Castles In The Sky

-Ian Van Dahl


Alrighty..
I've started playing my guitar again,
got a tuner yesterday,
and went to town on my acoustic,
snapped a string,
and moved on to my electric.
Woot!
It felt really good.
I even worked on some bar chords.
I need to do some more memorization.


This has to be short because I'm watching Smallville with mum..
But I wanted to say that
I'm doing quite well.
I'm not going to pretend things have suddenly gotten easy..
I just think that God has given me some peace.
I've released things.
I put things in his hands,
and if they happen they happen,
and if they don't, they don't.
In the meantime I'm working on my artistry,
my homework,
and some budding friendships.
I love Josh and Shannon to pieces.
They make me laugh so much!
And Josh is... Stabilizing for meh, I think.
It's pretty fantastic.
I've decided that it's enough for now,
just to work on meh.
I'm still talking to boy kinda..
But I don't expect things.
I keep praying for his way to find him.
And I pray that mine finds me.
I've decided to sorta.. Chill a lil.
Take things more slowly.
Not lazily, just.. Not so intensely.
I've been fierce about so many things..
I've worn myself out.
I'm tired of loving and despising 
and everything else.
So we'll see how my life goes.


I'm looking into beauty school,
even though I was accepted at SOU.
I have a lot of interests.
I'm just not sure in which direction to take my training.
Also, I'm planning to upload a new video
tomorrow on my youtube.
Youtube.com/MokonaLya
if you're interested.
My lappy is back up and running,
so it's about time I got back to my vlogging.
Haha.


-You're poison.-

Excruciating.

I'm glad I never put much stock in it.
He's a good friend of mine
and he absolutely adores her.
It's almost sickening.
But that's only because I'm so jealous
and so alone.
I wanted something to happen there,
because I wanted to take my life into my own hands,
and maybe find a way to suffer a little less.
He's a great guy.
But he'll never be for me, nor I for him.
It's just hard to look at them.
It's hard to look at him,
with how much he loves her.
And it's hard to look at her,
and hear her speak,
who wouldn't love her?
She's unspeakably amazing.
I've always wanted to be a little bit awesome.
Or rather, I've wanted someone to think I was.
But it's not gonna happen.
I can't take this.
I really can't.
It's been eating at me so much.
I received my acceptance letter for Southern Oregon University
in the mail this evening
and I can't even seem to be happy about it.
I can't be excited.
I don't see the point in going through the hoops
if I can't even live.
If I don't know how.
I'm too tired.
I'm too lazy.
And I know damn well
that I can't and/or won't do anything about that.
Talking to boy isn't helping.
He just has no idea.
And it gets harder and harder
for me to pretend that I don't have feelings for him.
It gets harder for me to read his messages,
and it's unbearable if I don't receive one in a couple of days.
Even those couple of day can be excruciating.
I told God I can't do this.
I asked Him to take him outta my heart
if it wasn't meant to be,
and He hasn't.
But that doesn't mean that boy will do what
he's meant to do.
And it doesn't mean he'll do it in a timely fashion.
Why is it suddenly so difficult for me to live like this?
Since when do I need a man to complete me?
Since I admitted to myself that no matter what I do
it always be him and only him.
My whole life is cloudy.
I'm in tears almost every day.
How much longer?

His mother..
She told him she had a place when he needed it.
He called her, sobbing, because he had no where to go.
She told him she didn't have anywhere for him to go,
but call her back in a week if he hasn't found somewhere.
His mother
has hindered my destiny.
And she has wounded her son.
I battle anger on a regular basis.
It's getting harder.
I'm so tired....

-I can hardly stand this..-

-..You should've left me dead.-

Made a Mistake by Sugarcult.

You know, everything is pretty damn pointless right about now.

I mean, it always was, but I never admitted it to myself, ya know?

I don't know why I bother talking to him.

I don't know why I would continue going to school after next quarter.

I don't know why I'm sticking around here.

I don't know why I don't have a job.

I don't know why I would have a job.

I have one close friend here,

and oodles of other people whom I love.

They love me too, but they aren't that close.

No matter how hard we try,

it never works out.

I want to be close to them..

But the timing is all off.

The timing of everything.

School, birth years, maturity, insanity..

I wish my heart would go back to cold and lifeless.

I wish it would go back to numb.

I won't complain about it ever again.

I can do numb!

At least numb helps me pretend there's a chance for me.

Numb helps me think I have opportunities

and my horrible fate hasn't already been decided.

Numb helps me forget how angry I am at God,

and how scared shitless I am 

because obviously He already knows.

I'm a fucking hypocrite.

I'm always blathering on about being an individual.

About how life has possibilities.

About how we should reach for the stars and love and being rockstars.

But it's all bullshit.

I'm one of the only people I know with no potential.

Not only that,

I have not fucking personality!

Everyone knows who I am.

The problem with this is that they are all saying something different

and they are all wrong.

You're a warm, sweet person.

You're a loving person.

You're a dark, morbid person.

You don't want friends.

You're a freak.

You're perfect.

You have one of those personalities that just pulls people in!

Whatever.

I'm none of these things, and all of these things.

But the thing I am not, is special.

I don't have any one thing I'm really good at,

besides copying other people's shit.

That's what I am.

I'm a collage of copies.

No one knows me because there is no me.

I don't have anything to offer anyone.

Why would anyone even want to be with me?

I'm lucky I have the two friends I have..

But one is moving on without realizing it,

and the other will when she doesn't need me anymore.

Not because she means to, 

but because she'll be doing so wonderfully

and I will respectfully fade into the distance.

Mum only needs me cuz she doesn't have anyone else.

But we hinder each other.

I mean, this would be great if I didn't want her to have 

something better from her life,

but I do.

And I'm tired of wanting things.

I'm tired of wanting people to want me.

It's so pointless, and it takes so much energy.

I'm so fragile.

I fucking hate it!

I give up.

From now on, I'm a robot.

Meagan, I'm not being melodramatic.

At least, not in the sense you mean.

I'm just really fucking tired of no one caring about the things I say.

I'm not just melodramatic, 

but I pretend I am so keep the peace.

Everyone was so surprised at my silly

teen rebellion years.

Why wouldn't she want us to think she's sweet?

Cuz I'm fucking not,

and I'm tired of being reprimanded for lack of it.

I'm tired of mum being surprised all the time

when I'm a bitch to her,

even tho it happens every day.

I'm just fucking sick of it all.

No one should be exposed to me,

and I'm tired of being nothing but a copy.

And a poor quality one, at that.

I'm only nineteen years old, 

and I'm already fucking done with this shit.