Six Months......

That's how long it's been.
Six months.
Give or take a few hours here and there,
Due to lack of sleep or frustration,
Or just being left to my thoughts for too long...
Six months.
It's a long time.
Feels as though it's been an eternity..
That it has passed in the blink of an eye..
Six months and we're still in the same place we started.
We have come full circle, yet again.
And yet again I am questioning.
We must be insane.
I'm certain that we are.
The thing is,
You don't understand,
Do you?
You are just waiting for the inevitable.
Waiting and pushing.
You think if you push,
You'll see how dedicated I am.
Gauge how much I care.
See if I really love you more,
Or am I the same as everyone else?
There is a small part of me that can understand
All the testing,
Pushing,
Teasing..
But where will it stop?
When will it end?
You won't be satisfied until forever.
And you're right,
I won't do this forever.
It's not us I won't do.
It's this.
Without realizing it
Your pushing and taunting is tearing me down.
Tearing down everything I am and believe in.
Tearing down our relationship.
I can't let that continue.
I know you don't want to lose this..
What is it you seek to gain?
Do you have a time limit?
Do you have a certain point
At which you'll just accept my love?
Darling,
It's been six months.
And if it hasn't happened by now
It won't at all.
Don't try and put this one on me.
Don't try and say
"I knew this would happen,"
Or
"You did leave, just like everyone else has.."
Because if it ends here,
It won't be because of me,
It will be because you couldn't handle it.
Because you were too afraid,
And too weak,
To fight for us.
You give up too easy, you know?
Maybe I want you be stubborn enough not to let it go..
Like that night.
Remember that night?
That was the end, remember?
But you wouldn't let go.
At first you did.
At first it was the usual
"I fucked up I know.. You don't really love me.. Just forget me.."
Bullshit that I've had to deal with..
But then something clicked,
You came around and said this was it,
This was it and you weren't ever letting go of it.
I thought that meant something.
I thought that meant you would keep up your end.
I cried for you.
Tears I've not cried for anyone,
Have been shed for you.
And now you treat me like shit,
just to see how long I'll put up with it...
Damn it!
I love you!
That's why I do this...
Not because I'm trying to be strong
Or stick it out longer than anyone else..
I'm doing this because I love you.
But what if love isn't enough?
Right about there is when you give up.
If you have gotten this far,
I'm impressed.
Now, were you listening?
Are you hearing this?
Or have you already sunk into the usual hole?
The "Well I guess I fucked up again.. Like I always do. Always will.." hole.
Buck up, be a man, and actually try
And solve the problem for once!
I'm not asking you to change who you are,
I'm asking you to stop cowering behind those lame ass walls..
The ones that won't let me in,
And push me farther away.
Because I only need so much pushing
Before I take the hint and take off.
You really are acting as though ultimately, that's what you want.
If it is, then fine.
I'll do it.
I'll leave.
And you can believe whatever you want about it.
Because if you haven't gotten it by now,
Haven't heard any of it,
Then it's pointless.
Why even try?
Maybe I need to go mend my own broken heart now..
Seeing as how you won't let me near yours.
So Darling,
Don't you dare say it was because of me.
Your heart was already broken.
And no one can fix it for you,
Which is what you expected of me.
I'm only human.
And I don't have the power to mend broken hearts.
There is only One who does,
But you don't want to hear about that..
Don't you dare say you'll die because of this.
Because of me.
That I was the only thing worth holding onto.
That us was the only thing worth holding onto.
If that was true you would have held a bit tighter.
You would have at least tried to hold up your end.
Remember my conditions?
The ones I gave you that night?
The ones that said don't break my heart again?
Yeah, those.
You broke them.
You did.
You sunk back in.
You swore you wouldn't.
You said it wasn't gonna happen again.
I believed you.
And it lasted longer this time, it's true.
But it still came back.
And don't you dare say
It was because you always fuck things up.
Don't you dare.
Don't even think it.
There is always a choice.
There is always a decision.
And you are the one who keeps it going.
That vicious cycle.
Not because you are fated to.
Or because you "fail at life".
But because that is the only thing you can count on.
And so you do.
And you push everyone else away.
You push me away.
I can't live like this.
Be my reality or don't.
But don't expect me to pine for you any longer.
Don't expect me to be waiting in a couple years
When you decide you're ready.
Because by then I might be gone.
It might be too late.
No, I'll never forget you, don't think that.
Yes, I'll always love you, no matter what.
But seed sown on stony ground bears no fruit.

If you want to believe this is me giving up again.
Me being a pussy.
Not pushing you enough,
Not being strong enough for you,
Then I'm sorry.
You will believe what you want,
I know that.
But that's not what this is.
This is: My final push,
My final shove,
The last thing I can do to make you wake up.
This is putting the decision in your hands.
I'm sorry that you hate them so,
But you will always have to make them,
And especially this one.
This truly is your decision.
You are the only one who is able to make it.

Don't give me shit about not knowing what I want,
Trying to tell me that's it's really mine after all.
You're wrong.
This one, at least, is yours.
And if you can't even recognize that,
Can't even think about this one thing,
If you can't decide if you want me in your life..
Then you don't.
And that is your decision.
Thank you for making it.
I'll be gone.
Eventually, maybe, I'll understand....