Reason.

Nothing seems to make any sense.
I know it's there.
I can feel it.
I can brush the tip with my tongue,
Grasp just almost at the edge of my fingertips..
But just can't seem to reach it.
Reason.
This is too big for me to analyze.
Something I can't bite off,
Yet have,
And will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
I don't..
I can't..
I.. Ahh!
My brain is trying to analyze,
Trying to categorize,
Struggling to understand!
This isn't something I can do,
Yet must.
It's not something I would dare hope,
Yet I see it.
Not something I trust myself with,
Yet would never jeopardize.
Would never knowingly jeopardize.
Gah.. I feel like I'm rattling on...
As though this is my stumbling chance
To try and grasp the... Concept.
No.
Yes.
Concept.. Concept.. What is the concept?
Oh kay..
Concept would be that friendship is important.
Concept would be that you don't need another to complete you.
Concept would be that you DO.
Concept would be that I continue on as I always have.
Concepts, in application, falter.
Friendship is frail and laced with uncertainty.
Not needing someone to complete me.. Well..
It figures that I would come to that conclusion after
Being with always the wrong one.
Watching constantly as he wanders all over..
Perhaps so much so
That he is ruined to the concept as well..
Until he stands just over there,
Behind the glass wall,
Smiling and ever out of reach.
Oblivious.
That's what we are.
That's what we will remain,
I'm almost certain of it.
Continue on as I always have?
Certainly.
But what will it do to me this time?
Who will it affect, this time.
Is it my inaction that keeps me alive,
Or does it just keep me frozen and in stasis?
I don't understand.
I don't want to.
But I do.
Oh I do.
More than ever I do!
I want to know how my actions,
Or in my case inaction,
Will change the ones I love.
Or.... Care about.
Love is a funny word.
No one really understands it.
Not really.
I suppose it can't be understood.
How should someone know that I love them?
How should someone know it isn't necessarily romantic,
Isn't necessarily physical,
But isn't necessarily neglecting of those things either?
Such a complex emotion.
And it takes on so many forms.
How can people hate the idea of it?
Because they haven't encountered it
In an untainted form.
I suppose I can't promise the untainted, either.
I'm slipping.
They're starting to see behind my smile.
I'm starting to let it slide.
I'm not keeping watch.
I'm not staying on guard.
I must get my wall back up.
I MUST.
I must if I'm to survive.
Well.. If I'm to have some semblance of life.
I must especially if this goes on
For as long as I think it shall.
For as long as.... Hmm....
Dare I think it?
Dare I think that I'm only a diversion?
Something to be safe with..
To keep his mind off of... Things.
Until he finds.. What?
What do I expect him to find?
I know what.
Who.
That one person that will take chances.
Chances I dare not.
Someone who would unknowingly ruin it all.
Everything.
Once she comes along,
Be it someone new or a re-awakening of old love,
It will change everything.
And I'll be left again.
Even friendship has a price.
Even friendship has an end.
Even friendship has it's little deal breakers,
And I would undoubtedly be one.
My head is reeling.
My thoughts are spinning and mixing all over.
I need to just not think.
I need to stay calm.
But it won't work.
It will be detected.
It will be observed and attacked.
Put up the wall!
Ah.. But it will do no good.
For you and I both know, Love,
That I shant leave it up.
That it will crumble so quickly
I won't even know it was back up.
And I will ruin things by either hiding my feelings,
Or showing them.
Isn't that how it works?

Walking in the rain...

Today was something special.
I'm not sure how to explain it, exactly.
It seemed like a turning point, somehow.
I'm not sure in which direction I have turned..
Just that I have.

I do know one thing for sure;
When she says it's oh kay,
It's not.
When she says she's oh kay,
She's not.
No matter what I do,
It will get worse.
It's impending.
She needs me now more than ever but..
I feel that she's recoiling.
It's because of the other one...
Well.. Not him, exactly.
Me.
My choices.
They are fine.
She and I are fine.
He and I are fine.
But we.. WE are not fine.
Not at all.
And of course she wouldn't tell me..
She wouldn't say anything is wrong.
That I'm in the way.
That she would rather I wasn't there.
No.
No of course not.
She wouldn't want to hurt me.
And maybe she doesn't even realize it's me.
Hasn't put the pieces together yet.
But she will.
And I don't know what will come of us then.
I just don't know.

Tonight was lovely.
I had a good time..
Besides feeling like a thorn in her side..
I did have fun.
I actually feel guilty.
I realized this.
I. Feel. Guilty.
Why?
I just do.
Back to the point..
Youth in Keno was great..
William and Luke are hilarious.
They walked me home in the rain,
And swore to wear purple suit
And top hat tomorrow.
And maybe a tux. :D
We'll see.

It's impending.
It's all impending.
It's a storm that's waiting to break
And crash all about me.
Reinforcing strong holds
And tearing down bridges.
It's impending.
Tonight there was only a shower...
Ah but it was lovely..
I can only hope, pray, for more like this one..

It was a good day..

I hate knowing that I'm not good enough.
I hate realizing that I don't understand.


Today was good.
It started that way.
Church was nice,
lunch was nice,
and now we are going to go listen to nice poems.

But I think it isn't good for him..
I think that I don't know what to think.
And it makes me sad.
And a little lost.
I don't know what to do.
I think I might have already messed up..

I did something..
I did something wrong.
I must have, although I don't know what it is.

Failing me as a friend...
underlying unconscious knowing, understanding..
Failing me as a friend.

Where did it come from?
What caused this?
I wish I could talk to him...

My "Black"..

A few days ago, my friend asked
What I want to do with my life.
I didn't know what to do with the question.
I told him my plans like college and profession.
I didn't realize that none of that is really it.
Those are things I might do, or experience,
But they aren't my life.
Don't define my life.
My life is a twisting and turning trail
of the unknown.
What I know, though, is that
I want to do something worth doing.
I want to be with someone for the sake of being with them.
I want to love unconditionally.
I want to live with no regrets, no restraints,
And not let fear hold me back.
I want to accomplish all that I dream I can.
I want to be set on fire and let out to sea when I die.
No casket.
I want to find myself.
I want to not be afraid to express myself.
I want to try new things.
I want to travel.
Learn things and see places instead of only imagining.
I want to have a home in Ireland, that I can visit.
Most likely end up alone,
Not find that "One True Love" everyone is raving about.
But never truly alone, because I have my family.
My real family.
Blood runs thicker than water..
Family.
Meagan and Ben and mum and
Leah and Holly and Ellora and.. Luke?
We'll see..
One of my friends calls this my black.
To be content where I am.
To not screw things up for myself.
To live in the dark.
Not expressing specific thoughts or feelings
For fear of losing what amazing relationships I have.
He sees no point in this.
But, nonetheless, it is what I know.
Have always known.
It is what I do.
And I'll be oh kay with it.
Well... I will make peace with it at any rate.
Just give me some time,
And leave me to my lovely dark corner to think and brood..
I'll be fine.

Third thing I'm learning..

I'm learning a lot about what I think.
And about what I feel.
What little things go into making me tick.
I'm discovering things about myself
I didn't know were there.

For instance:
I'm not in love with who I thought I was.
I'm afraid of hurting people.
I like my comfort zone.
I am ripped apart when I can't see Leah and Luke.
Observation could be my downfall; Could be my safe haven.
I like to pray.
I feel vulnerable if you know how I feel; what I think.
I miss my sister, brother-in-law, and dad.
I sometimes dread school.
I am not certain of much.
The more I get that look, the more stupid I feel.
I will bury my feelings if I let myself,
and torture myself with them.
I feel drawn to alcohol.

I will address that last one.
I have made some stupid decisions.
I don't know if they are all mistakes,
but I would have been better of without.
I am not always the strongest person.
I'm not sure I understand cravings; needs.
But I do know that drinking is something I need not do.
In fact, I need to stay away from alcohol altogether.
I refuse to become my father, my father's father, my mother's father..
I refuse to be helpless in this one thing.
I'm not always the strongest person.
I might need help with a lot of things,
but I think I just won't do this.
Not this weekend.
Not next.
And maybe not for the rest of my life.
Because, damn it all, things just aren't that bad.
And how pathetic am I if I want it that bad?
The consequences are too great.
I need my brain cells [:

About the love thing..
I don't know if it's my fault or not.
I just know that it can't be helped now.
My heart has moved on and.. Yes. It's moved on.
I see possibilities that I hadn't before.
Maybe someday I will be loved for who I am.
All of me.
Perhaps even think my strangeness is cute. Sexy?
And someone will be strong in the ways I'm not,
and I can be the same for him, whoever he is.
Somehow, a perfect fit.
Puzzle pieces.
Nothing else will do.
That's what I must hope for.
That's why I wait.
That's why I won't say anything.

I miss my sister.
I actually like her.
A lot.
I want to be around her.
I want her to tell me I was stupid.
I want her to laugh at my antics.
I love her more than life.
Why does it have to be 3,000 miles again?
I know God has a plan.. It's just not the easiest to understand.

Burying my feelings is just something I do.
And then I bring them out every once in a while,
and they are stronger than ever before!
This is a problem.
I would explain why but.. That would give too much away [:

Leah is my best friend in the whole wide world.
She is, and forever will be, my oldest friend.
I have known her for most of my life,
and have been tagging along with her for most of that time.
She is my air.
My heart is torn apart when she's gone.

Luke is quickly becoming my best friend.
Hmm.. I don't like the term best friend anymore.
He is becoming.. No. Has become a life line of sorts.
A touch of reality.
A reminder that trust isn't always misplaced.
He understands me and doesn't treat me like an idiot.
He smiles.
He listens.
He has profound things going on inside his head.
I'm just barely skimming the surface of the vast mechanism
of what makes Luke, Luke.
I want to learn, and understand, how he thinks and what he feels.
I love that there is someone out there that gets it besides my Leah.
I don't know how he does it, but somehow, he makes me comfortable.
Like I can relax.
Like for a moment I'm safe.
He's a good friend.
I wouldn't trade that friendship, our friendship, for anything [:

The rest of it.. Well.. I can't explain.
It would take too long.
There is just too much that goes into what makes me... Me.
I know it's just so original and all but..
I think maybe the whole point of this
writing it all down thing is to try and understand myself.
To love myself, maybe.
It's a slow process,
But I'm getting there [:

I'm also crocheting a checkered scarf 0_o