I do...

"I do love you, you know.."
That's what he said.
That's what he said after our fight..
The fight that we had on our six month anniversary.
That was a fun night.
Don't worry..
I'm not that much of a freak.
I don't really think it was fun.
That was just my sarcasm kicking in.
Well.. Actually, it never kicks off.
It's always there.
My constant companion.
Seems to always make things better,
When, in reality, it only makes them worse.
But enough about my fire-wall...
I was writing this because..
Well...
Because I never conclude things.
I only write when I'm at my lowest, it seems.
I don't go farther,
don't let myself, my journal, or anyone else
know when things have gotten better..
Or not changed at all.
So here it is.
I think things are a little better..
I mean I talked to the boyfriend the other night..
[note: the fight on our six month]
And I wasn't mad anymore...
But you know,
I don't think I was mad in the first place..
I was..
Confused,
Aching,
Suspended,
Frustrated,
I felt stuck.
I felt helpless..
I felt like it was my fault..
The truth is I dunno who's fault it is..
I think it's both of ours.
For wanting something this bad
We sure have a funny way of showing it.
And like I said this goes for me too.
We are doing great.
Then hit something rough,
and give up..
We give up over and over and over again..
I guess since we have the chance to give up so many times
that means eventually we work things out..
And that is partially true.
But really it's just a sucky way to do things.
When we have a problem... Or I do... Whatever.
We should talk about it..
Figure it out.
Get it all out in the open,
Open and messy and bleeding..
Then get it cleaned up.
And do it together.
Why does it take a blow out for us to do this?
Why can't we open up to each other..?
Are we so wounded that..
We can't trust the one person closest to us?
The person that means everything
And the promise that without them there's nothing..
Maybe that's just it.
The one person who can mean so much to me...
Maybe that's the one person I'm afraid to get too close to..
Scared shitless, actually.
I'm a bag full of issues..
I don't claim to have my head on straight..
He is the one guy that has proven me wrong..
Not all men are the same, I suppose.
Mm.. No.
That's not right either.
I guess I meant..
Not all men are destined to reject me.
For whatever reason.
Whether he doesn't realize he's done it,
Or he's an ass,
Or just a teenage boy who is told what he should want..
Or just in it for sex.
[Yeah, THAT'S not gonna happen!]
Or a father who didn't really know how to be one..
[I can't blame him tho, in his weird way he loves me..]
I guess what I'm trying to say is..
Maybe I do need to try harder too..
Sure he needs to not give up so easily.
Be a man and fight for me, you know?
But geez.. He's just as messed up as I am.
Maybe I need to fight for him too.
Show up the best friend.
[No offense to him. Not trying to replace him or anything..]
Show him I do love him.
I do, baby, I do.