As far as I've gotten.... [or not]

Oh kay well...
This is interesting.
I'm literally having to sort through masses of emotions
and situations that are all jumbled up and confusing.
And I just made my mum disappointed AGAIN.
She wants me to eat dinner with her.
I already ate and I told her I was going to.
Now she's all irritated because I'm talking to the boyfriend
instead of watching One Tree Hill with her and eating and laughing
and joking and maybe being happy go lucky.
I can't be happy..
I can't be.
I don't know what the f*ck I'm doing.
I must be insane.
I must be.
God.
I'm on the phone with him fighting tears and he doesn't even know.
Doesn't know why.
Can't know why.
I can't tell him, either.
How do you tell someone they are breaking your heart?
That you're dying slowly inside?
That it's all because you love him?
Because he actually loves you too..
That that's why you're having problems?
Because no matter what I question things.
When he tells me something
[Not promises. He's not allowed to promise.]
and then it changes.
He changes it.
He doesn't tell me.
He acts like it never happened.
He's depressed.
He won't talk.
He doesn't get it.
We're connected and it's killing me and he doesn't even effing know!
God!
Why am I stuck here?
What is wrong with me?
Am I just rambling now?
I believe that indeed I am doing just that...
The thing is..
I need more.
I need him.
Not just his voice, him.
I can't do much more of this..
I'm sinking.
Oh man... It's because of an effing guy!
How did this happen?
I swore it never would..
I would never be drug down by one of them.
They weren't important enough.
They are all scum.
Right?
Isn't that what we're supposed to believe?
Why did he have to prove me wrong?
Why is it breaking my heart?
Why does he do this?
Why doesn't he know?
He said he loves me but.. What?
But what?
I dunno... I dunno...
I just don't... Know.
That's it.
I'm on the phone.
I need to finish that..