Third thing I'm learning..

I'm learning a lot about what I think.
And about what I feel.
What little things go into making me tick.
I'm discovering things about myself
I didn't know were there.

For instance:
I'm not in love with who I thought I was.
I'm afraid of hurting people.
I like my comfort zone.
I am ripped apart when I can't see Leah and Luke.
Observation could be my downfall; Could be my safe haven.
I like to pray.
I feel vulnerable if you know how I feel; what I think.
I miss my sister, brother-in-law, and dad.
I sometimes dread school.
I am not certain of much.
The more I get that look, the more stupid I feel.
I will bury my feelings if I let myself,
and torture myself with them.
I feel drawn to alcohol.

I will address that last one.
I have made some stupid decisions.
I don't know if they are all mistakes,
but I would have been better of without.
I am not always the strongest person.
I'm not sure I understand cravings; needs.
But I do know that drinking is something I need not do.
In fact, I need to stay away from alcohol altogether.
I refuse to become my father, my father's father, my mother's father..
I refuse to be helpless in this one thing.
I'm not always the strongest person.
I might need help with a lot of things,
but I think I just won't do this.
Not this weekend.
Not next.
And maybe not for the rest of my life.
Because, damn it all, things just aren't that bad.
And how pathetic am I if I want it that bad?
The consequences are too great.
I need my brain cells [:

About the love thing..
I don't know if it's my fault or not.
I just know that it can't be helped now.
My heart has moved on and.. Yes. It's moved on.
I see possibilities that I hadn't before.
Maybe someday I will be loved for who I am.
All of me.
Perhaps even think my strangeness is cute. Sexy?
And someone will be strong in the ways I'm not,
and I can be the same for him, whoever he is.
Somehow, a perfect fit.
Puzzle pieces.
Nothing else will do.
That's what I must hope for.
That's why I wait.
That's why I won't say anything.

I miss my sister.
I actually like her.
A lot.
I want to be around her.
I want her to tell me I was stupid.
I want her to laugh at my antics.
I love her more than life.
Why does it have to be 3,000 miles again?
I know God has a plan.. It's just not the easiest to understand.

Burying my feelings is just something I do.
And then I bring them out every once in a while,
and they are stronger than ever before!
This is a problem.
I would explain why but.. That would give too much away [:

Leah is my best friend in the whole wide world.
She is, and forever will be, my oldest friend.
I have known her for most of my life,
and have been tagging along with her for most of that time.
She is my air.
My heart is torn apart when she's gone.

Luke is quickly becoming my best friend.
Hmm.. I don't like the term best friend anymore.
He is becoming.. No. Has become a life line of sorts.
A touch of reality.
A reminder that trust isn't always misplaced.
He understands me and doesn't treat me like an idiot.
He smiles.
He listens.
He has profound things going on inside his head.
I'm just barely skimming the surface of the vast mechanism
of what makes Luke, Luke.
I want to learn, and understand, how he thinks and what he feels.
I love that there is someone out there that gets it besides my Leah.
I don't know how he does it, but somehow, he makes me comfortable.
Like I can relax.
Like for a moment I'm safe.
He's a good friend.
I wouldn't trade that friendship, our friendship, for anything [:

The rest of it.. Well.. I can't explain.
It would take too long.
There is just too much that goes into what makes me... Me.
I know it's just so original and all but..
I think maybe the whole point of this
writing it all down thing is to try and understand myself.
To love myself, maybe.
It's a slow process,
But I'm getting there [:

I'm also crocheting a checkered scarf 0_o