Made a Mistake by Sugarcult.
You know, everything is pretty damn pointless right about now.
I mean, it always was, but I never admitted it to myself, ya know?
I don't know why I bother talking to him.
I don't know why I would continue going to school after next quarter.
I don't know why I'm sticking around here.
I don't know why I don't have a job.
I don't know why I would have a job.
I have one close friend here,
and oodles of other people whom I love.
They love me too, but they aren't that close.
No matter how hard we try,
it never works out.
I want to be close to them..
But the timing is all off.
The timing of everything.
School, birth years, maturity, insanity..
I wish my heart would go back to cold and lifeless.
I wish it would go back to numb.
I won't complain about it ever again.
I can do numb!
At least numb helps me pretend there's a chance for me.
Numb helps me think I have opportunities
and my horrible fate hasn't already been decided.
Numb helps me forget how angry I am at God,
and how scared shitless I am
because obviously He already knows.
I'm a fucking hypocrite.
I'm always blathering on about being an individual.
About how life has possibilities.
About how we should reach for the stars and love and being rockstars.
But it's all bullshit.
I'm one of the only people I know with no potential.
Not only that,
I have not fucking personality!
Everyone knows who I am.
The problem with this is that they are all saying something different
and they are all wrong.
You're a warm, sweet person.
You're a loving person.
You're a dark, morbid person.
You don't want friends.
You're a freak.
You're perfect.
You have one of those personalities that just pulls people in!
Whatever.
I'm none of these things, and all of these things.
But the thing I am not, is special.
I don't have any one thing I'm really good at,
besides copying other people's shit.
That's what I am.
I'm a collage of copies.
No one knows me because there is no me.
I don't have anything to offer anyone.
Why would anyone even want to be with me?
I'm lucky I have the two friends I have..
But one is moving on without realizing it,
and the other will when she doesn't need me anymore.
Not because she means to,
but because she'll be doing so wonderfully
and I will respectfully fade into the distance.
Mum only needs me cuz she doesn't have anyone else.
But we hinder each other.
I mean, this would be great if I didn't want her to have
something better from her life,
but I do.
And I'm tired of wanting things.
I'm tired of wanting people to want me.
It's so pointless, and it takes so much energy.
I'm so fragile.
I fucking hate it!
I give up.
From now on, I'm a robot.
Meagan, I'm not being melodramatic.
At least, not in the sense you mean.
I'm just really fucking tired of no one caring about the things I say.
I'm not just melodramatic,
but I pretend I am so keep the peace.
Everyone was so surprised at my silly
teen rebellion years.
Why wouldn't she want us to think she's sweet?
Cuz I'm fucking not,
and I'm tired of being reprimanded for lack of it.
I'm tired of mum being surprised all the time
when I'm a bitch to her,
even tho it happens every day.
I'm just fucking sick of it all.
No one should be exposed to me,
and I'm tired of being nothing but a copy.
And a poor quality one, at that.
I'm only nineteen years old,
and I'm already fucking done with this shit.
0 comments:
Post a Comment