Thursday. [February 19th] <3

I suppose this is the
Blog That Can Never Be.
I'm not sure why, yet, though..
I don't like it.
It feels like I'm hiding.
Feels like I'm lying.
Being selective..
We haven't really been thus far..
Why must I be now?
It feels all wrong.
My hopes and dreams are starting to form..
Starting to come true.
The things..
Or rather the someone I desire..
And now I have it.
Him.
He's mine.
It's crazy!
So hard to believe..
And yet, tangible!
Every time I see him..
Feel him..
Hear his voice..
The things he says..
The look in his eyes when they meet mine..
How is it possible?
I don't know.
And for once
I think I don't WANT to know.
I would like to just be happy.
Just this once.
Can I do that?
Can I have this?
Just this once?

As far as I'm concerned
February 19th, 2009
Was the day God answered my prayers. <3

Overdose Maybe? [:

Alright..
I know this is my third one of the... Morning.
Haha!
Ahh.. It's morning already!
Silly me!
Anyways..

I know this is the third one in a row..
But I just keep thinking!
I can't turn it off..

I just read through all my previous posts.
There are kind of a lot of them.
Like, masses.
It's crazy.
I can be so passionate.
I COULD be so passionate.
I'm sure I still am..
But mostly lately I'm just dramatic.

I wrote so many blogs to/about
My ex boyfriend.
It's crazy.
I thought I was totally in love with him.
I know I loved him.
But I also know that we weren't meant for more.
I miss him.
I miss talking to him.
But somehow it just isn't the same anymore.
He's going to Tennessee after all..
It's so strange.
Our whole plan..
He could have been with me..
Now he has to go there.
It isn't the same.. Hmm..
The thing is,
I know that I can't be the same with him.
I know that I have to guard myself.
I know that he isn't mine.
And he needs to know that.
I can't let him believe he has a chance at love.
A chance with me, that is.
He will have the right kind.. Some day.
That is, if he allows it to happen.
I was reading all those old blogs
And realizing how unhealthy the whole thing was.
I learned a lot, it's true,
But it's a good thing it's over.

I just really hate that it's February.
I'm not sure why I care..
I guess because..
Despite it all I desire that perfect love.
That one that goes together.
That one that God puts together.
I want to be with someone.
I know it's all timing but..
I'm so tired of waiting.
How strange is it for an 18 year-old
To want this?
I'm not asking for marriage right away..
But something that will lead there..
Well, that would be nice.

And I know it's silly,
But I want to be the girl that gets roses.
I want to go for walks in the middle the night
Or sit on a blanket in the grass
Just to be with that one person.
Just to be.
I want that.
And Valentine's Day just reminds me.
It just reminds me that people are buying things.
That it's not the things I want
That some people are using it as an excuse to get laid.
That it's over-commercialized.
I know all that..
It's just a nice thought.
It's a nice thing to think about.
Love and kisses and hugs and sweet things.
Not even things.
Just thoughts.
A look in that sweet, sweet boy's eyes.
That one that tells you everything.
I got a different look tonight..
I got the look that says all of the above..
That said all of that doesn't exist.
Somehow.. I have to believe that it does.
I just have to.

I'm not being the most eloquent tonight.
I just think I'm all thunk out.
Haha!
Imagine that.. Thinking on an empty tank!
I need to go to sleep..
I have to get up tomorrow.
Ha!
Yeah.. As opposed to the days I don't get up?
Yeah I know.. Verrrry funny!
Well.. I thought it was.
And Luke seemed to, as well.

I know it was a joke earlier..
That book: Pregnancy for Dummies.
But.. I'm so glad I'm not a teen mummy.
I'm so glad I'm not alone and scared
With a baby growing inside me.
I know I'll be a mum someday,
If it's what God has for me,
But I want it to be the right way..
Married and in love..
I feel so bad for all those little girls..
Little girls that have to raise a child.
Children raising children.
It's sad, really.
Feeling unloved and unwanted and unworthy.
My life is good, really.
I need to remember that.

Thank You.

I just went back through
And read all my previous posts.
Every.
Single.
Last.
One.
Yeah it took an hour or so.. Ha!
Uhh..

I just wanted to take a minute or two
To thank the people who left comments.
I don't know how I missed them before..
My wonderful, amazing, beautiful sister.
I love you more than life itself.
I miss you so much.
I know you are still there for me.
I hope you know I'm here for you too.
We have been through so much..
I hope I can make you proud of me..
I hope I'm not just a stupid kid to you anymore.

Dad and Carrie..
Thanks.
I love you guys so much.
It was amazing seeing you.
I hope everything is going well..
What with raising money and being missionaries.
I'm so glad that you're where God wants you,
Even if it means I don't see you every week.
I hope Nick knows I love him too..
If he remembers me..
I'll always remember him, and you.
I'll always love you guys.
You truly helped me see sides of God
That I hadn't before..
You taught me not to look to men..
But to my Heavenly Father.
Somehow it's always different
When you hear it from someone other than your mum! [:
Haha!
My prayers are with you.

Commonplace.

Is it just me..
Or is almost everyone "Bi"?
Yeah..
That's what I thought.
It seems to me the whole thing
Has turned into some kind of trend.
Being attracted to another girl,
Kissing another girl,
Maybe getting horny cuz of one,
Does not necessarily make you bi or les.
It's true.
[I say girl because I am one
But it applies to both sexes, obviously.]
Experimenting is one thing...
But I just can't understand having a long-term relationship
With someone of the same sex.
Maybe it's just me.
I mean,
Leaving religion out of the whole thing,
It just doesn't work.
Guy on guy.
Girl on girl.
People weren't MADE to mesh like that..
Or else I would be able to impregnate another girl..
Guys would be able to become pregnant.
And it just doesn't work that way..

I won't say I haven't ever been attracted to chicks.
I won't say that I haven't ever wondered.
That I haven't wanted to try things.
Experiment.
But long-term...
Yeah, I want a man.

Because that's just how it's supposed to be.
And,
In the end,
A real man is the only thing that will work for me.
Someone who isn't JUST like me.
But pretty darn close.
Someone who believes chivalry isn't dead,
But isn't sexist.
Doesn't look down on me.
Loves all the funky things about me.
Maybe he isn't artistic..
But he appreciates that I am?
I mean seriously..
How hard is that?
To really appreciate someone...
Why does it seem as though a lot of people
Aren't getting their love returned?
Not the right way, anyhow.
I don't get it.

Eh.. I know I'm just a little.. Hmm..
Well.. I'm prolly just in a romantic sort of mood right now.
But that's honestly what I want.
That's what I'm waiting for.
I'm not against having a boyfriend.
I just don't want to waste my time with ass holes.
I don't want to go into a relationship
That I KNOW will be short-term.
What's the point?
Having fun is great..
But why not have fun with someone that
Actually means something to you?

Yeah.
And I'd like to say something else:
Sex. Does. Not. Equal. Love.
Nope.
Sorry to shatter bubbles..
But seriously.
There are reasons they used to wait til marriage.
And one of those reasons is prolly that
Marriage is for LIFE..
I mean, it's supposed to be..
And when people have sex too early,
Their bodies will put off hormones that they will mistake for love.
It's not love, kids, it's lust.
Sex shouldn't be a given.
Sex should be important and significant.
It should also be fun.
And it's not for a million people, either.
Seriously,
There's a reason they call those girls sluts.
But you know what?
Those guys are whoring right along with the girls.
Sex takes two.
So Ya'll are sluts too.

Gah.
I guess I'm just ranting now..
I have just seen so many of my friends'
Lives go down the drain.
And I really wish that I could convince myself
That doing things the right way.
Having a brain.
Being beautiful, not slutty.
Being artistic.
Nerdy.
Having morals.
Not having a cookie cutter personality..
I wish I knew for sure that
There were guys that appreciated that..
That individuality really IS oh kay.
Cuz if it's not..
Well..
I'm screwed.
I can't be like anyone but me.
Hell, I'm still figuring out who ME is!
Yeah yeah yeah..
I'm being dramatic.
Whatever.
It's what I do.
I'm a drama nerd. :]
But seriously, at least I'm not causing drama.
Not making stupid problems for people.
At least I'm not stealing anyone's boyfriend..
Or ex-boyfriend.
I'm just good friends with a couple.
Ha!
Silly girls that are jealous of me..
Whatever.
Don't be jealous of something you know nothing about.
It's the hardest thing EVER
To be in love with your best [guy] friend.
Take it from me,
I've encountered it before.
And you know what?
I'm prolly about to go through it again..
And the fact that that first one didn't stick around long..
Well..
Let's just say THAT'S not a very comforting thought right now.
No.

So anyways..
Too many things are commonplace.
Homosexuality.
Sex.
Assholes.
Heart-shaped cookies.

Oh crud.
Valentine's Day is Saturday.
Day after tomorrow.
I totally forgot for.. A whole... Day.
Ha!
Ahh.. I'm totally lying to myself when I say I don't care.
Whatever!
Well.. At least I think I know what brought on this dumb-ass rant.
Geez.
Am I really THAT sad?
Do I really care that much?
I thought..
I thought for sure this year things would be different..
I had a boyfriend.
I loved him.
Turns out I wasn't in love.
But what the heck?
I totally thought..
I dunno what I thought..
Maybe that all that stuff I tell my friends..
About how amazing they are
And how they deserve better,
The Best,
Well..
I guess I thought that applied to me too.
Ah.
Oh well.
I'm only 18.
What the hell do I know?

Lack of Decision.

That pretty much says it.
I am faced with a decision that,
Quite simply,
Does not exist.
It does not exist and yet I feel like..
Like I'm stuck in a lose/lose situation.
Or win/win.
Likelihood?
Ahh.. Who knows.
It's two A.M.
I'm tired.
And hyped up.
Tonight was the cast party..
And last show of The Gazebo,
At the Linkville Playhouse.
It was amazing.
I'm kind of sad it's over..
And yet tired and relieved..
I'll miss it, and everyone..
But it was a nice experience..
I definitely won't forget it.
Thank you,
To everyone,
It was memorable and amazing.
And...
Cookies are good. [:

Wow.
That was a pointless note, if ever I wrote one..