Loved and lost.

He thinks I'm mad.
Thinks I'm angry.
I'm not angry.
Well,
Maybe a little.
But not at him.
I'm angry
Because I let myself get involved.
Get attached.
Get trampled.
Not by him but by my emotions.
I let myself get caught up in a fantasy.
Something I thought was worth dreaming about.
Something I could hold onto.
Well,
It was a nice dream.
But the thing about dreams,
Is that eventually,
You have to wake up.
I had to wake up.
And even though it was his idea
To blow the whistle on the whole thing
I don't think he has.

I can't stand to hear his voice.
It's not the same as it was.
In fact,
It's worse.
Much much worse.
When we were just friends before,
We had no history.
But now,
Now we have six months of it.
And I can't stand to hear his voice.
Especially not when he says those words.
Those three words.
The three lil tiny ones that..
For lack of a better phrase,
Pack a punch.
He's just not allowed to say that anymore.
He's just not.
I mean,
How do you,
In essence,
Tell someone you don't want them bad enough
To be with them,
And then profess your love?
No.
You can't do that.
I was a wreck yesterday.
It ruined me for two days.

All I wanted was him.
Totally and completely.
And what he gave me were words.
Not promises exactly,
But hope.
Hope I told him I wanted no part of.
And yet he insisted.
Insisted there was hope.
For the both of us.
Together.

And now it's gone.
And he just doesn't understand what it's done.
What it's done to me.
He doesn't lose anything.
He still has me as a friend.
As there as I ever was before.
But he can't have my heart.
Not right now.
It is too broken.
I need to keep it locked up for a while.
I'm on the edge of jumping into a deep, black puddle.
A deep, black, endless puddle.
One with no edge
No depth.
No beginnning
And no end.
I want to crawl back into my hole.
My safe lil hole.
My dark, depressing yet safe, lil hole.
I want to hide there.
I can't stand to hear his voice.
It hurts too much.
He just doesn't understand the magnitude.
What exactly he has done.
What he has done by refusing to do.... Anything.

He spoke to my heart.
He caressed it and said loving things to it.
He told it it was worth while
And that he would always love it.
That he would wait for it,
As long as it takes.
And then without realizing it
He slowly grabbed hold of it
Lifted it above his head
And smashed it on the ground.
You know how long it takes
To clean up that sort of mess?
How much energy is required?
I have had to slowly stitch it together
Piece by piece.
And it's still not whole.
No where near.
I have to protect it.
Shield it.
Hide it.

And then he says those words.
Like nothing has happened.
As though my heart can handle it.
Like this is any other day less than a week ago.
But it's not.
And he says those words...
And when he does,
All my work.
All the mending and careful attention
That I payed to myself all
Gets thrown down the dispose-all.
Crushed and torn and shredded.
That's how I felt when we had hung up.
And then I was barricaded again.
The walls went up.
Those trusty impenetrable walls.

And he still doesn't understand.
I want him to love me.
I do.
That's all I want.
I was even thinking up crazy schemes
To make it possible.
I even considered going back to before.
I considered doing this half time thing.
I wanted him to prove it.
To fight for it.
To want to be with me so bad it... hurts.
The way it did me.
But he can't.
Because he doesn't.
Not the way he thinks he does.
If he did
He would tell me:
In person.

And I can't make him love me.
And I wouldn't want to.
If he doesn't feel it now
He never will.

So now I guess I just wait.
Wait for him to figure it out.
To move on.
So I can.

Because as ridiculous as it is
As long as he hasn't completely rejected me
My stupid heart wants to believe
More than anything
That any moment now
He will call me
Tell me it was a big mistake
That he wants me more than anything
That he's coming
Or on his way
Or here already.
He will cry or beg or plead or just say
"Baby I need you. I know that now."
That he will mean it.
That he will need me.
I need him to need me.

But see that's insane.
I know he doesn't need me.
I know it's not going to happen that way.
Those wishes are the stuff of fairy tales.
And this is not one.
It could have been...
But it's just not.
Who am I kidding.
This is my life.
Those things don't happen to me.
They just don't.
I'm a spectator.
I watch while life happens to others.
Good things and bad.
But life all the same.
While it passes me by.
It seems to know I don't want what it offers.
And yet,
That's all I want.
Is it true?
That's it's better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all...?
I'll let you know in a couple years.
When I think back on this
And still feel that familiar ripping inside.
I'll let you know.