No One Expects You To Get Up.

I'm listening to Pandora.
It's my Muse station.
It was playing Little House, by The Fray.
Thus the title up there |^|

So the other morning my mum told me something interesting.
It was interesting to me, anyhow.
So, she has been sleeping with me
in my room for a few weeks because
I have a huge bed and her room just hasn't come together yet.
[We just moved in recently.]
Well.. She's a mum, so if her babies made weird noises
when they slept she always noticed, ya know?
Well, apparently when I sleep I stop breathing.
Not permanently, obviously, else I wouldn't be alive.
But every few seconds, for a few seconds, I don't breathe.
I stop.. And then start.. Then stop.. Then start.
And it doesn't wake me up!
It's so strange.
And I'm still alive.. So I know I'm not dying, ya know?
But.. I could, I guess.
You never know.
Tonight or tomorrow night could be my last night.
Last night could have been, but it wasn't.
What I'm saying is, that I have numbered days.
The only days that are certain are the ones God gives me.
Each and every day.
And when He decides I am not needed here anymore,
or when I've strayed so far from the path
that He must take me or risk my soul... Well..
I hope it doesn't happen that way.
But you know, it puts things in perspective, sorta.
I think about how life has been so screwed up.
How God has brought me through it all.
How loved I am.
And how I've loved..
I haven't been a good friend, sister, or daughter.
I have a hard time talking to my dad,
because he doesn't contact me unless he needs something.
I miss my sister so much.
I hate that she moved away.
But I want her to be happy.
I want her to live and not look back and not regret anything.
I miss my best friend.
She is in her senior year, and she's in love.
I may never have the same relationship with her again
as I did before she met her boyfriend, but I love her
as much as the most precious members of my family.
I haven't always treated her properly.
In fact, on more than one instance I traded her love
for the thought of love from a boy.
I loved that boy so much.
He was also my good good friend.
He talked to me, trusted me,
and went through unnecessary pain for me.
And I shall never love another like I did him.
My ex-boyfriends knew this,
despite my trying to hide it,
and I feel bad about that.
But there's nothing I can do.
I talked to said boy a couple of weeks ago.
It was nice.
But it wasn't the same.
We aren't friends anymore.
We aren't kids anymore.
And he has moved on.
I missed chances and opportunities with him
because I was jealous, and petty, and didn't
believe that I had value or was good enough for him.
But I was.
God doesn't make mistakes.
People are born how, when, and with whom,
exactly how they are supposed to be.
I have made mistakes.
I can't take any of them back.
I regret them, and I wish that I could have
learned the things I know now
without having screwed up so horribly.
But there is nothing I can do now.
I pray for boy, and he will be fine.
Someday, he'll do what he loves,
he'll go back to God, and maybe he'll get married.
I may not be wearing the white dress,
I may not be there,
I may not even be alive,
but I will love him all the same.
I'm happy, I think, with myself
and with my decisions right now.
I love my friends, my mum, and they need me.
Someone needs me,
and that's what I'm really here for, isn't it?
As soon as I start living life for me again..
That's when things will go wrong.
Because I have to be careful that I want my destiny,
and not just what I want.
And destiny is so much bigger.
It's bigger than my music.
It's bigger than my friends and family.
It's bigger than my jealousy and pain.
It's bigger than my love for boy.
No matter how much I want...
It's not important.
What I want is not important.
This blog reminds me of destiny,
because no one really reads it.
I have the link for it posted on all of the social networks,
but the only times I have gotten readers
was when they said something I needed.
Boy will probably never read this,
and if he does, he might not know it's about him.
But if he reads it, there will be a reason.
There is hope for that, you know?
For me, there is hope.
But only if it's right.
Because I want boy to be where he's supposed to be.
I want him to be where he belongs.
I want nothing to be wasted.
He has so much inside of him.
So I'll continue living, for who knows how long,
until God is done with me, and pray.
Because that is why I'm here.
If only it were as simple as all of that.

Our Time Is Running Out - Muse