indieVISUAL Journal Challenge

The title just about says it all.
I'm thrusting my abilities,
[or quirky-misguided thoughts, whichever]
into a new project.
One that is not so pathetic and American.

God Bless America.
But I think I shall broaden my horizons a bit,
considering that we don't have much going on right now.
Seriously.
Have you ever seen a country so divided?
Our country needs prayer.
So if you're doing that, keep it up,
and if not, please start.
You don't even have to be from the US.
God hears everyone, obviously.

Anyhoooooo,
Starting in 2010 I'm going to do a visual blog post
every
single
day.
Hopefully I don't forget day one
and make it past day two.
I'm not positive if this will take place on blogger
or if I'll post it on my tumblr,
[Yes, I have both.]
Or both!
I'm not sure.
But I have about two days to decide.
Wish me,
[And everyone else,]
much luck and success!
Also,
if you are curious or want to do this yourself,
visit http://indievisualjournal.blogspot.com/ ...
That's where you get started.

Also also,
I originally heard of doing this from Charlie McDonell.
Not personally, but I've recently started following him.
On the internet.
Alrighty, that sounds stalkerish.
Hokay.
YouTube.com/Charlie
Charlie2010.tumblr.com

Because apparently I've forgotten
how to write html links. D:

So Brown Eyes, I'll Hold You Near, 'Cause You're The Only Song I Want To Hear.

-Death Cab for Cutie.- |^|

I've been thinking today,
despite my efforts not to.
Last night I almost succeeded in not thinking.
I've been playing around on Facebook like mad.
It takes some brain power.
And then knit-looming takes some space in my brain, as well.
But today it isn't working.

It's so strange.
I was reading some of my old blog posts today.
I do that every now and again.
It's interesting to see how I have changed
and how I have not.
How circumstances change.
All the memories.
I've had some pretty powerful emotions.
I blogged all the way through my first real boyfriend,
and through my second,
and now through the things I'm realizing lately.
Or rather, the things I'm admitting.
I've always realized many things,
but wouldn't look them square in the face.

I have been so.. Insecure.
And so lonely.
I found my first boyfriend and latched on
because I thought
"Here is someone who needs me, who wants me."
With my second I was overwhelmed and freaking out all the time.
The happy phase really only lasted so long.
Or maybe it's just that the scary things are more vivid memories.
I'm not really sure.
Now I find myself looking at people as they pass me.
Guys who are fairly easy to read.
Girls who are fake.
People with walls.
People with masks.
I think that very few of them are happy.
But some are happy.
I think I can finally rejoice in that.
Not be entirely jealous of someone else's happiness.
There will always be some jealousy, I think.
Until I can let myself be happy.
I think I relish pain, in some way.
I'm a bit masochistic.
It's hard not to love something
even if it is the most acute source of pain.

The thing that I've noticed
is that I will only ever be happy
[As a couple]
with one person.
I've decided this, because I believe in monogamy,
obviously, and because
I believe that I know who that one person is.
Now, I look at the opposite sex,
and every time I'm slightly more disappointed.
I don't know them, but I know who they aren't.
It's worse, when I see a trait that is so similar,
and still. Just. Not.
Coming to the realization that I know who I belong with
has a crippling affect.
I can't believe in dating anymore.
Isn't the whole point to find your mate or a lover?
I can't have boyfriends anymore.
I can't have frivolous relationships
because I'd feel like a fraud.
How dare I?

And then there is that strange romantic thought.
The "Ever since the first time I saw her..." statement.
I know I will never have that.
It is me that has that feeling, not the other way around.
I know that I will always be some sort of after-thought
even if I am the most-loved after-thought in the world.

He will be home soon.
Amy, they will all be home and they will be so close.
They might as well be in Keno,
for all the weight it carries with me.
He will be home soon.
But it is of no consequence to me.
I am only useful for a moment,
and once I am no longer needed
I might as well be a fruit fly or a mosquito.
[Depending on the level of annoyance.]

Mum says words have power.
I believe this.
It's in the Bible, somewhere.
But that doesn't mean I should live my life
taking claim to things that might never happen.
It's too.. Stalkerish.
Ew.
It is best for me to keep my mouth shut,
which is what I've begun to do.
So I write instead.
I can write more freely than I could speak, anyway.
Speaking things makes them too real.
It makes them.. not just mine anymore.
I guess the scariest part is that I could be wrong.
I am human and thus make constant error.
I believe with all my heart that I am not mistaken.
I believe it with my mind.
I see how I have compared.
How I have judged.
How I have only really wished for one thing,
even when I could not admit it to myself.
The one thing that seemed the most impossible.
And that one thing needed me.
For just a day, I was needed.
It was like I had him back, for just minute.
And then he was gone again.
But he is coming home.
It means nothing.

I write about boy because..
I hope that it will help me not to think of him.
Because I feel like such a silly girl.
A very serious, silly girl, if that makes sense.
I have always prided myself in not being shallow.
In not being a typical girl who swoons so often.
Who fills her journal with boys.
Boys that she loves anew every other day.
But.. Maybe I am just that bad.
The boy.
And all the others I used to try to forget him.
Oh.
That is horrible.
I've used.. More than just my ex's.
I don't know if I realized what I was doing..
But that doesn't make it any better.
I'm a user.
No wonder I can't seem to stay happy for long.
I'm just like those other girls.
I do what I need to do to get what I want.
Except, I'm not good at it.
It hasn't worked, obviously.
At least I have resolved to stop.
I can't keep it up, anyway.
It's such a thin plastic pleasure that doesn't last.
I need something real.
I think this is why God hasn't
allowed me to have what I want.
He knows I have put too much stock in it.
I need to be happy being alone.
But how do I do that when I'm missing half of myself
and that half is struggling through things I can't take away?
I want to help.
I want to be completed again.
Not me, but the package.
It's so confusing.
You don't need a man to be happy.
But God created us that way,
so that the two could become one.
Perhaps I'm mistaking pain for unhappiness.
I really have a wonderful life, friends, and family.
I am happy most of the time,
and I don't seek approval from the opposite sex.
Perhaps it's the link between us that is causing
these intense emotions that
I have managed so suppress until recently.
I hate feeling helpless.
I hate feeling hopeless.
[Only in that aspect, the rest of my life is perfect.]
I hate feeling like I'm being toyed with.
And like I'll never get to that path in my destiny
that leads to the most perfect thing that ever existed.
I need to stop.
I'ma go take a shower
and do something about the low blood sugar.

..In your head, Zombie.. - Cranberries.

No One Expects You To Get Up.

I'm listening to Pandora.
It's my Muse station.
It was playing Little House, by The Fray.
Thus the title up there |^|

So the other morning my mum told me something interesting.
It was interesting to me, anyhow.
So, she has been sleeping with me
in my room for a few weeks because
I have a huge bed and her room just hasn't come together yet.
[We just moved in recently.]
Well.. She's a mum, so if her babies made weird noises
when they slept she always noticed, ya know?
Well, apparently when I sleep I stop breathing.
Not permanently, obviously, else I wouldn't be alive.
But every few seconds, for a few seconds, I don't breathe.
I stop.. And then start.. Then stop.. Then start.
And it doesn't wake me up!
It's so strange.
And I'm still alive.. So I know I'm not dying, ya know?
But.. I could, I guess.
You never know.
Tonight or tomorrow night could be my last night.
Last night could have been, but it wasn't.
What I'm saying is, that I have numbered days.
The only days that are certain are the ones God gives me.
Each and every day.
And when He decides I am not needed here anymore,
or when I've strayed so far from the path
that He must take me or risk my soul... Well..
I hope it doesn't happen that way.
But you know, it puts things in perspective, sorta.
I think about how life has been so screwed up.
How God has brought me through it all.
How loved I am.
And how I've loved..
I haven't been a good friend, sister, or daughter.
I have a hard time talking to my dad,
because he doesn't contact me unless he needs something.
I miss my sister so much.
I hate that she moved away.
But I want her to be happy.
I want her to live and not look back and not regret anything.
I miss my best friend.
She is in her senior year, and she's in love.
I may never have the same relationship with her again
as I did before she met her boyfriend, but I love her
as much as the most precious members of my family.
I haven't always treated her properly.
In fact, on more than one instance I traded her love
for the thought of love from a boy.
I loved that boy so much.
He was also my good good friend.
He talked to me, trusted me,
and went through unnecessary pain for me.
And I shall never love another like I did him.
My ex-boyfriends knew this,
despite my trying to hide it,
and I feel bad about that.
But there's nothing I can do.
I talked to said boy a couple of weeks ago.
It was nice.
But it wasn't the same.
We aren't friends anymore.
We aren't kids anymore.
And he has moved on.
I missed chances and opportunities with him
because I was jealous, and petty, and didn't
believe that I had value or was good enough for him.
But I was.
God doesn't make mistakes.
People are born how, when, and with whom,
exactly how they are supposed to be.
I have made mistakes.
I can't take any of them back.
I regret them, and I wish that I could have
learned the things I know now
without having screwed up so horribly.
But there is nothing I can do now.
I pray for boy, and he will be fine.
Someday, he'll do what he loves,
he'll go back to God, and maybe he'll get married.
I may not be wearing the white dress,
I may not be there,
I may not even be alive,
but I will love him all the same.
I'm happy, I think, with myself
and with my decisions right now.
I love my friends, my mum, and they need me.
Someone needs me,
and that's what I'm really here for, isn't it?
As soon as I start living life for me again..
That's when things will go wrong.
Because I have to be careful that I want my destiny,
and not just what I want.
And destiny is so much bigger.
It's bigger than my music.
It's bigger than my friends and family.
It's bigger than my jealousy and pain.
It's bigger than my love for boy.
No matter how much I want...
It's not important.
What I want is not important.
This blog reminds me of destiny,
because no one really reads it.
I have the link for it posted on all of the social networks,
but the only times I have gotten readers
was when they said something I needed.
Boy will probably never read this,
and if he does, he might not know it's about him.
But if he reads it, there will be a reason.
There is hope for that, you know?
For me, there is hope.
But only if it's right.
Because I want boy to be where he's supposed to be.
I want him to be where he belongs.
I want nothing to be wasted.
He has so much inside of him.
So I'll continue living, for who knows how long,
until God is done with me, and pray.
Because that is why I'm here.
If only it were as simple as all of that.

Our Time Is Running Out - Muse

We Live in a Beautiful World.

You know, life is full of possibilities.
And blogging is very self absorbed.
If that means I shant be doing it anymore,
I'm not really sure.
I am thinking that I am sick of my whining.
Again.
Yes, I know I have said these things before,
"but this time it's different!"
Ugh.
No, it's not, I've just decided that I need to be a better person.
I need to be the best person I can
in order to reach my full potential.
I do not believe that it is true
that one must have a rather large ego
in order to be an accomplished artist.
Well.. I am rather arrogant,
but I work on fixing that every day.
So, I will be an accomplished artist
and a good person.
Or.. I shall try.
Yes.
I want my friends to know how much I love them.
I wouldn't be able to live without them.
Love is, well.. Every artist needs their muse, right?
I have found mine.
Love.

Finals. Woot.

I am procrastinating today.
That's what I'm doing.
Yep.
Which means I'm doing a whole lot
of absolutely nothing.
It's epic.
So no History final.. I'll do my art final.
How could I not?
But history..
Fifty percent is a good grade, right?
Yeah?
I'm on myspace, facebook, gaia, and this
all at the same time.
I'm so thirsty...
Ack!
I suppose I'll go work on my History final..
Why?
I can't believe I'm gonna do this again next term.
Who really needs Eastern Civ?
I can't really complain tho.
I'm gonna take a computer concepts class.
Haha, it's almost cheating
how easy that class is gonna be.
Let's learn to understand our computers!
Beee the computer!
Remember: Be the Computer!
Ahhaha! :D
Yes.. Well..
I should prolly gooooo.. Look at..
Something shiny... Ooover there!

God I love this.
Blogging is like talking to myself,
but on the INTERNET!
Woot!
In all honesty the conversations
I have with my self are much more interesting.
I argue.
Yes.
I do.
YES. I. DO.
xD

What the heck man.

Yar!
Me facebook be set to pirate!
Down t' davey jone's wit ya!

Hehehe :D

I'm a lil hyper..
I'm trying to be happy..
Just ignore all the stuff that I've been dealing with today.
Just.. Let it go for a few minutes.
I have take-home finals to.. Do.
I'm procrastinating hard core right now.
I'm even talking to my ex-boyfriend..
About serious stuff.
About... Feelings.
Ick.
What's wrong with me.

I have realized that I sabotage relationships.
I can't seem to be in a healthy, regular, relationship
with a guy.
It's really strange.
But now that I know this,
maybe I'll do something about it.
Maybe I'll start dating, or something.
Ick!
Umm.. maybe not.
Oh kay..
Let's take this slowly.
Let's just start with me blogging again.
After all.. My last entry was from last Spring..
When I still had a boyfriend..
And I totally foresaw what would happen.
We aren't together anymore,
in case you hadn't gathered.
I'm in college now.
I'm talking to a pretty big local band
about doing lead vocals.
I'm trying to point my life in some direction.
I just have to forget about being lonely.
Convince myself that I'm not.
God, I'm such a whiner.
Ick.
No wonder I'm single.
Gross.
I be a saucy wench!
Yarrrr!

Up and Down.

I haven't done this in a while.
And my journal..
My poor lil robot journal
[no joke, it has metallic robots on the cover<3]
Well.. It's been a bit neglected lately.

Just so much has been happening
That I scarcely understand it all.
I barely believe I'm living through all of this..
How am I supposed to write it down
When I'm this far behind?
Where do I start?

I've been so confused about everything lately.
I've been so close to breaking for a while now.
I thought I was fine.
You know?
Thought I was strong.
Honestly had myself convinced I didn't have problems,
Things don't affect me.

It's a lie.
I've been bottling.
And it's brought me to the consequences.
I've been up and down,
Up and down.
Down and up.
Upside down and sideways, rather.
I'm getting everything all mixed up.
And the worse part is that
It's hindering my ability to be there for my friends.
To REALLY be there.

Especially my boyfriend.
I've really started letting him slip through the cracks.
I don't mean to.
I just.. He..
He can read me fairly well.
He knows when something is up and..
I just don't want to drag him down.
I don't want to worry him over things like
My issues at home.
Or conversations with my ex.
Or questions I'm asking about my faith.
My beliefs.
Especially now.
Now that he's trying to change his direction.
Getting his life on a new track.
I don't want to be his weight.
And I think I am.
I saw it tonight.
He's so worried about making my day..
About taking all my cares away..
About being there for me..
I just don't want to
Be a cog in his wheel.

I've felt like such a hypocrite.
I thought I lost him for a while there..
My feelings changed.
And then he was back and..
They didn't return to the way they were..
Before.
I don't understand.
I still care about him so much.
I still want to be here for him.
I don't want to just break when I have a problem.
If we have problems.
I just..
I want to make sure my feelings weren't a lie.
That I wasn't attracted to him solely because he's better.
because he is better.
Infinitely.
And if not before,
Tonight in itself showed me that
He's willing to go an extra ten thousand miles
Just to be that one for me.
Be there for me all around.
Make me feel happy and safe.

I want to be the same for him.
I've just been so wrapped up
In the trappings of it all.
Started feeling closed in and scared.
I don't want to hurt him,
But I know that I will.
Whether a smallish-large amount
Or a huge amount,
I couldn't say.
I just know it will happen.
And I know it will be me.
And I hate that.
I'm not worthy.
I'm too far... Gone.
Stuck.
I'm one of those recurring problems.
I don't need to be the death of his heart.

I actually blew up on him today.
For something insignificant.
Something I should have shrugged off..
And I tried.
But to try means to fail.
And I did.
I blew up.
And I just can't understand
How I can treat him that way.
I don't like it.
I hate it.
I want it to stop.
I want him to run far away from me,
And never look back.
I want his life to bring him happiness.
I will only kill that life,
Whatever is left in him.
Whatever new hope is budding in his heart.
I will kill it.
And it will be worse than how I found it.
Oh please, God, no.
Not that.

Overly dramatic?
Maybe.
I don't think so.
And my journal wouldn't either,
If I wasn't so afraid to open the damn thing.
So I'm back to the beginning.
Barely explaining.
Barely understanding.
Barely starting.




Side Note:

I'M GETTING MY COMPY FIXED!!
[On Friday night.]
Teach it to try committing suicide again.
Huh!

Theory.

I'm working on a new concept.
Well.
Not exactly new.
Just.. Sort of.

I'm thinking about judging.
And I'm thinking about evaluating.
I hate it when people are judgmental.
I hate it with a passion, almost.

I think..
I need to stop being a fucking hypocrite
And give everyone else the chance I want.
Damn it all.
People change..
People have bad days.
People need people.
Soo..
I need to realize other people
Are just people
Also.
It isn't just me.

Yeahhh..
SO this is my lil life revision.
If I am a bitch for no reason,
Slap me.
I won't be one of those friends
that My Friends have to apologize for..
Sorry about that Fred.. She's not usually like this.
Nope.
I'm not going to be like that.
I'ma be a real person for once.
Live a little.
Chill out and stop caring.
What happened a couple years ago should stay there..

Soooo..
You wanna hang out?
Get to know each other again??
I'm willing to bet we've both changed a lot....

Untouched - The Veronicas

Thursday. [February 19th] <3

I suppose this is the
Blog That Can Never Be.
I'm not sure why, yet, though..
I don't like it.
It feels like I'm hiding.
Feels like I'm lying.
Being selective..
We haven't really been thus far..
Why must I be now?
It feels all wrong.
My hopes and dreams are starting to form..
Starting to come true.
The things..
Or rather the someone I desire..
And now I have it.
Him.
He's mine.
It's crazy!
So hard to believe..
And yet, tangible!
Every time I see him..
Feel him..
Hear his voice..
The things he says..
The look in his eyes when they meet mine..
How is it possible?
I don't know.
And for once
I think I don't WANT to know.
I would like to just be happy.
Just this once.
Can I do that?
Can I have this?
Just this once?

As far as I'm concerned
February 19th, 2009
Was the day God answered my prayers. <3

Overdose Maybe? [:

Alright..
I know this is my third one of the... Morning.
Haha!
Ahh.. It's morning already!
Silly me!
Anyways..

I know this is the third one in a row..
But I just keep thinking!
I can't turn it off..

I just read through all my previous posts.
There are kind of a lot of them.
Like, masses.
It's crazy.
I can be so passionate.
I COULD be so passionate.
I'm sure I still am..
But mostly lately I'm just dramatic.

I wrote so many blogs to/about
My ex boyfriend.
It's crazy.
I thought I was totally in love with him.
I know I loved him.
But I also know that we weren't meant for more.
I miss him.
I miss talking to him.
But somehow it just isn't the same anymore.
He's going to Tennessee after all..
It's so strange.
Our whole plan..
He could have been with me..
Now he has to go there.
It isn't the same.. Hmm..
The thing is,
I know that I can't be the same with him.
I know that I have to guard myself.
I know that he isn't mine.
And he needs to know that.
I can't let him believe he has a chance at love.
A chance with me, that is.
He will have the right kind.. Some day.
That is, if he allows it to happen.
I was reading all those old blogs
And realizing how unhealthy the whole thing was.
I learned a lot, it's true,
But it's a good thing it's over.

I just really hate that it's February.
I'm not sure why I care..
I guess because..
Despite it all I desire that perfect love.
That one that goes together.
That one that God puts together.
I want to be with someone.
I know it's all timing but..
I'm so tired of waiting.
How strange is it for an 18 year-old
To want this?
I'm not asking for marriage right away..
But something that will lead there..
Well, that would be nice.

And I know it's silly,
But I want to be the girl that gets roses.
I want to go for walks in the middle the night
Or sit on a blanket in the grass
Just to be with that one person.
Just to be.
I want that.
And Valentine's Day just reminds me.
It just reminds me that people are buying things.
That it's not the things I want
That some people are using it as an excuse to get laid.
That it's over-commercialized.
I know all that..
It's just a nice thought.
It's a nice thing to think about.
Love and kisses and hugs and sweet things.
Not even things.
Just thoughts.
A look in that sweet, sweet boy's eyes.
That one that tells you everything.
I got a different look tonight..
I got the look that says all of the above..
That said all of that doesn't exist.
Somehow.. I have to believe that it does.
I just have to.

I'm not being the most eloquent tonight.
I just think I'm all thunk out.
Haha!
Imagine that.. Thinking on an empty tank!
I need to go to sleep..
I have to get up tomorrow.
Ha!
Yeah.. As opposed to the days I don't get up?
Yeah I know.. Verrrry funny!
Well.. I thought it was.
And Luke seemed to, as well.

I know it was a joke earlier..
That book: Pregnancy for Dummies.
But.. I'm so glad I'm not a teen mummy.
I'm so glad I'm not alone and scared
With a baby growing inside me.
I know I'll be a mum someday,
If it's what God has for me,
But I want it to be the right way..
Married and in love..
I feel so bad for all those little girls..
Little girls that have to raise a child.
Children raising children.
It's sad, really.
Feeling unloved and unwanted and unworthy.
My life is good, really.
I need to remember that.

Thank You.

I just went back through
And read all my previous posts.
Every.
Single.
Last.
One.
Yeah it took an hour or so.. Ha!
Uhh..

I just wanted to take a minute or two
To thank the people who left comments.
I don't know how I missed them before..
My wonderful, amazing, beautiful sister.
I love you more than life itself.
I miss you so much.
I know you are still there for me.
I hope you know I'm here for you too.
We have been through so much..
I hope I can make you proud of me..
I hope I'm not just a stupid kid to you anymore.

Dad and Carrie..
Thanks.
I love you guys so much.
It was amazing seeing you.
I hope everything is going well..
What with raising money and being missionaries.
I'm so glad that you're where God wants you,
Even if it means I don't see you every week.
I hope Nick knows I love him too..
If he remembers me..
I'll always remember him, and you.
I'll always love you guys.
You truly helped me see sides of God
That I hadn't before..
You taught me not to look to men..
But to my Heavenly Father.
Somehow it's always different
When you hear it from someone other than your mum! [:
Haha!
My prayers are with you.

Commonplace.

Is it just me..
Or is almost everyone "Bi"?
Yeah..
That's what I thought.
It seems to me the whole thing
Has turned into some kind of trend.
Being attracted to another girl,
Kissing another girl,
Maybe getting horny cuz of one,
Does not necessarily make you bi or les.
It's true.
[I say girl because I am one
But it applies to both sexes, obviously.]
Experimenting is one thing...
But I just can't understand having a long-term relationship
With someone of the same sex.
Maybe it's just me.
I mean,
Leaving religion out of the whole thing,
It just doesn't work.
Guy on guy.
Girl on girl.
People weren't MADE to mesh like that..
Or else I would be able to impregnate another girl..
Guys would be able to become pregnant.
And it just doesn't work that way..

I won't say I haven't ever been attracted to chicks.
I won't say that I haven't ever wondered.
That I haven't wanted to try things.
Experiment.
But long-term...
Yeah, I want a man.

Because that's just how it's supposed to be.
And,
In the end,
A real man is the only thing that will work for me.
Someone who isn't JUST like me.
But pretty darn close.
Someone who believes chivalry isn't dead,
But isn't sexist.
Doesn't look down on me.
Loves all the funky things about me.
Maybe he isn't artistic..
But he appreciates that I am?
I mean seriously..
How hard is that?
To really appreciate someone...
Why does it seem as though a lot of people
Aren't getting their love returned?
Not the right way, anyhow.
I don't get it.

Eh.. I know I'm just a little.. Hmm..
Well.. I'm prolly just in a romantic sort of mood right now.
But that's honestly what I want.
That's what I'm waiting for.
I'm not against having a boyfriend.
I just don't want to waste my time with ass holes.
I don't want to go into a relationship
That I KNOW will be short-term.
What's the point?
Having fun is great..
But why not have fun with someone that
Actually means something to you?

Yeah.
And I'd like to say something else:
Sex. Does. Not. Equal. Love.
Nope.
Sorry to shatter bubbles..
But seriously.
There are reasons they used to wait til marriage.
And one of those reasons is prolly that
Marriage is for LIFE..
I mean, it's supposed to be..
And when people have sex too early,
Their bodies will put off hormones that they will mistake for love.
It's not love, kids, it's lust.
Sex shouldn't be a given.
Sex should be important and significant.
It should also be fun.
And it's not for a million people, either.
Seriously,
There's a reason they call those girls sluts.
But you know what?
Those guys are whoring right along with the girls.
Sex takes two.
So Ya'll are sluts too.

Gah.
I guess I'm just ranting now..
I have just seen so many of my friends'
Lives go down the drain.
And I really wish that I could convince myself
That doing things the right way.
Having a brain.
Being beautiful, not slutty.
Being artistic.
Nerdy.
Having morals.
Not having a cookie cutter personality..
I wish I knew for sure that
There were guys that appreciated that..
That individuality really IS oh kay.
Cuz if it's not..
Well..
I'm screwed.
I can't be like anyone but me.
Hell, I'm still figuring out who ME is!
Yeah yeah yeah..
I'm being dramatic.
Whatever.
It's what I do.
I'm a drama nerd. :]
But seriously, at least I'm not causing drama.
Not making stupid problems for people.
At least I'm not stealing anyone's boyfriend..
Or ex-boyfriend.
I'm just good friends with a couple.
Ha!
Silly girls that are jealous of me..
Whatever.
Don't be jealous of something you know nothing about.
It's the hardest thing EVER
To be in love with your best [guy] friend.
Take it from me,
I've encountered it before.
And you know what?
I'm prolly about to go through it again..
And the fact that that first one didn't stick around long..
Well..
Let's just say THAT'S not a very comforting thought right now.
No.

So anyways..
Too many things are commonplace.
Homosexuality.
Sex.
Assholes.
Heart-shaped cookies.

Oh crud.
Valentine's Day is Saturday.
Day after tomorrow.
I totally forgot for.. A whole... Day.
Ha!
Ahh.. I'm totally lying to myself when I say I don't care.
Whatever!
Well.. At least I think I know what brought on this dumb-ass rant.
Geez.
Am I really THAT sad?
Do I really care that much?
I thought..
I thought for sure this year things would be different..
I had a boyfriend.
I loved him.
Turns out I wasn't in love.
But what the heck?
I totally thought..
I dunno what I thought..
Maybe that all that stuff I tell my friends..
About how amazing they are
And how they deserve better,
The Best,
Well..
I guess I thought that applied to me too.
Ah.
Oh well.
I'm only 18.
What the hell do I know?

Lack of Decision.

That pretty much says it.
I am faced with a decision that,
Quite simply,
Does not exist.
It does not exist and yet I feel like..
Like I'm stuck in a lose/lose situation.
Or win/win.
Likelihood?
Ahh.. Who knows.
It's two A.M.
I'm tired.
And hyped up.
Tonight was the cast party..
And last show of The Gazebo,
At the Linkville Playhouse.
It was amazing.
I'm kind of sad it's over..
And yet tired and relieved..
I'll miss it, and everyone..
But it was a nice experience..
I definitely won't forget it.
Thank you,
To everyone,
It was memorable and amazing.
And...
Cookies are good. [:

Wow.
That was a pointless note, if ever I wrote one..

Reason.

Nothing seems to make any sense.
I know it's there.
I can feel it.
I can brush the tip with my tongue,
Grasp just almost at the edge of my fingertips..
But just can't seem to reach it.
Reason.
This is too big for me to analyze.
Something I can't bite off,
Yet have,
And will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
I don't..
I can't..
I.. Ahh!
My brain is trying to analyze,
Trying to categorize,
Struggling to understand!
This isn't something I can do,
Yet must.
It's not something I would dare hope,
Yet I see it.
Not something I trust myself with,
Yet would never jeopardize.
Would never knowingly jeopardize.
Gah.. I feel like I'm rattling on...
As though this is my stumbling chance
To try and grasp the... Concept.
No.
Yes.
Concept.. Concept.. What is the concept?
Oh kay..
Concept would be that friendship is important.
Concept would be that you don't need another to complete you.
Concept would be that you DO.
Concept would be that I continue on as I always have.
Concepts, in application, falter.
Friendship is frail and laced with uncertainty.
Not needing someone to complete me.. Well..
It figures that I would come to that conclusion after
Being with always the wrong one.
Watching constantly as he wanders all over..
Perhaps so much so
That he is ruined to the concept as well..
Until he stands just over there,
Behind the glass wall,
Smiling and ever out of reach.
Oblivious.
That's what we are.
That's what we will remain,
I'm almost certain of it.
Continue on as I always have?
Certainly.
But what will it do to me this time?
Who will it affect, this time.
Is it my inaction that keeps me alive,
Or does it just keep me frozen and in stasis?
I don't understand.
I don't want to.
But I do.
Oh I do.
More than ever I do!
I want to know how my actions,
Or in my case inaction,
Will change the ones I love.
Or.... Care about.
Love is a funny word.
No one really understands it.
Not really.
I suppose it can't be understood.
How should someone know that I love them?
How should someone know it isn't necessarily romantic,
Isn't necessarily physical,
But isn't necessarily neglecting of those things either?
Such a complex emotion.
And it takes on so many forms.
How can people hate the idea of it?
Because they haven't encountered it
In an untainted form.
I suppose I can't promise the untainted, either.
I'm slipping.
They're starting to see behind my smile.
I'm starting to let it slide.
I'm not keeping watch.
I'm not staying on guard.
I must get my wall back up.
I MUST.
I must if I'm to survive.
Well.. If I'm to have some semblance of life.
I must especially if this goes on
For as long as I think it shall.
For as long as.... Hmm....
Dare I think it?
Dare I think that I'm only a diversion?
Something to be safe with..
To keep his mind off of... Things.
Until he finds.. What?
What do I expect him to find?
I know what.
Who.
That one person that will take chances.
Chances I dare not.
Someone who would unknowingly ruin it all.
Everything.
Once she comes along,
Be it someone new or a re-awakening of old love,
It will change everything.
And I'll be left again.
Even friendship has a price.
Even friendship has an end.
Even friendship has it's little deal breakers,
And I would undoubtedly be one.
My head is reeling.
My thoughts are spinning and mixing all over.
I need to just not think.
I need to stay calm.
But it won't work.
It will be detected.
It will be observed and attacked.
Put up the wall!
Ah.. But it will do no good.
For you and I both know, Love,
That I shant leave it up.
That it will crumble so quickly
I won't even know it was back up.
And I will ruin things by either hiding my feelings,
Or showing them.
Isn't that how it works?

Walking in the rain...

Today was something special.
I'm not sure how to explain it, exactly.
It seemed like a turning point, somehow.
I'm not sure in which direction I have turned..
Just that I have.

I do know one thing for sure;
When she says it's oh kay,
It's not.
When she says she's oh kay,
She's not.
No matter what I do,
It will get worse.
It's impending.
She needs me now more than ever but..
I feel that she's recoiling.
It's because of the other one...
Well.. Not him, exactly.
Me.
My choices.
They are fine.
She and I are fine.
He and I are fine.
But we.. WE are not fine.
Not at all.
And of course she wouldn't tell me..
She wouldn't say anything is wrong.
That I'm in the way.
That she would rather I wasn't there.
No.
No of course not.
She wouldn't want to hurt me.
And maybe she doesn't even realize it's me.
Hasn't put the pieces together yet.
But she will.
And I don't know what will come of us then.
I just don't know.

Tonight was lovely.
I had a good time..
Besides feeling like a thorn in her side..
I did have fun.
I actually feel guilty.
I realized this.
I. Feel. Guilty.
Why?
I just do.
Back to the point..
Youth in Keno was great..
William and Luke are hilarious.
They walked me home in the rain,
And swore to wear purple suit
And top hat tomorrow.
And maybe a tux. :D
We'll see.

It's impending.
It's all impending.
It's a storm that's waiting to break
And crash all about me.
Reinforcing strong holds
And tearing down bridges.
It's impending.
Tonight there was only a shower...
Ah but it was lovely..
I can only hope, pray, for more like this one..

It was a good day..

I hate knowing that I'm not good enough.
I hate realizing that I don't understand.


Today was good.
It started that way.
Church was nice,
lunch was nice,
and now we are going to go listen to nice poems.

But I think it isn't good for him..
I think that I don't know what to think.
And it makes me sad.
And a little lost.
I don't know what to do.
I think I might have already messed up..

I did something..
I did something wrong.
I must have, although I don't know what it is.

Failing me as a friend...
underlying unconscious knowing, understanding..
Failing me as a friend.

Where did it come from?
What caused this?
I wish I could talk to him...

My "Black"..

A few days ago, my friend asked
What I want to do with my life.
I didn't know what to do with the question.
I told him my plans like college and profession.
I didn't realize that none of that is really it.
Those are things I might do, or experience,
But they aren't my life.
Don't define my life.
My life is a twisting and turning trail
of the unknown.
What I know, though, is that
I want to do something worth doing.
I want to be with someone for the sake of being with them.
I want to love unconditionally.
I want to live with no regrets, no restraints,
And not let fear hold me back.
I want to accomplish all that I dream I can.
I want to be set on fire and let out to sea when I die.
No casket.
I want to find myself.
I want to not be afraid to express myself.
I want to try new things.
I want to travel.
Learn things and see places instead of only imagining.
I want to have a home in Ireland, that I can visit.
Most likely end up alone,
Not find that "One True Love" everyone is raving about.
But never truly alone, because I have my family.
My real family.
Blood runs thicker than water..
Family.
Meagan and Ben and mum and
Leah and Holly and Ellora and.. Luke?
We'll see..
One of my friends calls this my black.
To be content where I am.
To not screw things up for myself.
To live in the dark.
Not expressing specific thoughts or feelings
For fear of losing what amazing relationships I have.
He sees no point in this.
But, nonetheless, it is what I know.
Have always known.
It is what I do.
And I'll be oh kay with it.
Well... I will make peace with it at any rate.
Just give me some time,
And leave me to my lovely dark corner to think and brood..
I'll be fine.

Third thing I'm learning..

I'm learning a lot about what I think.
And about what I feel.
What little things go into making me tick.
I'm discovering things about myself
I didn't know were there.

For instance:
I'm not in love with who I thought I was.
I'm afraid of hurting people.
I like my comfort zone.
I am ripped apart when I can't see Leah and Luke.
Observation could be my downfall; Could be my safe haven.
I like to pray.
I feel vulnerable if you know how I feel; what I think.
I miss my sister, brother-in-law, and dad.
I sometimes dread school.
I am not certain of much.
The more I get that look, the more stupid I feel.
I will bury my feelings if I let myself,
and torture myself with them.
I feel drawn to alcohol.

I will address that last one.
I have made some stupid decisions.
I don't know if they are all mistakes,
but I would have been better of without.
I am not always the strongest person.
I'm not sure I understand cravings; needs.
But I do know that drinking is something I need not do.
In fact, I need to stay away from alcohol altogether.
I refuse to become my father, my father's father, my mother's father..
I refuse to be helpless in this one thing.
I'm not always the strongest person.
I might need help with a lot of things,
but I think I just won't do this.
Not this weekend.
Not next.
And maybe not for the rest of my life.
Because, damn it all, things just aren't that bad.
And how pathetic am I if I want it that bad?
The consequences are too great.
I need my brain cells [:

About the love thing..
I don't know if it's my fault or not.
I just know that it can't be helped now.
My heart has moved on and.. Yes. It's moved on.
I see possibilities that I hadn't before.
Maybe someday I will be loved for who I am.
All of me.
Perhaps even think my strangeness is cute. Sexy?
And someone will be strong in the ways I'm not,
and I can be the same for him, whoever he is.
Somehow, a perfect fit.
Puzzle pieces.
Nothing else will do.
That's what I must hope for.
That's why I wait.
That's why I won't say anything.

I miss my sister.
I actually like her.
A lot.
I want to be around her.
I want her to tell me I was stupid.
I want her to laugh at my antics.
I love her more than life.
Why does it have to be 3,000 miles again?
I know God has a plan.. It's just not the easiest to understand.

Burying my feelings is just something I do.
And then I bring them out every once in a while,
and they are stronger than ever before!
This is a problem.
I would explain why but.. That would give too much away [:

Leah is my best friend in the whole wide world.
She is, and forever will be, my oldest friend.
I have known her for most of my life,
and have been tagging along with her for most of that time.
She is my air.
My heart is torn apart when she's gone.

Luke is quickly becoming my best friend.
Hmm.. I don't like the term best friend anymore.
He is becoming.. No. Has become a life line of sorts.
A touch of reality.
A reminder that trust isn't always misplaced.
He understands me and doesn't treat me like an idiot.
He smiles.
He listens.
He has profound things going on inside his head.
I'm just barely skimming the surface of the vast mechanism
of what makes Luke, Luke.
I want to learn, and understand, how he thinks and what he feels.
I love that there is someone out there that gets it besides my Leah.
I don't know how he does it, but somehow, he makes me comfortable.
Like I can relax.
Like for a moment I'm safe.
He's a good friend.
I wouldn't trade that friendship, our friendship, for anything [:

The rest of it.. Well.. I can't explain.
It would take too long.
There is just too much that goes into what makes me... Me.
I know it's just so original and all but..
I think maybe the whole point of this
writing it all down thing is to try and understand myself.
To love myself, maybe.
It's a slow process,
But I'm getting there [:

I'm also crocheting a checkered scarf 0_o