couldn't handle it.
Because you were too afraid,
And too weak,
To fight for us.
You give up too easy, you know?
Maybe I want you be stubborn enough not to let it go..
Like that night.
Remember that night?
That was the end, remember?
But you wouldn't let go.
At first you did.
At first it was the usual
"I fucked up I know.. You don't really love me.. Just forget me.."
Bullshit that I've had to deal with..
But then something clicked,
You came around and said this was it,
This was it and you weren't ever letting go of it.
I thought that meant something.
I thought that meant you would keep up your end.
I cried for you.
Tears I've not cried for anyone,
Have been shed for you.
And now you treat me like shit,
just to see how long I'll put up with it...
Damn it!
I love you!
That's why I do this...
Not because I'm trying to be strong
Or stick it out longer than anyone else..
I'm doing this because I love you.
But what if love isn't enough?
Right about there is when you give up.
If you have gotten this far,
I'm impressed.
Now, were you listening?
Are you hearing this?
Or have you already sunk into the usual hole?
The "Well I guess I fucked up again.. Like I always do. Always will.." hole.
Buck up, be a man, and actually try
And solve the problem for once!
I'm not asking you to change who you are,
I'm asking you to stop cowering behind those lame ass walls..
The ones that won't let me in,
And push me farther away.
Because I only need so much pushing
Before I take the hint and take off.
You really are acting as though ultimately, that's what you want.
If it is, then fine.
I'll do it.
I'll leave.
And you can believe whatever you want about it.
Because if you haven't gotten it by now,
Haven't heard any of it,
Then it's pointless.
Why even try?
Maybe I need to go mend my own broken heart now..
Seeing as how you won't let me near yours.
So Darling,
Don't you dare say it was because of me.
Your heart was already broken.
And no one can fix it for you,
Which is what you expected of me.
I'm only human.
And I don't have the power to mend broken hearts.
There is only One who does,
But you don't want to hear about that..
Don't you dare say you'll die because of this.
Because of me.
That I was the only thing worth holding onto.
That us was the only thing worth holding onto.
If that was true you would have held a bit tighter.
You would have at least tried to hold up your end.
Remember my conditions?
The ones I gave you that night?
The ones that said don't break my heart again?
Yeah, those.
You broke them.
You did.
You sunk back in.
You swore you wouldn't.
You said it wasn't gonna happen again.
I believed you.
And it lasted longer this time, it's true.
But it still came back.
And don't you dare say
It was because you always fuck things up.
Don't you dare.
Don't even think it.
There is always a choice.
There is always a decision.
And you are the one who keeps it going.
That vicious cycle.
Not because you are fated to.
Or because you "fail at life".
But because that is the only thing you can count on.
And so you do.
And you push everyone else away.
You push me away.
I can't live like this.
Be my reality or don't.
But don't expect me to pine for you any longer.
Don't expect me to be waiting in a couple years
When you decide you're ready.
Because by then I might be gone.
It might be too late.
No, I'll never forget you, don't think that.
Yes, I'll always love you, no matter what.
But seed sown on stony ground bears no fruit.
If you want to believe this is me giving up again.
Me being a pussy.
Not pushing you enough,
Not being strong enough for you,
Then I'm sorry.
You will believe what you want,
I know that.
But that's not what this is.
This is: My final push,
My final shove,
The last thing I can do to make you wake up.
This is putting the decision in your hands.
I'm sorry that you hate them so,
But you will always have to make them,
And especially this one.
This truly is your decision.
You are the only one who is able to make it.
Don't give me shit about not knowing what I want,
Trying to tell me that's it's really mine after all.
You're wrong.
This one, at least, is yours.
And if you can't even recognize that,
Can't even think about this one thing,
If you can't decide if you want me in your life..
Then you don't.
And that is your decision.
Thank you for making it.
I'll be gone.
Eventually, maybe, I'll understand....
Six months.
Give or take a few hours here and there,
Due to lack of sleep or frustration,
Or just being left to my thoughts for too long...
Six months.
It's a long time.
Feels as though it's been an eternity..
That it has passed in the blink of an eye..
Six months and we're still in the same place we started.
We have come full circle, yet again.
And yet again I am questioning.
We must be insane.
I'm certain that we are.
The thing is,
You don't understand,
Do you?
You are just waiting for the inevitable.
Waiting and pushing.
You think if you push,
You'll see how dedicated I am.
Gauge how much I care.
See if I really love you more,
Or am I the same as everyone else?
There is a small part of me that can understand
All the testing,
Pushing,
Teasing..
But where will it stop?
When will it end?
You won't be satisfied until forever.
And you're right,
I won't do this forever.
It's not us I won't do.
It's this.
Without realizing it
Your pushing and taunting is tearing me down.
Tearing down everything I am and believe in.
Tearing down our relationship.
I can't let that continue.
I know you don't want to lose this..
What is it you seek to gain?
Do you have a time limit?
Do you have a certain point
At which you'll just accept my love?
Darling,
It's been six months.
And if it hasn't happened by now
It won't at all.
Don't try and put this one on me.
Don't try and say
"I knew this would happen,"
Or
"You did leave, just like everyone else has.."
Because if it ends here,
It won't be because of me,
It will be because you couldn't handle it.
Because you were too afraid,
And too weak,
To fight for us.
You give up too easy, you know?
Maybe I want you be stubborn enough not to let it go..
Like that night.
Remember that night?
That was the end, remember?
But you wouldn't let go.
At first you did.
At first it was the usual
"I fucked up I know.. You don't really love me.. Just forget me.."
Bullshit that I've had to deal with..
But then something clicked,
You came around and said this was it,
This was it and you weren't ever letting go of it.
I thought that meant something.
I thought that meant you would keep up your end.
I cried for you.
Tears I've not cried for anyone,
Have been shed for you.
And now you treat me like shit,
just to see how long I'll put up with it...
Damn it!
I love you!
That's why I do this...
Not because I'm trying to be strong
Or stick it out longer than anyone else..
I'm doing this because I love you.
But what if love isn't enough?
Right about there is when you give up.
If you have gotten this far,
I'm impressed.
Now, were you listening?
Are you hearing this?
Or have you already sunk into the usual hole?
The "Well I guess I fucked up again.. Like I always do. Always will.." hole.
Buck up, be a man, and actually try
And solve the problem for once!
I'm not asking you to change who you are,
I'm asking you to stop cowering behind those lame ass walls..
The ones that won't let me in,
And push me farther away.
Because I only need so much pushing
Before I take the hint and take off.
You really are acting as though ultimately, that's what you want.
If it is, then fine.
I'll do it.
I'll leave.
And you can believe whatever you want about it.
Because if you haven't gotten it by now,
Haven't heard any of it,
Then it's pointless.
Why even try?
Maybe I need to go mend my own broken heart now..
Seeing as how you won't let me near yours.
So Darling,
Don't you dare say it was because of me.
Your heart was already broken.
And no one can fix it for you,
Which is what you expected of me.
I'm only human.
And I don't have the power to mend broken hearts.
There is only One who does,
But you don't want to hear about that..
Don't you dare say you'll die because of this.
Because of me.
That I was the only thing worth holding onto.
That us was the only thing worth holding onto.
If that was true you would have held a bit tighter.
You would have at least tried to hold up your end.
Remember my conditions?
The ones I gave you that night?
The ones that said don't break my heart again?
Yeah, those.
You broke them.
You did.
You sunk back in.
You swore you wouldn't.
You said it wasn't gonna happen again.
I believed you.
And it lasted longer this time, it's true.
But it still came back.
And don't you dare say
It was because you always fuck things up.
Don't you dare.
Don't even think it.
There is always a choice.
There is always a decision.
And you are the one who keeps it going.
That vicious cycle.
Not because you are fated to.
Or because you "fail at life".
But because that is the only thing you can count on.
And so you do.
And you push everyone else away.
You push me away.
I can't live like this.
Be my reality or don't.
But don't expect me to pine for you any longer.
Don't expect me to be waiting in a couple years
When you decide you're ready.
Because by then I might be gone.
It might be too late.
No, I'll never forget you, don't think that.
Yes, I'll always love you, no matter what.
But seed sown on stony ground bears no fruit.
If you want to believe this is me giving up again.
Me being a pussy.
Not pushing you enough,
Not being strong enough for you,
Then I'm sorry.
You will believe what you want,
I know that.
But that's not what this is.
This is: My final push,
My final shove,
The last thing I can do to make you wake up.
This is putting the decision in your hands.
I'm sorry that you hate them so,
But you will always have to make them,
And especially this one.
This truly is your decision.
You are the only one who is able to make it.
Don't give me shit about not knowing what I want,
Trying to tell me that's it's really mine after all.
You're wrong.
This one, at least, is yours.
And if you can't even recognize that,
Can't even think about this one thing,
If you can't decide if you want me in your life..
Then you don't.
And that is your decision.
Thank you for making it.
I'll be gone.
Eventually, maybe, I'll understand....
Apocalyptica Feat. Adam Gontier:
I Don't Care
I try to make it through my life
In my way there's you
I try to make it through these lies
And that's all I do
Just don't deny it
Don't try to fight this
And deal with it
That's just part of it
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
Just go and leave this all behind
'Cause I swear, I don't care
I try to make you see my side
I always try to stay in line
But your eyes see right through
That's all they do
I'm getting buried in this place
I got no room you're in my face
Don't say anything
Just go away
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
Just go and leave this all behind
'Cause I swear,
[I swear]
I don't care
[Not changing everything, you won't be there for me]
[Not changing everything, you won't be there for me]
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
Just go and leave this all behind
'Cause I swear,
[I swear]
I don't care
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care,
[I don't care]
I don't care
[I don't care]
Just go and leave this all behind
I don't care
[I swear]
I don't care.....
At all...
I try to make it through my life
In my way there's you
I try to make it through these lies
And that's all I do
Just don't deny it
Don't try to fight this
And deal with it
That's just part of it
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
Just go and leave this all behind
'Cause I swear, I don't care
I try to make you see my side
I always try to stay in line
But your eyes see right through
That's all they do
I'm getting buried in this place
I got no room you're in my face
Don't say anything
Just go away
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
Just go and leave this all behind
'Cause I swear,
[I swear]
I don't care
[Not changing everything, you won't be there for me]
[Not changing everything, you won't be there for me]
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
Just go and leave this all behind
'Cause I swear,
[I swear]
I don't care
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care,
[I don't care]
I don't care
[I don't care]
Just go and leave this all behind
I don't care
[I swear]
I don't care.....
At all...
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Joseph Daniel [Daydream]
I can't do it.
I know you have been...
But I can't.
I don't have anything else.
I shouldn't have to work for this.
You shouldn't push me on purpose.
If you keep this up your fears will come true.
You will make them happen.
So do something about it.
Just try for once.
Stop saying poor me.
Start looking around you
and figure out if this is what you want,
cuz if you do,
you have to fight for it too...
You have to pick up where I left off...
Cuz I don't wanna give up,
but I don't have much more.
So you decide.
Be my reality,
or my Daydream?
I know you have been...
But I can't.
I don't have anything else.
I shouldn't have to work for this.
You shouldn't push me on purpose.
If you keep this up your fears will come true.
You will make them happen.
So do something about it.
Just try for once.
Stop saying poor me.
Start looking around you
and figure out if this is what you want,
cuz if you do,
you have to fight for it too...
You have to pick up where I left off...
Cuz I don't wanna give up,
but I don't have much more.
So you decide.
Be my reality,
or my Daydream?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Wall of Tears...
So the title pretty much tells it all.
I saw my dad tonight.
Not my "biological" father.
My "He's always been there for me accepts me for who I am
tells me the truth from him and God who will always love me forever" Dad..
I miss him [Wes] and Carrie so much!
See,
He was our youth pastor..
For years he poured into us.
Cared about us.
Went out on limbs for us.
Cried with us!
Encouraged us.
Built us up.
Then God called them to be missionaries...
And then they were gone...
I hadn't seen them in almost two years..
I did tonight..
And I'm literally holding back a wall of tears as I write this.
Where did the fire go?
Where did the passion go?
Where did God go?
When did the youth group stop letting him in?
Why does the new youth pastor [his name is Wes too] not seem to reach for it?
For The Spirit. For the Fire. For More.
I have much too many questions..
I know this.
And I never meant for this blog to turn into a rant.
Or maybe I did.
I'm not really sure.
All I know is.. well.. That I don't know.
Anything.
Other than that God still loves me and has a plan.
And..
Dad and Carrie still love me too!
I love them so much!!
I didn't even realize how much I missed them.
Their hugs.
Their voices.
Their love.
They really love me.
I really love them...
And I miss the... Everything!
I miss belonging somewhere..
Being needed, wanted, and loved somewhere.
I don't know where to turn.
Maybe I should.. I don't know.
I don't.
I really don't.
I saw my dad tonight.
Not my "biological" father.
My "He's always been there for me accepts me for who I am
tells me the truth from him and God who will always love me forever" Dad..
I miss him [Wes] and Carrie so much!
See,
He was our youth pastor..
For years he poured into us.
Cared about us.
Went out on limbs for us.
Cried with us!
Encouraged us.
Built us up.
Then God called them to be missionaries...
And then they were gone...
I hadn't seen them in almost two years..
I did tonight..
And I'm literally holding back a wall of tears as I write this.
Where did the fire go?
Where did the passion go?
Where did God go?
When did the youth group stop letting him in?
Why does the new youth pastor [his name is Wes too] not seem to reach for it?
For The Spirit. For the Fire. For More.
I have much too many questions..
I know this.
And I never meant for this blog to turn into a rant.
Or maybe I did.
I'm not really sure.
All I know is.. well.. That I don't know.
Anything.
Other than that God still loves me and has a plan.
And..
Dad and Carrie still love me too!
I love them so much!!
I didn't even realize how much I missed them.
Their hugs.
Their voices.
Their love.
They really love me.
I really love them...
And I miss the... Everything!
I miss belonging somewhere..
Being needed, wanted, and loved somewhere.
I don't know where to turn.
Maybe I should.. I don't know.
I don't.
I really don't.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
As far as I've gotten.... [or not]
Oh kay well...
This is interesting.
I'm literally having to sort through masses of emotions
and situations that are all jumbled up and confusing.
And I just made my mum disappointed AGAIN.
She wants me to eat dinner with her.
I already ate and I told her I was going to.
Now she's all irritated because I'm talking to the boyfriend
instead of watching One Tree Hill with her and eating and laughing
and joking and maybe being happy go lucky.
I can't be happy..
I can't be.
I don't know what the f*ck I'm doing.
I must be insane.
I must be.
God.
I'm on the phone with him fighting tears and he doesn't even know.
Doesn't know why.
Can't know why.
I can't tell him, either.
How do you tell someone they are breaking your heart?
That you're dying slowly inside?
That it's all because you love him?
Because he actually loves you too..
That that's why you're having problems?
Because no matter what I question things.
When he tells me something
[Not promises. He's not allowed to promise.]
and then it changes.
He changes it.
He doesn't tell me.
He acts like it never happened.
He's depressed.
He won't talk.
He doesn't get it.
We're connected and it's killing me and he doesn't even effing know!
God!
Why am I stuck here?
What is wrong with me?
Am I just rambling now?
I believe that indeed I am doing just that...
The thing is..
I need more.
I need him.
Not just his voice, him.
I can't do much more of this..
I'm sinking.
Oh man... It's because of an effing guy!
How did this happen?
I swore it never would..
I would never be drug down by one of them.
They weren't important enough.
They are all scum.
Right?
Isn't that what we're supposed to believe?
Why did he have to prove me wrong?
Why is it breaking my heart?
Why does he do this?
Why doesn't he know?
He said he loves me but.. What?
But what?
I dunno... I dunno...
I just don't... Know.
That's it.
I'm on the phone.
I need to finish that..
This is interesting.
I'm literally having to sort through masses of emotions
and situations that are all jumbled up and confusing.
And I just made my mum disappointed AGAIN.
She wants me to eat dinner with her.
I already ate and I told her I was going to.
Now she's all irritated because I'm talking to the boyfriend
instead of watching One Tree Hill with her and eating and laughing
and joking and maybe being happy go lucky.
I can't be happy..
I can't be.
I don't know what the f*ck I'm doing.
I must be insane.
I must be.
God.
I'm on the phone with him fighting tears and he doesn't even know.
Doesn't know why.
Can't know why.
I can't tell him, either.
How do you tell someone they are breaking your heart?
That you're dying slowly inside?
That it's all because you love him?
Because he actually loves you too..
That that's why you're having problems?
Because no matter what I question things.
When he tells me something
[Not promises. He's not allowed to promise.]
and then it changes.
He changes it.
He doesn't tell me.
He acts like it never happened.
He's depressed.
He won't talk.
He doesn't get it.
We're connected and it's killing me and he doesn't even effing know!
God!
Why am I stuck here?
What is wrong with me?
Am I just rambling now?
I believe that indeed I am doing just that...
The thing is..
I need more.
I need him.
Not just his voice, him.
I can't do much more of this..
I'm sinking.
Oh man... It's because of an effing guy!
How did this happen?
I swore it never would..
I would never be drug down by one of them.
They weren't important enough.
They are all scum.
Right?
Isn't that what we're supposed to believe?
Why did he have to prove me wrong?
Why is it breaking my heart?
Why does he do this?
Why doesn't he know?
He said he loves me but.. What?
But what?
I dunno... I dunno...
I just don't... Know.
That's it.
I'm on the phone.
I need to finish that..
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