Excruciating.

I'm glad I never put much stock in it.
He's a good friend of mine
and he absolutely adores her.
It's almost sickening.
But that's only because I'm so jealous
and so alone.
I wanted something to happen there,
because I wanted to take my life into my own hands,
and maybe find a way to suffer a little less.
He's a great guy.
But he'll never be for me, nor I for him.
It's just hard to look at them.
It's hard to look at him,
with how much he loves her.
And it's hard to look at her,
and hear her speak,
who wouldn't love her?
She's unspeakably amazing.
I've always wanted to be a little bit awesome.
Or rather, I've wanted someone to think I was.
But it's not gonna happen.
I can't take this.
I really can't.
It's been eating at me so much.
I received my acceptance letter for Southern Oregon University
in the mail this evening
and I can't even seem to be happy about it.
I can't be excited.
I don't see the point in going through the hoops
if I can't even live.
If I don't know how.
I'm too tired.
I'm too lazy.
And I know damn well
that I can't and/or won't do anything about that.
Talking to boy isn't helping.
He just has no idea.
And it gets harder and harder
for me to pretend that I don't have feelings for him.
It gets harder for me to read his messages,
and it's unbearable if I don't receive one in a couple of days.
Even those couple of day can be excruciating.
I told God I can't do this.
I asked Him to take him outta my heart
if it wasn't meant to be,
and He hasn't.
But that doesn't mean that boy will do what
he's meant to do.
And it doesn't mean he'll do it in a timely fashion.
Why is it suddenly so difficult for me to live like this?
Since when do I need a man to complete me?
Since I admitted to myself that no matter what I do
it always be him and only him.
My whole life is cloudy.
I'm in tears almost every day.
How much longer?

His mother..
She told him she had a place when he needed it.
He called her, sobbing, because he had no where to go.
She told him she didn't have anywhere for him to go,
but call her back in a week if he hasn't found somewhere.
His mother
has hindered my destiny.
And she has wounded her son.
I battle anger on a regular basis.
It's getting harder.
I'm so tired....