Different..

He said I sound different.
Not like my usual self.
She says I'm taking it out on her.
Says what I had was real,
Unlike her.
Hmm..
Yes,
I sound different.
No,
I'm not taking it out on you.
You my best friend
Who I care about above even the man I love..
No.
I'm not taking it out on you.
You are kicking yourself because you know how I feel.
And you know I'm right.
And you know that it's your choices that keep you from this.
This beautiful pain I'm in.
It's still better,
I think,
Than the pain of not knowing real love at all..
And I'm not really mad.
I'm not mad at boy.
And I'm not mad at best friend..
I'm just hurt.
And taking my mind off of it.. well...
It isn't going to happen.
No matter what.
And it took me all day to finally stop lying to myself
That it would.
I acted like I didn't want to think about it..
When really that was the only thing I thought about.
Scenario after scenario..
And then he called a bit ago.
Yeah.
I sound different.
I don't sound like my normal self.
Well, my normal, that is.
Yeah I don't sound like.. Me.
Cuz half of me is missing.
And I don't know if I'll ever get her back..

How stupid would it be to try and get a bus ticket?
Like One-Way?
Like to say.. Hmm.. The Tri-Cities Washington?
When is it doing something stupid for a boy..
And following your heart?
Would he have me?
Or was this his kind, sweet way of telling me
We really were insane to even try,
That it was a nice thought,
A nice memory,
A nice try.
But not what is meant to be..

My sister.
My wonderful, dear, loving sister..
Well,
She told me "Don't make your decision because of a boy."
Didn't she move to Washington for a boy?
Granted they were engaged..
Beside the point!
Ah!
How is it I just heard his voice in my head telling me
"It is the point."
He used to always tell me that.
Whenever I said it was beside the point,
Whatever the point was,
That's what he would tell me....

I had a sickly fascinating fight with myself today.
Sickly, being the key word.
Sickly.
Sick.
I'm sick.
I haven't been to school since Monday..
But I think I feel worse just above my stomach,
In my heart,
In my head.
So,
That fight I was talking about?
Yeah.
Lemme see if I can re-cap properly..
Hmm...
"You know you're relieved"
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are. It's what you wanted.
You just didn't know how to make it happen without
Hurting him."
"That's not true!"
It's not it's not true it's not!"
"Yes it is. You're already thinking how nice it would be
To have a boyfriend who can actually hold you.
Kiss you.
Tell you you're beautiful cuz he thinks so."
"No! I love him! I do!"
"Yeah... But are you in love with him?"
"Yes! Yes yes I am! I am!
Right?
Yes Damnit I do!"
Yeah..
It went on like that for hours..
Never really ended actually.
Let me just point out something:
Don't walk along a busy street
While fighting with your inner self.
It's not really a good idea.
Yeah, No.
Just take it from me.
Kay?
Kay!

Hmm... I believe my rambling has gotten
Worse this time 'round..
Yeah?
I think so.

Hmm..
How do girls just say
"I don't want to be pregnant anymore."?
It doesn't really work that way.
Don't ask how I got off on this subject cuz,
Believe it or not it's from One Tree Hill.
Yes,
I'm watching One Tree Hill.
And Uh,
Brooke just decided she can't
Be pregnant.
Wow.
This is true rant worthy material.
The whole concept of abortion
Is one that disgusts me!
It's murder in it's purest form.
Truly, it is.
On a slightly different note,
How do you convince someone
Who's parents tried to abort them
That they really are worth loving?
That you love them.
Because I still do.
Hmm.. A bus ticket sounds awfully nice..
But I can't just run away from my life, can I?
I wouldn't have anywhere to go.
I'm not afraid.
I am but, I could do it to be with him but..
He couldn't.
Does that mean he doesn't love me enough?
No.. It doesn't.
It just means.. What?
We rushed things.
We aren't meant for each other.
He loves his home too much to leave.
He... Uh... Damnit.
I dunno.
I'm making this up as I go along I suppose.
This is just me being crazy and
Wishing things were different.
Wishing there was something I could do.
I could help him, if he would let me.
But he won't.
He can't.
I love him so much.
And he loves me but...
His fear is stronger I suppose.
And that means..
That means what?

Is this when I figure out
If I'm gonna be strong for him?
Or for me?
And which is which?
Where does one begin and the other end?
I guess it's just me being here and..
Staying here and..
Moving on and..
Letting him be.
And trying not to sound...
Disappointed and
Heartbroken and
Lonely and
Afraid and...
Different.

Oh wow.
My best friend thinks she's worthless.
Great!
Could I fail any more?
No.
I don't think I could.
Yeah.
I've hit the bottom.
Yay me!
Lost my boyfriend and best friend
In 24 hours.
Yeah.
I rock.
GO ME!!
Uh huh...

Guess it's a good thing no one reads this..
Wouldn't want anyone to think I'm..
Different.
Ha!
Sorry I just couldn't resist..
Of course I'm different.
I pride myself in that.
I just never.. Well..
Recently I didn't really believe I'd end up alone.
And now I will.
I have.
Three cheers for me.
I'm such a winner.