Second thing I'm learning.

Well the second thing
I need to learn is that
There are people I can trust
There are people who care
And who can maybe understand.
I have found one of these people.
He must be the third one I have
Ever encountered.
Well, besides me mum :]
I guess I don't have to keep my mouth shut.
Not all the time..
I guess I can voice my opinions
Without worrying I'll crush him.
He is such a good friend to me.
Invaluable.
And it has all happened in such a short time..
I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything.
Today is a good day.

I miss my air.
I miss my Leah.
Nothing,
No one,
Can or will ever replace her,
Or take away how I feel when I'm around her,
Or talking to her,
Or about her.
How proud of her I am.
How much I love her.
But Hat help make it more bearable..
Hat, and his owner :D

I love you Leah.
I always will♥

First thing I'm learning.

Ah the things I'm learning.
Big one right now would be
To keep my mouth shut.
Doesn't matter if I know I can trust him.
What the hell am I doing?!
KEEP. MY. MOUTH. SHUT.
Give him just enough to let him think,
Let him ponder,
Let him believe he knows.
Maybe this is what I meant,
About the truth being another form of trickery.
Perhaps.
How can I just not respond now?
He knows too much.
I told him too much.
And even if I hadn't,
He's not the easiest person to fool.
He's insightful.
Damnit.
After everything we've talked through now..
How am I going to face him,
Like normal,
When he knows things about me maybe
One other person knows.
Granted he doesn't know everything..
But enough.
And.. Geez give it enough time
And maybe he will.
Know everything.
That would just be weird.
For him to know more
Than the guy I was in love with?
Why do I feel like I can trust him more..?

I do love his hat tho :D

THIS is what I believe in.

I AM the crushing force..

He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me

I don't even know how many times he said it..
That's how much he did.
And I couldn't feel anything.
I was completely numb.
And.. I think I might still have feelings
for someone else, someone that was before Joe..
And I was so numb, I couldn't even feel that!
And I didn't know what to do..
And I continued to not feel a thing,
even through his breaking down,
until he told me he had been in the hospital
TWICE this week.
And I had no idea.
No one contacted me.
Then I cried a little.
Is that the best I can do?!
Crying a little??
I never thought I'd get so low..
To the point where I'm the one causing all the pain.
No matter what I say or don't say,
It happens.
It did happen.
It will happen.
I don't deserve to make it through,
Or be happy, at this point.
I would gladly sacrifice this existence,
For a couple others to have their happiness back.
To have it and keep it.
But I don't get to do that, do I?
No.
I'll have to live with this, constantly knowing,
That all I do is hurt the people that love me most.
And even by warning them to stay away,
I'm sure that will hurt as well.
But maybe not as much as it would in the long run of sticking by me.

Re-prioritizing..

I was going to write about
How freaked out I was tonight.
About the things I've been thinking and feeling.
About something that's been haunting me,
That I only told one person about.
[Not counting my other half. Of course she knows.]
It's weird that she knows,
Because she will ask if I've done it and..
No I haven't.
But does it only count if you've just thought about it?
Or toyed with it?
Or if you use something besides a.. well.. you know.
No I haven't done it yet.
I won't promise that I won't, though.

The thing is,
I was reading a friend's blog..
And, Damn.
It makes me ashamed to even think I deserve
To feel pain.
I don't.
Not compared to my friends.
Not compared to these people I love.
Who hold so much pain inside themselves.
Who have to release it through unconventional means..
Like I did.
Except wasn't I just toying with it?
I wasn't serious.
I'm a pansy.
I can't even do the bad things properly.
And yet these girls.. They can.
It makes me sick.
How pathetic am I?
That I have to do something like that..
When I have no reason.
When I should just be happy.
Or even when I am happy,
But I still want to.

Maybe that's the difference.
They are strong.
Maybe I'm not.

I can't promise I won't do it again.
But I can promise I will hide it properly.
I will not show anyone.
No one will know.
Because it isn't important.
I'm not.
Not compared to them.
Now if only there were something I could do....

I was fine until..

Why does this happen?
I was fine.
I was fine.
Yeah.
I was fine until my good friend
Asked how life was..
I was fine until I started thinking about it.
I was fine until I started sorting it.
I was fine until I started feeling it.
I was fine until I had to re-stash it.
I was fine until I was left alone with it.

Starting to sound like a never ending cycle.
It sounds a lot like me a week ago..
Oh God,
It was only a week ago?
It was was only a week ago.

I'm shaking.
I'm actually shaking.
And I feel all sped up and
Stuck in a numb slow-motion simultaneously..
I'm so messed up.
Or maybe I'm finally letting myself out..
Of my head or wherever it is that selves hide.
Sure, she has a serval,
but isn't that what I told her?
We just aren't hiding it.
Except,
I am.
I need to, it seems.
I don't care what other people think.
Or how they might react.
It's me I don't know about.

There's this quote..
"Me, I'm dishonest.
And you can always trust
the dishonest to be dishonest.
It's the honest ones you have to watch out for,
Honestly, because you never know
when they're going to do something..
Incredibly.. Stupid."

That's me.
You never know what I might do.
Well, I never know.
You might.
Seeing as how everyone knows me,
And I'm so predictable.
Good for you.
Pat yourself on the back
For understanding the predictable girl.
Excuse me while I go do something predictable,
And try to wipe everything out of my mind.
And you know what?
Fuck you,
Whoever you are...
I'm not really sure yet, but there are a couple of you.
And of course they are the ones
Who won't ever see these words...
But what the hell?
I just really wanted to say it.
Get it out of my system.
Fuck you.

PS> Holly,
If you read that one,
I'm sorry.
I'm not proud of myself,
But for the first time in a while I don't care.
And I wasn't talking to you.
And It wasn't your fault.
You helped me a lot today.
I missed you.
And besides,
I was bound to be depressed today.
It's been a week, today...

Waiting..

Bored bored BORED!!
I'm so bored..
I wanna go play games.
I wanna kill things!
[Call of Duty 4]
Call me Luke!
Gah!!
I'm about to leave anyways...
If he doesn't hurry up and call me..
Well I'll go anyways.
Need to shoot things.
Need to see the friendly faces of my friends.
Need to see Luke.
And Daely.
And Kyla and Vittoria and Buck and
Emily and That One Guy...
Uh.. Daniel, I think.
Yeah.
I guess I'll get off my butt and go, then..

Writer's block.

Now tell me why it is
That I can pull that shit
Out of my ass
But can't get my own novel started?
Damnit.
She's counting on me to start this.. but....
I don't know if I have what it takes.
When do I ever?
I'm not particularly good at any one thing.
I'm just a passing artist.
A barely listenable vocalist/musician.
I don't hurt your eyes to look at me but...
Beautiful is not the word.
Just once I want to start something,
Not quit,
And succeed.
And be really really good.
Why can't I have my dreams too?
Why must I always find myself stuck..

Loved and lost.

He thinks I'm mad.
Thinks I'm angry.
I'm not angry.
Well,
Maybe a little.
But not at him.
I'm angry
Because I let myself get involved.
Get attached.
Get trampled.
Not by him but by my emotions.
I let myself get caught up in a fantasy.
Something I thought was worth dreaming about.
Something I could hold onto.
Well,
It was a nice dream.
But the thing about dreams,
Is that eventually,
You have to wake up.
I had to wake up.
And even though it was his idea
To blow the whistle on the whole thing
I don't think he has.

I can't stand to hear his voice.
It's not the same as it was.
In fact,
It's worse.
Much much worse.
When we were just friends before,
We had no history.
But now,
Now we have six months of it.
And I can't stand to hear his voice.
Especially not when he says those words.
Those three words.
The three lil tiny ones that..
For lack of a better phrase,
Pack a punch.
He's just not allowed to say that anymore.
He's just not.
I mean,
How do you,
In essence,
Tell someone you don't want them bad enough
To be with them,
And then profess your love?
No.
You can't do that.
I was a wreck yesterday.
It ruined me for two days.

All I wanted was him.
Totally and completely.
And what he gave me were words.
Not promises exactly,
But hope.
Hope I told him I wanted no part of.
And yet he insisted.
Insisted there was hope.
For the both of us.
Together.

And now it's gone.
And he just doesn't understand what it's done.
What it's done to me.
He doesn't lose anything.
He still has me as a friend.
As there as I ever was before.
But he can't have my heart.
Not right now.
It is too broken.
I need to keep it locked up for a while.
I'm on the edge of jumping into a deep, black puddle.
A deep, black, endless puddle.
One with no edge
No depth.
No beginnning
And no end.
I want to crawl back into my hole.
My safe lil hole.
My dark, depressing yet safe, lil hole.
I want to hide there.
I can't stand to hear his voice.
It hurts too much.
He just doesn't understand the magnitude.
What exactly he has done.
What he has done by refusing to do.... Anything.

He spoke to my heart.
He caressed it and said loving things to it.
He told it it was worth while
And that he would always love it.
That he would wait for it,
As long as it takes.
And then without realizing it
He slowly grabbed hold of it
Lifted it above his head
And smashed it on the ground.
You know how long it takes
To clean up that sort of mess?
How much energy is required?
I have had to slowly stitch it together
Piece by piece.
And it's still not whole.
No where near.
I have to protect it.
Shield it.
Hide it.

And then he says those words.
Like nothing has happened.
As though my heart can handle it.
Like this is any other day less than a week ago.
But it's not.
And he says those words...
And when he does,
All my work.
All the mending and careful attention
That I payed to myself all
Gets thrown down the dispose-all.
Crushed and torn and shredded.
That's how I felt when we had hung up.
And then I was barricaded again.
The walls went up.
Those trusty impenetrable walls.

And he still doesn't understand.
I want him to love me.
I do.
That's all I want.
I was even thinking up crazy schemes
To make it possible.
I even considered going back to before.
I considered doing this half time thing.
I wanted him to prove it.
To fight for it.
To want to be with me so bad it... hurts.
The way it did me.
But he can't.
Because he doesn't.
Not the way he thinks he does.
If he did
He would tell me:
In person.

And I can't make him love me.
And I wouldn't want to.
If he doesn't feel it now
He never will.

So now I guess I just wait.
Wait for him to figure it out.
To move on.
So I can.

Because as ridiculous as it is
As long as he hasn't completely rejected me
My stupid heart wants to believe
More than anything
That any moment now
He will call me
Tell me it was a big mistake
That he wants me more than anything
That he's coming
Or on his way
Or here already.
He will cry or beg or plead or just say
"Baby I need you. I know that now."
That he will mean it.
That he will need me.
I need him to need me.

But see that's insane.
I know he doesn't need me.
I know it's not going to happen that way.
Those wishes are the stuff of fairy tales.
And this is not one.
It could have been...
But it's just not.
Who am I kidding.
This is my life.
Those things don't happen to me.
They just don't.
I'm a spectator.
I watch while life happens to others.
Good things and bad.
But life all the same.
While it passes me by.
It seems to know I don't want what it offers.
And yet,
That's all I want.
Is it true?
That's it's better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all...?
I'll let you know in a couple years.
When I think back on this
And still feel that familiar ripping inside.
I'll let you know.

Fact and fiction..

Fact:
I am a whiny bitch!
Fiction:
I'm going to find a bus ticket somewhere and just see.
Fact:
I am a whiny bitch!
Fiction:
I was good enough for him.
Fact:
I don't want anything to do with weed.
Fiction:
I love to be left alone!
[Oh kay maybe that should go under both categories..]
Fact:
I'm a whiny bitch!
Fiction:
I have boys just lined up. And I'm glad!
Fact:
I deserve someone better.
Fiction:
I deserve someone better.
Fact:
He deserves someone better.

The list could go on and on..
I woke up this morning realized that I felt..
I dunno what.
It wasn't deep throbbing pain tho,
For some reason.
It's probably my defense mechanism saving me.
And convincing me I've moved on already.
I love myself for it,
Really I do,
But I need to find out if it's true or not..

That's where the brainstorming comes in..
Everything involves money.
I can't find out for sure over the phone.
I could see if I care about him but..
Not the other way 'round.
And it wouldn't be a true indication.
I have to see him.
I don't see that happening soon really.
Especially since he's not willing to.
Whatever.

Fact:
We're both whiny bitches.
Fiction:
He'll come back to me.
I know he will.
Yeah.
Sure.

The facts...

Oh kay so I thought it only fair
That I set the record straight.
Even if only for myself
So I don't grow angry and bitter and old.
And so my friend doesn't start
Scaring people into witness protection.
Yesh she's crazy but I lov'er!

Oh kay.
So here they are,
The facts.
Phone call.
Lightweight conversation.
Conversation turned heavy fast.
Heavy turned "What if?"
What if we took a break.
What if we waited.
Chilled til after school.
What if we're rushing.
I can't leave now I know I can't.
[That wasn't me]
What if you came here.
What if we just get our lives sorted out first.
What if we try again later.
What if we made a mistake maybe?
[That part was in my head.
I thought that's what he was thinking..]
And what if turned to
Him-"I want this to be a mutual decision.
I don't want any heart break."
Me-"That can't be avoided."
Him-"I know."
And then
Him-"We aren't breaking up,
We're just taking a break.."
And
Him-"Hey you're still technically my girlfriend."
Me-"No. I'm not. I'm just here
Until you decide you want me again.."
Him-"............."
[That was silence.]
Then there was the bit about
Him trying to get me to accept a
Christmas present
And what did I want it to be..
And then me saying
I'm sorry I have to go
And hanging up because
I couldn't hold it in any longer..
Thus the earlier blog.

So there are the facts.
Anna,
No bodily harm?
He is a sweet guy.
And I still love him.
It's not his fault.
And I'm not angry.
Not really.
I'm actually very proud of him.
He did what he believes he has to do
To get his life straight and to be
"Fixed"

Somehow I forgot to mention to him
That he shouldn't try and go it alone...
But I think I would hate myself if I had.
I mean seriously.
Aren't I doing enough sniveling and whining
and pouting and sobbing online?
Yeah...
No trickery.
No "But baby I love I can help you wah wah wah!"
Yeah..
He doesn't need that.
It's all true but,
He doesn't need that.
He needs me to support him and..
Not sound different.
Well I'll try babe, really I will..
But I can't guarantee the not different part.
Not for a while.
Not while it still hurts.
And now it gets redundant..

But Hey!
Maybe someday I won't be so pathetic
That I have to write five blogs
About my ex
In one day!
Oh,
There is something to look forward to......

Different..

He said I sound different.
Not like my usual self.
She says I'm taking it out on her.
Says what I had was real,
Unlike her.
Hmm..
Yes,
I sound different.
No,
I'm not taking it out on you.
You my best friend
Who I care about above even the man I love..
No.
I'm not taking it out on you.
You are kicking yourself because you know how I feel.
And you know I'm right.
And you know that it's your choices that keep you from this.
This beautiful pain I'm in.
It's still better,
I think,
Than the pain of not knowing real love at all..
And I'm not really mad.
I'm not mad at boy.
And I'm not mad at best friend..
I'm just hurt.
And taking my mind off of it.. well...
It isn't going to happen.
No matter what.
And it took me all day to finally stop lying to myself
That it would.
I acted like I didn't want to think about it..
When really that was the only thing I thought about.
Scenario after scenario..
And then he called a bit ago.
Yeah.
I sound different.
I don't sound like my normal self.
Well, my normal, that is.
Yeah I don't sound like.. Me.
Cuz half of me is missing.
And I don't know if I'll ever get her back..

How stupid would it be to try and get a bus ticket?
Like One-Way?
Like to say.. Hmm.. The Tri-Cities Washington?
When is it doing something stupid for a boy..
And following your heart?
Would he have me?
Or was this his kind, sweet way of telling me
We really were insane to even try,
That it was a nice thought,
A nice memory,
A nice try.
But not what is meant to be..

My sister.
My wonderful, dear, loving sister..
Well,
She told me "Don't make your decision because of a boy."
Didn't she move to Washington for a boy?
Granted they were engaged..
Beside the point!
Ah!
How is it I just heard his voice in my head telling me
"It is the point."
He used to always tell me that.
Whenever I said it was beside the point,
Whatever the point was,
That's what he would tell me....

I had a sickly fascinating fight with myself today.
Sickly, being the key word.
Sickly.
Sick.
I'm sick.
I haven't been to school since Monday..
But I think I feel worse just above my stomach,
In my heart,
In my head.
So,
That fight I was talking about?
Yeah.
Lemme see if I can re-cap properly..
Hmm...
"You know you're relieved"
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are. It's what you wanted.
You just didn't know how to make it happen without
Hurting him."
"That's not true!"
It's not it's not true it's not!"
"Yes it is. You're already thinking how nice it would be
To have a boyfriend who can actually hold you.
Kiss you.
Tell you you're beautiful cuz he thinks so."
"No! I love him! I do!"
"Yeah... But are you in love with him?"
"Yes! Yes yes I am! I am!
Right?
Yes Damnit I do!"
Yeah..
It went on like that for hours..
Never really ended actually.
Let me just point out something:
Don't walk along a busy street
While fighting with your inner self.
It's not really a good idea.
Yeah, No.
Just take it from me.
Kay?
Kay!

Hmm... I believe my rambling has gotten
Worse this time 'round..
Yeah?
I think so.

Hmm..
How do girls just say
"I don't want to be pregnant anymore."?
It doesn't really work that way.
Don't ask how I got off on this subject cuz,
Believe it or not it's from One Tree Hill.
Yes,
I'm watching One Tree Hill.
And Uh,
Brooke just decided she can't
Be pregnant.
Wow.
This is true rant worthy material.
The whole concept of abortion
Is one that disgusts me!
It's murder in it's purest form.
Truly, it is.
On a slightly different note,
How do you convince someone
Who's parents tried to abort them
That they really are worth loving?
That you love them.
Because I still do.
Hmm.. A bus ticket sounds awfully nice..
But I can't just run away from my life, can I?
I wouldn't have anywhere to go.
I'm not afraid.
I am but, I could do it to be with him but..
He couldn't.
Does that mean he doesn't love me enough?
No.. It doesn't.
It just means.. What?
We rushed things.
We aren't meant for each other.
He loves his home too much to leave.
He... Uh... Damnit.
I dunno.
I'm making this up as I go along I suppose.
This is just me being crazy and
Wishing things were different.
Wishing there was something I could do.
I could help him, if he would let me.
But he won't.
He can't.
I love him so much.
And he loves me but...
His fear is stronger I suppose.
And that means..
That means what?

Is this when I figure out
If I'm gonna be strong for him?
Or for me?
And which is which?
Where does one begin and the other end?
I guess it's just me being here and..
Staying here and..
Moving on and..
Letting him be.
And trying not to sound...
Disappointed and
Heartbroken and
Lonely and
Afraid and...
Different.

Oh wow.
My best friend thinks she's worthless.
Great!
Could I fail any more?
No.
I don't think I could.
Yeah.
I've hit the bottom.
Yay me!
Lost my boyfriend and best friend
In 24 hours.
Yeah.
I rock.
GO ME!!
Uh huh...

Guess it's a good thing no one reads this..
Wouldn't want anyone to think I'm..
Different.
Ha!
Sorry I just couldn't resist..
Of course I'm different.
I pride myself in that.
I just never.. Well..
Recently I didn't really believe I'd end up alone.
And now I will.
I have.
Three cheers for me.
I'm such a winner.

It's real...

Well I realized this morning
That this is really happening.
He hasn't called,
Hasn't taken anything back like before..
He's serious.
This is it.
And, wow, it's my fault...
And I wasn't even the one that said those words..
I wonder if he remembers,
I was the one who said before,
"I want this to be a mutual decision.."
Those were my words..
He stole them last night.
Word for word.
And I let him.
Damnit!
Fight for it?
Fight for it?
How do you fight,
When you know he doesn't want you to?
I wanted to.
With all I had.
I wanted to.....

Back to the beginning..

I'm single again.
I guess I'm back to the beginning..
Somehow it feels harder this time.
Before,
It was just my life..
Now,
I don't know how to be this anymore....

He's right..

He's right.
I can't take this.
I can't handle this...
I did break down.
Am in the process of breaking down..
That was the first time
I have ever had to literally hang up the phone
because I couldn't control my sobbing..
I can't even control it now.
Babe,
for your sake and mine,
I hope you don't read this one.
Maybe I shouldn't have told you there were more..
I don't know.
All I know is...
Well,
That you have to do what you need to do.
I already know what I need.
I need you.
And now,
I'm just broken..
I know that's not what you meant to happen.
And it's not even your fault.
I just hurt.
All inside and outside..
I go through stages of numbness,
of "No it's not true this isn't happening!"
But mostly,
I'm just hurting..
I love you so much.
I really do.
And...
I can't even think about thinking about anyone else.
Damnit.
I'm sorry!
I'm so so sorry!
I'm such a mess..
I should be supporting this!
I need to be happy for you..
Getting things straight and working out your life..
Trying to make things right..
For you and me and the future us..
If there is one.
Will there be a future us?
Do you want that?
Why does it feel like I've just lost you...
Was this one of those times
when I'm supposed to fight back?
I mean... You did.
That one night..
You did.
You said you love me and.. you'd do anything..
Wait as long as it takes...
And now,
I'm the one waiting.
And I don't know.. I don't know how long..
How long I'll be waiting..
Or if I should..
Maybe I should move on with myself..
Not anyone else but..
You know I've always been better off alone..
It's just how I am.
I'll be fine.
Don't worry.
Be happy.
You know I'll be here if you need me.
When you need me.
Probably even when you call tomorrow
or the next day.
Just don't expect my heart to be there right away..
It might not be back for a while..
It might need some time..
It might need to do a little bit
of sitting alone and healing..
Like I'm doing now.
I know I'm not done crying over you yet..
But maybe eventually I will be.
Maybe.
Probably not.
But that's not what I'm going to tell you.
What I'm going to tell you is...
Just that I'm oh kay.
And I will be oh kay.
And you should be too.
Oh kay?
Just do me a favor?
Do what you have to do
And don't be afraid of maybe moving on..
Cuz I think you will..
I know you will always love me.
Just like you will always love Angela.
But you aren't with her are you?
Just know that I'll always love you too.
Because I will.
And I'm sorry if the spelling is all wrong..
I can't really see what I'm typing..................... . . . . .