Reason.

Nothing seems to make any sense.
I know it's there.
I can feel it.
I can brush the tip with my tongue,
Grasp just almost at the edge of my fingertips..
But just can't seem to reach it.
Reason.
This is too big for me to analyze.
Something I can't bite off,
Yet have,
And will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
I don't..
I can't..
I.. Ahh!
My brain is trying to analyze,
Trying to categorize,
Struggling to understand!
This isn't something I can do,
Yet must.
It's not something I would dare hope,
Yet I see it.
Not something I trust myself with,
Yet would never jeopardize.
Would never knowingly jeopardize.
Gah.. I feel like I'm rattling on...
As though this is my stumbling chance
To try and grasp the... Concept.
No.
Yes.
Concept.. Concept.. What is the concept?
Oh kay..
Concept would be that friendship is important.
Concept would be that you don't need another to complete you.
Concept would be that you DO.
Concept would be that I continue on as I always have.
Concepts, in application, falter.
Friendship is frail and laced with uncertainty.
Not needing someone to complete me.. Well..
It figures that I would come to that conclusion after
Being with always the wrong one.
Watching constantly as he wanders all over..
Perhaps so much so
That he is ruined to the concept as well..
Until he stands just over there,
Behind the glass wall,
Smiling and ever out of reach.
Oblivious.
That's what we are.
That's what we will remain,
I'm almost certain of it.
Continue on as I always have?
Certainly.
But what will it do to me this time?
Who will it affect, this time.
Is it my inaction that keeps me alive,
Or does it just keep me frozen and in stasis?
I don't understand.
I don't want to.
But I do.
Oh I do.
More than ever I do!
I want to know how my actions,
Or in my case inaction,
Will change the ones I love.
Or.... Care about.
Love is a funny word.
No one really understands it.
Not really.
I suppose it can't be understood.
How should someone know that I love them?
How should someone know it isn't necessarily romantic,
Isn't necessarily physical,
But isn't necessarily neglecting of those things either?
Such a complex emotion.
And it takes on so many forms.
How can people hate the idea of it?
Because they haven't encountered it
In an untainted form.
I suppose I can't promise the untainted, either.
I'm slipping.
They're starting to see behind my smile.
I'm starting to let it slide.
I'm not keeping watch.
I'm not staying on guard.
I must get my wall back up.
I MUST.
I must if I'm to survive.
Well.. If I'm to have some semblance of life.
I must especially if this goes on
For as long as I think it shall.
For as long as.... Hmm....
Dare I think it?
Dare I think that I'm only a diversion?
Something to be safe with..
To keep his mind off of... Things.
Until he finds.. What?
What do I expect him to find?
I know what.
Who.
That one person that will take chances.
Chances I dare not.
Someone who would unknowingly ruin it all.
Everything.
Once she comes along,
Be it someone new or a re-awakening of old love,
It will change everything.
And I'll be left again.
Even friendship has a price.
Even friendship has an end.
Even friendship has it's little deal breakers,
And I would undoubtedly be one.
My head is reeling.
My thoughts are spinning and mixing all over.
I need to just not think.
I need to stay calm.
But it won't work.
It will be detected.
It will be observed and attacked.
Put up the wall!
Ah.. But it will do no good.
For you and I both know, Love,
That I shant leave it up.
That it will crumble so quickly
I won't even know it was back up.
And I will ruin things by either hiding my feelings,
Or showing them.
Isn't that how it works?