Re-prioritizing..

I was going to write about
How freaked out I was tonight.
About the things I've been thinking and feeling.
About something that's been haunting me,
That I only told one person about.
[Not counting my other half. Of course she knows.]
It's weird that she knows,
Because she will ask if I've done it and..
No I haven't.
But does it only count if you've just thought about it?
Or toyed with it?
Or if you use something besides a.. well.. you know.
No I haven't done it yet.
I won't promise that I won't, though.

The thing is,
I was reading a friend's blog..
And, Damn.
It makes me ashamed to even think I deserve
To feel pain.
I don't.
Not compared to my friends.
Not compared to these people I love.
Who hold so much pain inside themselves.
Who have to release it through unconventional means..
Like I did.
Except wasn't I just toying with it?
I wasn't serious.
I'm a pansy.
I can't even do the bad things properly.
And yet these girls.. They can.
It makes me sick.
How pathetic am I?
That I have to do something like that..
When I have no reason.
When I should just be happy.
Or even when I am happy,
But I still want to.

Maybe that's the difference.
They are strong.
Maybe I'm not.

I can't promise I won't do it again.
But I can promise I will hide it properly.
I will not show anyone.
No one will know.
Because it isn't important.
I'm not.
Not compared to them.
Now if only there were something I could do....