Up and Down.

I haven't done this in a while.
And my journal..
My poor lil robot journal
[no joke, it has metallic robots on the cover<3]
Well.. It's been a bit neglected lately.

Just so much has been happening
That I scarcely understand it all.
I barely believe I'm living through all of this..
How am I supposed to write it down
When I'm this far behind?
Where do I start?

I've been so confused about everything lately.
I've been so close to breaking for a while now.
I thought I was fine.
You know?
Thought I was strong.
Honestly had myself convinced I didn't have problems,
Things don't affect me.

It's a lie.
I've been bottling.
And it's brought me to the consequences.
I've been up and down,
Up and down.
Down and up.
Upside down and sideways, rather.
I'm getting everything all mixed up.
And the worse part is that
It's hindering my ability to be there for my friends.
To REALLY be there.

Especially my boyfriend.
I've really started letting him slip through the cracks.
I don't mean to.
I just.. He..
He can read me fairly well.
He knows when something is up and..
I just don't want to drag him down.
I don't want to worry him over things like
My issues at home.
Or conversations with my ex.
Or questions I'm asking about my faith.
My beliefs.
Especially now.
Now that he's trying to change his direction.
Getting his life on a new track.
I don't want to be his weight.
And I think I am.
I saw it tonight.
He's so worried about making my day..
About taking all my cares away..
About being there for me..
I just don't want to
Be a cog in his wheel.

I've felt like such a hypocrite.
I thought I lost him for a while there..
My feelings changed.
And then he was back and..
They didn't return to the way they were..
Before.
I don't understand.
I still care about him so much.
I still want to be here for him.
I don't want to just break when I have a problem.
If we have problems.
I just..
I want to make sure my feelings weren't a lie.
That I wasn't attracted to him solely because he's better.
because he is better.
Infinitely.
And if not before,
Tonight in itself showed me that
He's willing to go an extra ten thousand miles
Just to be that one for me.
Be there for me all around.
Make me feel happy and safe.

I want to be the same for him.
I've just been so wrapped up
In the trappings of it all.
Started feeling closed in and scared.
I don't want to hurt him,
But I know that I will.
Whether a smallish-large amount
Or a huge amount,
I couldn't say.
I just know it will happen.
And I know it will be me.
And I hate that.
I'm not worthy.
I'm too far... Gone.
Stuck.
I'm one of those recurring problems.
I don't need to be the death of his heart.

I actually blew up on him today.
For something insignificant.
Something I should have shrugged off..
And I tried.
But to try means to fail.
And I did.
I blew up.
And I just can't understand
How I can treat him that way.
I don't like it.
I hate it.
I want it to stop.
I want him to run far away from me,
And never look back.
I want his life to bring him happiness.
I will only kill that life,
Whatever is left in him.
Whatever new hope is budding in his heart.
I will kill it.
And it will be worse than how I found it.
Oh please, God, no.
Not that.

Overly dramatic?
Maybe.
I don't think so.
And my journal wouldn't either,
If I wasn't so afraid to open the damn thing.
So I'm back to the beginning.
Barely explaining.
Barely understanding.
Barely starting.




Side Note:

I'M GETTING MY COMPY FIXED!!
[On Friday night.]
Teach it to try committing suicide again.
Huh!