Keyboard Confessional

Castles In The Sky

2010-03-03T22:18:00.000-08:00

-Ian Van Dahl

Alrighty..
I've started playing my guitar again,
got a tuner yesterday,
and went to town on my acoustic,
snapped a string,
and moved on to my electric.
Woot!
It felt really good.
I even worked on some bar chords.
I need to do some more memorization.

This has to be short because I'm watching Smallville with mum..
But I wanted to say that
I'm doing quite well.
I'm not going to pretend things have suddenly gotten easy..
I just think that God has given me some peace.
I've released things.
I put things in his hands,
and if they happen they happen,
and if they don't, they don't.
In the meantime I'm working on my artistry,
my homework,
and some budding friendships.
I love Josh and Shannon to pieces.
They make me laugh so much!
And Josh is... Stabilizing for meh, I think.
It's pretty fantastic.
I've decided that it's enough for now,
just to work on meh.
I'm still talking to boy kinda..
But I don't expect things.
I keep praying for his way to find him.
And I pray that mine finds me.
I've decided to sorta.. Chill a lil.
Take things more slowly.
Not lazily, just.. Not so intensely.
I've been fierce about so many things..
I've worn myself out.
I'm tired of loving and despising
and everything else.
So we'll see how my life goes.

I'm looking into beauty school,
even though I was accepted at SOU.
I have a lot of interests.
I'm just not sure in which direction to take my training.
Also, I'm planning to upload a new video
tomorrow on my youtube.
Youtube.com/MokonaLya
if you're interested.
My lappy is back up and running,
so it's about time I got back to my vlogging.
Haha.

-You're poison.-

Excruciating.

2010-02-28T01:34:00.000-08:00

I'm glad I never put much stock in it.
He's a good friend of mine
and he absolutely adores her.
It's almost sickening.
But that's only because I'm so jealous
and so alone.
I wanted something to happen there,
because I wanted to take my life into my own hands,
and maybe find a way to suffer a little less.
He's a great guy.
But he'll never be for me, nor I for him.
It's just hard to look at them.
It's hard to look at him,
with how much he loves her.
And it's hard to look at her,
and hear her speak,
who wouldn't love her?
She's unspeakably amazing.
I've always wanted to be a little bit awesome.
Or rather, I've wanted someone to think I was.
But it's not gonna happen.
I can't take this.
I really can't.
It's been eating at me so much.
I received my acceptance letter for Southern Oregon University
in the mail this evening
and I can't even seem to be happy about it.
I can't be excited.
I don't see the point in going through the hoops
if I can't even live.
If I don't know how.
I'm too tired.
I'm too lazy.
And I know damn well
that I can't and/or won't do anything about that.
Talking to boy isn't helping.
He just has no idea.
And it gets harder and harder
for me to pretend that I don't have feelings for him.
It gets harder for me to read his messages,
and it's unbearable if I don't receive one in a couple of days.
Even those couple of day can be excruciating.
I told God I can't do this.
I asked Him to take him outta my heart
if it wasn't meant to be,
and He hasn't.
But that doesn't mean that boy will do what
he's meant to do.
And it doesn't mean he'll do it in a timely fashion.
Why is it suddenly so difficult for me to live like this?
Since when do I need a man to complete me?
Since I admitted to myself that no matter what I do
it always be him and only him.
My whole life is cloudy.
I'm in tears almost every day.
How much longer?

His mother..
She told him she had a place when he needed it.
He called her, sobbing, because he had no where to go.
She told him she didn't have anywhere for him to go,
but call her back in a week if he hasn't found somewhere.
His mother
has hindered my destiny.
And she has wounded her son.
I battle anger on a regular basis.
It's getting harder.
I'm so tired....

-I can hardly stand this..-

2010-02-25T19:31:00.000-08:00

-..You should've left me dead.-

Made a Mistake by Sugarcult.

You know, everything is pretty damn pointless right about now.

I mean, it always was, but I never admitted it to myself, ya know?

I don't know why I bother talking to him.

I don't know why I would continue going to school after next quarter.

I don't know why I'm sticking around here.

I don't know why I don't have a job.

I don't know why I would have a job.

I have one close friend here,

and oodles of other people whom I love.

They love me too, but they aren't that close.

No matter how hard we try,

it never works out.

I want to be close to them..

But the timing is all off.

The timing of everything.

School, birth years, maturity, insanity..

I wish my heart would go back to cold and lifeless.

I wish it would go back to numb.

I won't complain about it ever again.

I can do numb!

At least numb helps me pretend there's a chance for me.

Numb helps me think I have opportunities

and my horrible fate hasn't already been decided.

Numb helps me forget how angry I am at God,

and how scared shitless I am

because obviously He already knows.

I'm a fucking hypocrite.

I'm always blathering on about being an individual.

About how life has possibilities.

About how we should reach for the stars and love and being rockstars.

But it's all bullshit.

I'm one of the only people I know with no potential.

Not only that,

I have not fucking personality!

Everyone knows who I am.

The problem with this is that they are all saying something different

and they are all wrong.

You're a warm, sweet person.

You're a loving person.

You're a dark, morbid person.

You don't want friends.

You're a freak.

You're perfect.

You have one of those personalities that just pulls people in!

Whatever.

I'm none of these things, and all of these things.

But the thing I am not, is special.

I don't have any one thing I'm really good at,

besides copying other people's shit.

That's what I am.

I'm a collage of copies.

No one knows me because there is no me.

I don't have anything to offer anyone.

Why would anyone even want to be with me?

I'm lucky I have the two friends I have..

But one is moving on without realizing it,

and the other will when she doesn't need me anymore.

Not because she means to,

but because she'll be doing so wonderfully

and I will respectfully fade into the distance.

Mum only needs me cuz she doesn't have anyone else.

But we hinder each other.

I mean, this would be great if I didn't want her to have

something better from her life,

but I do.

And I'm tired of wanting things.

I'm tired of wanting people to want me.

It's so pointless, and it takes so much energy.

I'm so fragile.

I fucking hate it!

I give up.

From now on, I'm a robot.

Meagan, I'm not being melodramatic.

At least, not in the sense you mean.

I'm just really fucking tired of no one caring about the things I say.

I'm not just melodramatic,

but I pretend I am so keep the peace.

Everyone was so surprised at my silly

teen rebellion years.

Why wouldn't she want us to think she's sweet?

Cuz I'm fucking not,

and I'm tired of being reprimanded for lack of it.

I'm tired of mum being surprised all the time

when I'm a bitch to her,

even tho it happens every day.

I'm just fucking sick of it all.

No one should be exposed to me,

and I'm tired of being nothing but a copy.

And a poor quality one, at that.

I'm only nineteen years old,

and I'm already fucking done with this shit.

indieVISUAL Journal Challenge

2009-12-29T17:06:00.000-08:00

The title just about says it all.
I'm thrusting my abilities,
[or quirky-misguided thoughts, whichever]
into a new project.
One that is not so pathetic and American.

God Bless America.
But I think I shall broaden my horizons a bit,
considering that we don't have much going on right now.
Seriously.
Have you ever seen a country so divided?
Our country needs prayer.
So if you're doing that, keep it up,
and if not, please start.
You don't even have to be from the US.
God hears everyone, obviously.

Anyhoooooo,
Starting in 2010 I'm going to do a visual blog post
every
single
day.
Hopefully I don't forget day one
and make it past day two.
I'm not positive if this will take place on blogger
or if I'll post it on my tumblr,
[Yes, I have both.]
Or both!
I'm not sure.
But I have about two days to decide.
Wish me,
[And everyone else,]
much luck and success!
Also,
if you are curious or want to do this yourself,
visit http://indievisualjournal.blogspot.com/ ...
That's where you get started.

Also also,
I originally heard of doing this from Charlie McDonell.
Not personally, but I've recently started following him.
On the internet.
Alrighty, that sounds stalkerish.
Hokay.
YouTube.com/Charlie
Charlie2010.tumblr.com

Because apparently I've forgotten
how to write html links. D:

So Brown Eyes, I'll Hold You Near, 'Cause You're The Only Song I Want To Hear.

2009-12-23T18:50:00.000-08:00

-Death Cab for Cutie.- |^|

I've been thinking today,
despite my efforts not to.
Last night I almost succeeded in not thinking.
I've been playing around on Facebook like mad.
It takes some brain power.
And then knit-looming takes some space in my brain, as well.
But today it isn't working.

It's so strange.
I was reading some of my old blog posts today.
I do that every now and again.
It's interesting to see how I have changed
and how I have not.
How circumstances change.
All the memories.
I've had some pretty powerful emotions.
I blogged all the way through my first real boyfriend,
and through my second,
and now through the things I'm realizing lately.
Or rather, the things I'm admitting.
I've always realized many things,
but wouldn't look them square in the face.

I have been so.. Insecure.
And so lonely.
I found my first boyfriend and latched on
because I thought
"Here is someone who needs me, who wants me."
With my second I was overwhelmed and freaking out all the time.
The happy phase really only lasted so long.
Or maybe it's just that the scary things are more vivid memories.
I'm not really sure.
Now I find myself looking at people as they pass me.
Guys who are fairly easy to read.
Girls who are fake.
People with walls.
People with masks.
I think that very few of them are happy.
But some are happy.
I think I can finally rejoice in that.
Not be entirely jealous of someone else's happiness.
There will always be some jealousy, I think.
Until I can let myself be happy.
I think I relish pain, in some way.
I'm a bit masochistic.
It's hard not to love something
even if it is the most acute source of pain.

The thing that I've noticed
is that I will only ever be happy
[As a couple]
with one person.
I've decided this, because I believe in monogamy,
obviously, and because
I believe that I know who that one person is.
Now, I look at the opposite sex,
and every time I'm slightly more disappointed.
I don't know them, but I know who they aren't.
It's worse, when I see a trait that is so similar,
and still. Just. Not.
Coming to the realization that I know who I belong with
has a crippling affect.
I can't believe in dating anymore.
Isn't the whole point to find your mate or a lover?
I can't have boyfriends anymore.
I can't have frivolous relationships
because I'd feel like a fraud.
How dare I?

And then there is that strange romantic thought.
The "Ever since the first time I saw her..." statement.
I know I will never have that.
It is me that has that feeling, not the other way around.
I know that I will always be some sort of after-thought
even if I am the most-loved after-thought in the world.

He will be home soon.
Amy, they will all be home and they will be so close.
They might as well be in Keno,
for all the weight it carries with me.
He will be home soon.
But it is of no consequence to me.
I am only useful for a moment,
and once I am no longer needed
I might as well be a fruit fly or a mosquito.
[Depending on the level of annoyance.]

Mum says words have power.
I believe this.
It's in the Bible, somewhere.
But that doesn't mean I should live my life
taking claim to things that might never happen.
It's too.. Stalkerish.
Ew.
It is best for me to keep my mouth shut,
which is what I've begun to do.
So I write instead.
I can write more freely than I could speak, anyway.
Speaking things makes them too real.
It makes them.. not just mine anymore.
I guess the scariest part is that I could be wrong.
I am human and thus make constant error.
I believe with all my heart that I am not mistaken.
I believe it with my mind.
I see how I have compared.
How I have judged.
How I have only really wished for one thing,
even when I could not admit it to myself.
The one thing that seemed the most impossible.
And that one thing needed me.
For just a day, I was needed.
It was like I had him back, for just minute.
And then he was gone again.
But he is coming home.
It means nothing.

I write about boy because..
I hope that it will help me not to think of him.
Because I feel like such a silly girl.
A very serious, silly girl, if that makes sense.
I have always prided myself in not being shallow.
In not being a typical girl who swoons so often.
Who fills her journal with boys.
Boys that she loves anew every other day.
But.. Maybe I am just that bad.
The boy.
And all the others I used to try to forget him.
Oh.
That is horrible.
I've used.. More than just my ex's.
I don't know if I realized what I was doing..
But that doesn't make it any better.
I'm a user.
No wonder I can't seem to stay happy for long.
I'm just like those other girls.
I do what I need to do to get what I want.
Except, I'm not good at it.
It hasn't worked, obviously.
At least I have resolved to stop.
I can't keep it up, anyway.
It's such a thin plastic pleasure that doesn't last.
I need something real.
I think this is why God hasn't
allowed me to have what I want.
He knows I have put too much stock in it.
I need to be happy being alone.
But how do I do that when I'm missing half of myself
and that half is struggling through things I can't take away?
I want to help.
I want to be completed again.
Not me, but the package.
It's so confusing.
You don't need a man to be happy.
But God created us that way,
so that the two could become one.
Perhaps I'm mistaking pain for unhappiness.
I really have a wonderful life, friends, and family.
I am happy most of the time,
and I don't seek approval from the opposite sex.
Perhaps it's the link between us that is causing
these intense emotions that
I have managed so suppress until recently.
I hate feeling helpless.
I hate feeling hopeless.
[Only in that aspect, the rest of my life is perfect.]
I hate feeling like I'm being toyed with.
And like I'll never get to that path in my destiny
that leads to the most perfect thing that ever existed.
I need to stop.
I'ma go take a shower
and do something about the low blood sugar.

..In your head, Zombie.. - Cranberries.

No One Expects You To Get Up.

2009-12-18T17:28:00.001-08:00

I'm listening to Pandora.
It's my Muse station.
It was playing Little House, by The Fray.
Thus the title up there |^|

So the other morning my mum told me something interesting.
It was interesting to me, anyhow.
So, she has been sleeping with me
in my room for a few weeks because
I have a huge bed and her room just hasn't come together yet.
[We just moved in recently.]
Well.. She's a mum, so if her babies made weird noises
when they slept she always noticed, ya know?
Well, apparently when I sleep I stop breathing.
Not permanently, obviously, else I wouldn't be alive.
But every few seconds, for a few seconds, I don't breathe.
I stop.. And then start.. Then stop.. Then start.
And it doesn't wake me up!
It's so strange.
And I'm still alive.. So I know I'm not dying, ya know?
But.. I could, I guess.
You never know.
Tonight or tomorrow night could be my last night.
Last night could have been, but it wasn't.
What I'm saying is, that I have numbered days.
The only days that are certain are the ones God gives me.
Each and every day.
And when He decides I am not needed here anymore,
or when I've strayed so far from the path
that He must take me or risk my soul... Well..
I hope it doesn't happen that way.
But you know, it puts things in perspective, sorta.
I think about how life has been so screwed up.
How God has brought me through it all.
How loved I am.
And how I've loved..
I haven't been a good friend, sister, or daughter.
I have a hard time talking to my dad,
because he doesn't contact me unless he needs something.
I miss my sister so much.
I hate that she moved away.
But I want her to be happy.
I want her to live and not look back and not regret anything.
I miss my best friend.
She is in her senior year, and she's in love.
I may never have the same relationship with her again
as I did before she met her boyfriend, but I love her
as much as the most precious members of my family.
I haven't always treated her properly.
In fact, on more than one instance I traded her love
for the thought of love from a boy.
I loved that boy so much.
He was also my good good friend.
He talked to me, trusted me,
and went through unnecessary pain for me.
And I shall never love another like I did him.
My ex-boyfriends knew this,
despite my trying to hide it,
and I feel bad about that.
But there's nothing I can do.
I talked to said boy a couple of weeks ago.
It was nice.
But it wasn't the same.
We aren't friends anymore.
We aren't kids anymore.
And he has moved on.
I missed chances and opportunities with him
because I was jealous, and petty, and didn't
believe that I had value or was good enough for him.
But I was.
God doesn't make mistakes.
People are born how, when, and with whom,
exactly how they are supposed to be.
I have made mistakes.
I can't take any of them back.
I regret them, and I wish that I could have
learned the things I know now
without having screwed up so horribly.
But there is nothing I can do now.
I pray for boy, and he will be fine.
Someday, he'll do what he loves,
he'll go back to God, and maybe he'll get married.
I may not be wearing the white dress,
I may not be there,
I may not even be alive,
but I will love him all the same.
I'm happy, I think, with myself
and with my decisions right now.
I love my friends, my mum, and they need me.
Someone needs me,
and that's what I'm really here for, isn't it?
As soon as I start living life for me again..
That's when things will go wrong.
Because I have to be careful that I want my destiny,
and not just what I want.
And destiny is so much bigger.
It's bigger than my music.
It's bigger than my friends and family.
It's bigger than my jealousy and pain.
It's bigger than my love for boy.
No matter how much I want...
It's not important.
What I want is not important.
This blog reminds me of destiny,
because no one really reads it.
I have the link for it posted on all of the social networks,
but the only times I have gotten readers
was when they said something I needed.
Boy will probably never read this,
and if he does, he might not know it's about him.
But if he reads it, there will be a reason.
There is hope for that, you know?
For me, there is hope.
But only if it's right.
Because I want boy to be where he's supposed to be.
I want him to be where he belongs.
I want nothing to be wasted.
He has so much inside of him.
So I'll continue living, for who knows how long,
until God is done with me, and pray.
Because that is why I'm here.
If only it were as simple as all of that.

Our Time Is Running Out - Muse

We Live in a Beautiful World.

2009-12-12T16:52:00.000-08:00

You know, life is full of possibilities.
And blogging is very self absorbed.
If that means I shant be doing it anymore,
I'm not really sure.
I am thinking that I am sick of my whining.
Again.
Yes, I know I have said these things before,
"but this time it's different!"
Ugh.
No, it's not, I've just decided that I need to be a better person.
I need to be the best person I can
in order to reach my full potential.
I do not believe that it is true
that one must have a rather large ego
in order to be an accomplished artist.
Well.. I am rather arrogant,
but I work on fixing that every day.
So, I will be an accomplished artist
and a good person.
Or.. I shall try.
Yes.
I want my friends to know how much I love them.
I wouldn't be able to live without them.
Love is, well.. Every artist needs their muse, right?
I have found mine.
Love.

Finals. Woot.

2009-12-06T15:49:00.000-08:00

I am procrastinating today.
That's what I'm doing.
Yep.
Which means I'm doing a whole lot
of absolutely nothing.
It's epic.
So no History final.. I'll do my art final.
How could I not?
But history..
Fifty percent is a good grade, right?
Yeah?
I'm on myspace, facebook, gaia, and this
all at the same time.
I'm so thirsty...
Ack!
I suppose I'll go work on my History final..
Why?
I can't believe I'm gonna do this again next term.
Who really needs Eastern Civ?
I can't really complain tho.
I'm gonna take a computer concepts class.
Haha, it's almost cheating
how easy that class is gonna be.
Let's learn to understand our computers!
Beee the computer!
Remember: Be the Computer!
Ahhaha! :D
Yes.. Well..
I should prolly gooooo.. Look at..
Something shiny... Ooover there!

God I love this.
Blogging is like talking to myself,
but on the INTERNET!
Woot!
In all honesty the conversations
I have with my self are much more interesting.
I argue.
Yes.
I do.
YES. I. DO.
xD

What the heck man.

2009-12-05T22:32:00.001-08:00

Yar!
Me facebook be set to pirate!
Down t' davey jone's wit ya!

Hehehe :D

I'm a lil hyper..
I'm trying to be happy..
Just ignore all the stuff that I've been dealing with today.
Just.. Let it go for a few minutes.
I have take-home finals to.. Do.
I'm procrastinating hard core right now.
I'm even talking to my ex-boyfriend..
About serious stuff.
About... Feelings.
Ick.
What's wrong with me.

I have realized that I sabotage relationships.
I can't seem to be in a healthy, regular, relationship
with a guy.
It's really strange.
But now that I know this,
maybe I'll do something about it.
Maybe I'll start dating, or something.
Ick!
Umm.. maybe not.
Oh kay..
Let's take this slowly.
Let's just start with me blogging again.
After all.. My last entry was from last Spring..
When I still had a boyfriend..
And I totally foresaw what would happen.
We aren't together anymore,
in case you hadn't gathered.
I'm in college now.
I'm talking to a pretty big local band
about doing lead vocals.
I'm trying to point my life in some direction.
I just have to forget about being lonely.
Convince myself that I'm not.
God, I'm such a whiner.
Ick.
No wonder I'm single.
Gross.
I be a saucy wench!
Yarrrr!

Up and Down.

2009-04-08T22:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't done this in a while.
And my journal..
My poor lil robot journal
[no joke, it has metallic robots on the cover<3]
Well.. It's been a bit neglected lately.

Just so much has been happening
That I scarcely understand it all.
I barely believe I'm living through all of this..
How am I supposed to write it down
When I'm this far behind?
Where do I start?

I've been so confused about everything lately.
I've been so close to breaking for a while now.
I thought I was fine.
You know?
Thought I was strong.
Honestly had myself convinced I didn't have problems,
Things don't affect me.

It's a lie.
I've been bottling.
And it's brought me to the consequences.
I've been up and down,
Up and down.
Down and up.
Upside down and sideways, rather.
I'm getting everything all mixed up.
And the worse part is that
It's hindering my ability to be there for my friends.
To REALLY be there.

Especially my boyfriend.
I've really started letting him slip through the cracks.
I don't mean to.
I just.. He..
He can read me fairly well.
He knows when something is up and..
I just don't want to drag him down.
I don't want to worry him over things like
My issues at home.
Or conversations with my ex.
Or questions I'm asking about my faith.
My beliefs.
Especially now.
Now that he's trying to change his direction.
Getting his life on a new track.
I don't want to be his weight.
And I think I am.
I saw it tonight.
He's so worried about making my day..
About taking all my cares away..
About being there for me..
I just don't want to
Be a cog in his wheel.

I've felt like such a hypocrite.
I thought I lost him for a while there..
My feelings changed.
And then he was back and..
They didn't return to the way they were..
Before.
I don't understand.
I still care about him so much.
I still want to be here for him.
I don't want to just break when I have a problem.
If we have problems.
I just..
I want to make sure my feelings weren't a lie.
That I wasn't attracted to him solely because he's better.
because he is better.
Infinitely.
And if not before,
Tonight in itself showed me that
He's willing to go an extra ten thousand miles
Just to be that one for me.
Be there for me all around.
Make me feel happy and safe.

I want to be the same for him.
I've just been so wrapped up
In the trappings of it all.
Started feeling closed in and scared.
I don't want to hurt him,
But I know that I will.
Whether a smallish-large amount
Or a huge amount,
I couldn't say.
I just know it will happen.
And I know it will be me.
And I hate that.
I'm not worthy.
I'm too far... Gone.
Stuck.
I'm one of those recurring problems.
I don't need to be the death of his heart.

I actually blew up on him today.
For something insignificant.
Something I should have shrugged off..
And I tried.
But to try means to fail.
And I did.
I blew up.
And I just can't understand
How I can treat him that way.
I don't like it.
I hate it.
I want it to stop.
I want him to run far away from me,
And never look back.
I want his life to bring him happiness.
I will only kill that life,
Whatever is left in him.
Whatever new hope is budding in his heart.
I will kill it.
And it will be worse than how I found it.
Oh please, God, no.
Not that.

Overly dramatic?
Maybe.
I don't think so.
And my journal wouldn't either,
If I wasn't so afraid to open the damn thing.
So I'm back to the beginning.
Barely explaining.
Barely understanding.
Barely starting.

Side Note:

I'M GETTING MY COMPY FIXED!!
[On Friday night.]
Teach it to try committing suicide again.
Huh!

Theory.

2009-03-09T00:05:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a new concept.
Well.
Not exactly new.
Just.. Sort of.

I'm thinking about judging.
And I'm thinking about evaluating.
I hate it when people are judgmental.
I hate it with a passion, almost.

I think..
I need to stop being a fucking hypocrite
And give everyone else the chance I want.
Damn it all.
People change..
People have bad days.
People need people.
Soo..
I need to realize other people
Are just people
Also.
It isn't just me.

Yeahhh..
SO this is my lil life revision.
If I am a bitch for no reason,
Slap me.
I won't be one of those friends
that My Friends have to apologize for..
Sorry about that Fred.. She's not usually like this.
Nope.
I'm not going to be like that.
I'ma be a real person for once.
Live a little.
Chill out and stop caring.
What happened a couple years ago should stay there..

Soooo..
You wanna hang out?
Get to know each other again??
I'm willing to bet we've both changed a lot....

Untouched - The Veronicas

2009-03-09T00:04:00.000-07:00

Thursday. [February 19th] <3

2009-02-27T19:38:00.000-08:00

I suppose this is the
Blog That Can Never Be.
I'm not sure why, yet, though..
I don't like it.
It feels like I'm hiding.
Feels like I'm lying.
Being selective..
We haven't really been thus far..
Why must I be now?
It feels all wrong.
My hopes and dreams are starting to form..
Starting to come true.
The things..
Or rather the someone I desire..
And now I have it.
Him.
He's mine.
It's crazy!
So hard to believe..
And yet, tangible!
Every time I see him..
Feel him..
Hear his voice..
The things he says..
The look in his eyes when they meet mine..
How is it possible?
I don't know.
And for once
I think I don't WANT to know.
I would like to just be happy.
Just this once.
Can I do that?
Can I have this?
Just this once?

As far as I'm concerned
February 19th, 2009
Was the day God answered my prayers. <3

Overdose Maybe? [:

2009-02-13T02:40:00.000-08:00

Alright..
I know this is my third one of the... Morning.
Haha!
Ahh.. It's morning already!
Silly me!
Anyways..

I know this is the third one in a row..
But I just keep thinking!
I can't turn it off..

I just read through all my previous posts.
There are kind of a lot of them.
Like, masses.
It's crazy.
I can be so passionate.
I COULD be so passionate.
I'm sure I still am..
But mostly lately I'm just dramatic.

I wrote so many blogs to/about
My ex boyfriend.
It's crazy.
I thought I was totally in love with him.
I know I loved him.
But I also know that we weren't meant for more.
I miss him.
I miss talking to him.
But somehow it just isn't the same anymore.
He's going to Tennessee after all..
It's so strange.
Our whole plan..
He could have been with me..
Now he has to go there.
It isn't the same.. Hmm..
The thing is,
I know that I can't be the same with him.
I know that I have to guard myself.
I know that he isn't mine.
And he needs to know that.
I can't let him believe he has a chance at love.
A chance with me, that is.
He will have the right kind.. Some day.
That is, if he allows it to happen.
I was reading all those old blogs
And realizing how unhealthy the whole thing was.
I learned a lot, it's true,
But it's a good thing it's over.

I just really hate that it's February.
I'm not sure why I care..
I guess because..
Despite it all I desire that perfect love.
That one that goes together.
That one that God puts together.
I want to be with someone.
I know it's all timing but..
I'm so tired of waiting.
How strange is it for an 18 year-old
To want this?
I'm not asking for marriage right away..
But something that will lead there..
Well, that would be nice.

And I know it's silly,
But I want to be the girl that gets roses.
I want to go for walks in the middle the night
Or sit on a blanket in the grass
Just to be with that one person.
Just to be.
I want that.
And Valentine's Day just reminds me.
It just reminds me that people are buying things.
That it's not the things I want
That some people are using it as an excuse to get laid.
That it's over-commercialized.
I know all that..
It's just a nice thought.
It's a nice thing to think about.
Love and kisses and hugs and sweet things.
Not even things.
Just thoughts.
A look in that sweet, sweet boy's eyes.
That one that tells you everything.
I got a different look tonight..
I got the look that says all of the above..
That said all of that doesn't exist.
Somehow.. I have to believe that it does.
I just have to.

I'm not being the most eloquent tonight.
I just think I'm all thunk out.
Haha!
Imagine that.. Thinking on an empty tank!
I need to go to sleep..
I have to get up tomorrow.
Ha!
Yeah.. As opposed to the days I don't get up?
Yeah I know.. Verrrry funny!
Well.. I thought it was.
And Luke seemed to, as well.

I know it was a joke earlier..
That book: Pregnancy for Dummies.
But.. I'm so glad I'm not a teen mummy.
I'm so glad I'm not alone and scared
With a baby growing inside me.
I know I'll be a mum someday,
If it's what God has for me,
But I want it to be the right way..
Married and in love..
I feel so bad for all those little girls..
Little girls that have to raise a child.
Children raising children.
It's sad, really.
Feeling unloved and unwanted and unworthy.
My life is good, really.
I need to remember that.

Thank You.

2009-02-13T02:30:00.000-08:00

I just went back through
And read all my previous posts.
Every.
Single.
Last.
One.
Yeah it took an hour or so.. Ha!
Uhh..

I just wanted to take a minute or two
To thank the people who left comments.
I don't know how I missed them before..
My wonderful, amazing, beautiful sister.
I love you more than life itself.
I miss you so much.
I know you are still there for me.
I hope you know I'm here for you too.
We have been through so much..
I hope I can make you proud of me..
I hope I'm not just a stupid kid to you anymore.

Dad and Carrie..
Thanks.
I love you guys so much.
It was amazing seeing you.
I hope everything is going well..
What with raising money and being missionaries.
I'm so glad that you're where God wants you,
Even if it means I don't see you every week.
I hope Nick knows I love him too..
If he remembers me..
I'll always remember him, and you.
I'll always love you guys.
You truly helped me see sides of God
That I hadn't before..
You taught me not to look to men..
But to my Heavenly Father.
Somehow it's always different
When you hear it from someone other than your mum! [:
Haha!
My prayers are with you.

Commonplace.

2009-02-13T01:06:00.000-08:00

Is it just me..
Or is almost everyone "Bi"?
Yeah..
That's what I thought.
It seems to me the whole thing
Has turned into some kind of trend.
Being attracted to another girl,
Kissing another girl,
Maybe getting horny cuz of one,
Does not necessarily make you bi or les.
It's true.
[I say girl because I am one
But it applies to both sexes, obviously.]
Experimenting is one thing...
But I just can't understand having a long-term relationship
With someone of the same sex.
Maybe it's just me.
I mean,
Leaving religion out of the whole thing,
It just doesn't work.
Guy on guy.
Girl on girl.
People weren't MADE to mesh like that..
Or else I would be able to impregnate another girl..
Guys would be able to become pregnant.
And it just doesn't work that way..

I won't say I haven't ever been attracted to chicks.
I won't say that I haven't ever wondered.
That I haven't wanted to try things.
Experiment.
But long-term...
Yeah, I want a man.

Because that's just how it's supposed to be.
And,
In the end,
A real man is the only thing that will work for me.
Someone who isn't JUST like me.
But pretty darn close.
Someone who believes chivalry isn't dead,
But isn't sexist.
Doesn't look down on me.
Loves all the funky things about me.
Maybe he isn't artistic..
But he appreciates that I am?
I mean seriously..
How hard is that?
To really appreciate someone...
Why does it seem as though a lot of people
Aren't getting their love returned?
Not the right way, anyhow.
I don't get it.

Eh.. I know I'm just a little.. Hmm..
Well.. I'm prolly just in a romantic sort of mood right now.
But that's honestly what I want.
That's what I'm waiting for.
I'm not against having a boyfriend.
I just don't want to waste my time with ass holes.
I don't want to go into a relationship
That I KNOW will be short-term.
What's the point?
Having fun is great..
But why not have fun with someone that
Actually means something to you?

Yeah.
And I'd like to say something else:
Sex. Does. Not. Equal. Love.
Nope.
Sorry to shatter bubbles..
But seriously.
There are reasons they used to wait til marriage.
And one of those reasons is prolly that
Marriage is for LIFE..
I mean, it's supposed to be..
And when people have sex too early,
Their bodies will put off hormones that they will mistake for love.
It's not love, kids, it's lust.
Sex shouldn't be a given.
Sex should be important and significant.
It should also be fun.
And it's not for a million people, either.
Seriously,
There's a reason they call those girls sluts.
But you know what?
Those guys are whoring right along with the girls.
Sex takes two.
So Ya'll are sluts too.

Gah.
I guess I'm just ranting now..
I have just seen so many of my friends'
Lives go down the drain.
And I really wish that I could convince myself
That doing things the right way.
Having a brain.
Being beautiful, not slutty.
Being artistic.
Nerdy.
Having morals.
Not having a cookie cutter personality..
I wish I knew for sure that
There were guys that appreciated that..
That individuality really IS oh kay.
Cuz if it's not..
Well..
I'm screwed.
I can't be like anyone but me.
Hell, I'm still figuring out who ME is!
Yeah yeah yeah..
I'm being dramatic.
Whatever.
It's what I do.
I'm a drama nerd. :]
But seriously, at least I'm not causing drama.
Not making stupid problems for people.
At least I'm not stealing anyone's boyfriend..
Or ex-boyfriend.
I'm just good friends with a couple.
Ha!
Silly girls that are jealous of me..
Whatever.
Don't be jealous of something you know nothing about.
It's the hardest thing EVER
To be in love with your best [guy] friend.
Take it from me,
I've encountered it before.
And you know what?
I'm prolly about to go through it again..
And the fact that that first one didn't stick around long..
Well..
Let's just say THAT'S not a very comforting thought right now.
No.

So anyways..
Too many things are commonplace.
Homosexuality.
Sex.
Assholes.
Heart-shaped cookies.

Oh crud.
Valentine's Day is Saturday.
Day after tomorrow.
I totally forgot for.. A whole... Day.
Ha!
Ahh.. I'm totally lying to myself when I say I don't care.
Whatever!
Well.. At least I think I know what brought on this dumb-ass rant.
Geez.
Am I really THAT sad?
Do I really care that much?
I thought..
I thought for sure this year things would be different..
I had a boyfriend.
I loved him.
Turns out I wasn't in love.
But what the heck?
I totally thought..
I dunno what I thought..
Maybe that all that stuff I tell my friends..
About how amazing they are
And how they deserve better,
The Best,
Well..
I guess I thought that applied to me too.
Ah.
Oh well.
I'm only 18.
What the hell do I know?

Lack of Decision.

2009-02-08T02:11:00.001-08:00

That pretty much says it.
I am faced with a decision that,
Quite simply,
Does not exist.
It does not exist and yet I feel like..
Like I'm stuck in a lose/lose situation.
Or win/win.
Likelihood?
Ahh.. Who knows.
It's two A.M.
I'm tired.
And hyped up.
Tonight was the cast party..
And last show of The Gazebo,
At the Linkville Playhouse.
It was amazing.
I'm kind of sad it's over..
And yet tired and relieved..
I'll miss it, and everyone..
But it was a nice experience..
I definitely won't forget it.
Thank you,
To everyone,
It was memorable and amazing.
And...
Cookies are good. [:

Wow.
That was a pointless note, if ever I wrote one..

Reason.

2009-01-28T22:06:00.001-08:00

Nothing seems to make any sense.
I know it's there.
I can feel it.
I can brush the tip with my tongue,
Grasp just almost at the edge of my fingertips..
But just can't seem to reach it.
Reason.
This is too big for me to analyze.
Something I can't bite off,
Yet have,
And will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
I don't..
I can't..
I.. Ahh!
My brain is trying to analyze,
Trying to categorize,
Struggling to understand!
This isn't something I can do,
Yet must.
It's not something I would dare hope,
Yet I see it.
Not something I trust myself with,
Yet would never jeopardize.
Would never knowingly jeopardize.
Gah.. I feel like I'm rattling on...
As though this is my stumbling chance
To try and grasp the... Concept.
No.
Yes.
Concept.. Concept.. What is the concept?
Oh kay..
Concept would be that friendship is important.
Concept would be that you don't need another to complete you.
Concept would be that you DO.
Concept would be that I continue on as I always have.
Concepts, in application, falter.
Friendship is frail and laced with uncertainty.
Not needing someone to complete me.. Well..
It figures that I would come to that conclusion after
Being with always the wrong one.
Watching constantly as he wanders all over..
Perhaps so much so
That he is ruined to the concept as well..
Until he stands just over there,
Behind the glass wall,
Smiling and ever out of reach.
Oblivious.
That's what we are.
That's what we will remain,
I'm almost certain of it.
Continue on as I always have?
Certainly.
But what will it do to me this time?
Who will it affect, this time.
Is it my inaction that keeps me alive,
Or does it just keep me frozen and in stasis?
I don't understand.
I don't want to.
But I do.
Oh I do.
More than ever I do!
I want to know how my actions,
Or in my case inaction,
Will change the ones I love.
Or.... Care about.
Love is a funny word.
No one really understands it.
Not really.
I suppose it can't be understood.
How should someone know that I love them?
How should someone know it isn't necessarily romantic,
Isn't necessarily physical,
But isn't necessarily neglecting of those things either?
Such a complex emotion.
And it takes on so many forms.
How can people hate the idea of it?
Because they haven't encountered it
In an untainted form.
I suppose I can't promise the untainted, either.
I'm slipping.
They're starting to see behind my smile.
I'm starting to let it slide.
I'm not keeping watch.
I'm not staying on guard.
I must get my wall back up.
I MUST.
I must if I'm to survive.
Well.. If I'm to have some semblance of life.
I must especially if this goes on
For as long as I think it shall.
For as long as.... Hmm....
Dare I think it?
Dare I think that I'm only a diversion?
Something to be safe with..
To keep his mind off of... Things.
Until he finds.. What?
What do I expect him to find?
I know what.
Who.
That one person that will take chances.
Chances I dare not.
Someone who would unknowingly ruin it all.
Everything.
Once she comes along,
Be it someone new or a re-awakening of old love,
It will change everything.
And I'll be left again.
Even friendship has a price.
Even friendship has an end.
Even friendship has it's little deal breakers,
And I would undoubtedly be one.
My head is reeling.
My thoughts are spinning and mixing all over.
I need to just not think.
I need to stay calm.
But it won't work.
It will be detected.
It will be observed and attacked.
Put up the wall!
Ah.. But it will do no good.
For you and I both know, Love,
That I shant leave it up.
That it will crumble so quickly
I won't even know it was back up.
And I will ruin things by either hiding my feelings,
Or showing them.
Isn't that how it works?

Walking in the rain...

2009-01-22T00:00:00.001-08:00

Today was something special.
I'm not sure how to explain it, exactly.
It seemed like a turning point, somehow.
I'm not sure in which direction I have turned..
Just that I have.

I do know one thing for sure;
When she says it's oh kay,
It's not.
When she says she's oh kay,
She's not.
No matter what I do,
It will get worse.
It's impending.
She needs me now more than ever but..
I feel that she's recoiling.
It's because of the other one...
Well.. Not him, exactly.
Me.
My choices.
They are fine.
She and I are fine.
He and I are fine.
But we.. WE are not fine.
Not at all.
And of course she wouldn't tell me..
She wouldn't say anything is wrong.
That I'm in the way.
That she would rather I wasn't there.
No.
No of course not.
She wouldn't want to hurt me.
And maybe she doesn't even realize it's me.
Hasn't put the pieces together yet.
But she will.
And I don't know what will come of us then.
I just don't know.

Tonight was lovely.
I had a good time..
Besides feeling like a thorn in her side..
I did have fun.
I actually feel guilty.
I realized this.
I. Feel. Guilty.
Why?
I just do.
Back to the point..
Youth in Keno was great..
William and Luke are hilarious.
They walked me home in the rain,
And swore to wear purple suit
And top hat tomorrow.
And maybe a tux. :D
We'll see.

It's impending.
It's all impending.
It's a storm that's waiting to break
And crash all about me.
Reinforcing strong holds
And tearing down bridges.
It's impending.
Tonight there was only a shower...
Ah but it was lovely..
I can only hope, pray, for more like this one..

It was a good day..

2009-01-18T13:45:00.000-08:00

I hate knowing that I'm not good enough.
I hate realizing that I don't understand.

Today was good.
It started that way.
Church was nice,
lunch was nice,
and now we are going to go listen to nice poems.

But I think it isn't good for him..
I think that I don't know what to think.
And it makes me sad.
And a little lost.
I don't know what to do.
I think I might have already messed up..

I did something..
I did something wrong.
I must have, although I don't know what it is.

Failing me as a friend...
underlying unconscious knowing, understanding..
Failing me as a friend.

Where did it come from?
What caused this?
I wish I could talk to him...

My "Black"..

2009-01-13T23:07:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, my friend asked
What I want to do with my life.
I didn't know what to do with the question.
I told him my plans like college and profession.
I didn't realize that none of that is really it.
Those are things I might do, or experience,
But they aren't my life.
Don't define my life.
My life is a twisting and turning trail
of the unknown.
What I know, though, is that
I want to do something worth doing.
I want to be with someone for the sake of being with them.
I want to love unconditionally.
I want to live with no regrets, no restraints,
And not let fear hold me back.
I want to accomplish all that I dream I can.
I want to be set on fire and let out to sea when I die.
No casket.
I want to find myself.
I want to not be afraid to express myself.
I want to try new things.
I want to travel.
Learn things and see places instead of only imagining.
I want to have a home in Ireland, that I can visit.
Most likely end up alone,
Not find that "One True Love" everyone is raving about.
But never truly alone, because I have my family.
My real family.
Blood runs thicker than water..
Family.
Meagan and Ben and mum and
Leah and Holly and Ellora and.. Luke?
We'll see..
One of my friends calls this my black.
To be content where I am.
To not screw things up for myself.
To live in the dark.
Not expressing specific thoughts or feelings
For fear of losing what amazing relationships I have.
He sees no point in this.
But, nonetheless, it is what I know.
Have always known.
It is what I do.
And I'll be oh kay with it.
Well... I will make peace with it at any rate.
Just give me some time,
And leave me to my lovely dark corner to think and brood..
I'll be fine.

Third thing I'm learning..

2009-01-11T19:54:00.001-08:00

I'm learning a lot about what I think.
And about what I feel.
What little things go into making me tick.
I'm discovering things about myself
I didn't know were there.

For instance:
I'm not in love with who I thought I was.
I'm afraid of hurting people.
I like my comfort zone.
I am ripped apart when I can't see Leah and Luke.
Observation could be my downfall; Could be my safe haven.
I like to pray.
I feel vulnerable if you know how I feel; what I think.
I miss my sister, brother-in-law, and dad.
I sometimes dread school.
I am not certain of much.
The more I get that look, the more stupid I feel.
I will bury my feelings if I let myself,
and torture myself with them.
I feel drawn to alcohol.

I will address that last one.
I have made some stupid decisions.
I don't know if they are all mistakes,
but I would have been better of without.
I am not always the strongest person.
I'm not sure I understand cravings; needs.
But I do know that drinking is something I need not do.
In fact, I need to stay away from alcohol altogether.
I refuse to become my father, my father's father, my mother's father..
I refuse to be helpless in this one thing.
I'm not always the strongest person.
I might need help with a lot of things,
but I think I just won't do this.
Not this weekend.
Not next.
And maybe not for the rest of my life.
Because, damn it all, things just aren't that bad.
And how pathetic am I if I want it that bad?
The consequences are too great.
I need my brain cells [:

About the love thing..
I don't know if it's my fault or not.
I just know that it can't be helped now.
My heart has moved on and.. Yes. It's moved on.
I see possibilities that I hadn't before.
Maybe someday I will be loved for who I am.
All of me.
Perhaps even think my strangeness is cute. Sexy?
And someone will be strong in the ways I'm not,
and I can be the same for him, whoever he is.
Somehow, a perfect fit.
Puzzle pieces.
Nothing else will do.
That's what I must hope for.
That's why I wait.
That's why I won't say anything.

I miss my sister.
I actually like her.
A lot.
I want to be around her.
I want her to tell me I was stupid.
I want her to laugh at my antics.
I love her more than life.
Why does it have to be 3,000 miles again?
I know God has a plan.. It's just not the easiest to understand.

Burying my feelings is just something I do.
And then I bring them out every once in a while,
and they are stronger than ever before!
This is a problem.
I would explain why but.. That would give too much away [:

Leah is my best friend in the whole wide world.
She is, and forever will be, my oldest friend.
I have known her for most of my life,
and have been tagging along with her for most of that time.
She is my air.
My heart is torn apart when she's gone.

Luke is quickly becoming my best friend.
Hmm.. I don't like the term best friend anymore.
He is becoming.. No. Has become a life line of sorts.
A touch of reality.
A reminder that trust isn't always misplaced.
He understands me and doesn't treat me like an idiot.
He smiles.
He listens.
He has profound things going on inside his head.
I'm just barely skimming the surface of the vast mechanism
of what makes Luke, Luke.
I want to learn, and understand, how he thinks and what he feels.
I love that there is someone out there that gets it besides my Leah.
I don't know how he does it, but somehow, he makes me comfortable.
Like I can relax.
Like for a moment I'm safe.
He's a good friend.
I wouldn't trade that friendship, our friendship, for anything [:

The rest of it.. Well.. I can't explain.
It would take too long.
There is just too much that goes into what makes me... Me.
I know it's just so original and all but..
I think maybe the whole point of this
writing it all down thing is to try and understand myself.
To love myself, maybe.
It's a slow process,
But I'm getting there [:

I'm also crocheting a checkered scarf 0_o

Second thing I'm learning.

2008-12-26T15:21:00.000-08:00

Well the second thing
I need to learn is that
There are people I can trust
There are people who care
And who can maybe understand.
I have found one of these people.
He must be the third one I have
Ever encountered.
Well, besides me mum :]
I guess I don't have to keep my mouth shut.
Not all the time..
I guess I can voice my opinions
Without worrying I'll crush him.
He is such a good friend to me.
Invaluable.
And it has all happened in such a short time..
I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything.
Today is a good day.

I miss my air.
I miss my Leah.
Nothing,
No one,
Can or will ever replace her,
Or take away how I feel when I'm around her,
Or talking to her,
Or about her.
How proud of her I am.
How much I love her.
But Hat help make it more bearable..
Hat, and his owner :D

I love you Leah.
I always will♥

First thing I'm learning.

2008-12-26T12:31:00.000-08:00

Ah the things I'm learning.
Big one right now would be
To keep my mouth shut.
Doesn't matter if I know I can trust him.
What the hell am I doing?!
KEEP. MY. MOUTH. SHUT.
Give him just enough to let him think,
Let him ponder,
Let him believe he knows.
Maybe this is what I meant,
About the truth being another form of trickery.
Perhaps.
How can I just not respond now?
He knows too much.
I told him too much.
And even if I hadn't,
He's not the easiest person to fool.
He's insightful.
Damnit.
After everything we've talked through now..
How am I going to face him,
Like normal,
When he knows things about me maybe
One other person knows.
Granted he doesn't know everything..
But enough.
And.. Geez give it enough time
And maybe he will.
Know everything.
That would just be weird.
For him to know more
Than the guy I was in love with?
Why do I feel like I can trust him more..?

I do love his hat tho :D

THIS is what I believe in.

2008-12-24T21:00:00.000-08:00

I AM the crushing force..

2008-12-19T13:59:00.000-08:00

He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me
He loves me and wants to be with me

I don't even know how many times he said it..
That's how much he did.
And I couldn't feel anything.
I was completely numb.
And.. I think I might still have feelings
for someone else, someone that was before Joe..
And I was so numb, I couldn't even feel that!
And I didn't know what to do..
And I continued to not feel a thing,
even through his breaking down,
until he told me he had been in the hospital
TWICE this week.
And I had no idea.
No one contacted me.
Then I cried a little.
Is that the best I can do?!
Crying a little??
I never thought I'd get so low..
To the point where I'm the one causing all the pain.
No matter what I say or don't say,
It happens.
It did happen.
It will happen.
I don't deserve to make it through,
Or be happy, at this point.
I would gladly sacrifice this existence,
For a couple others to have their happiness back.
To have it and keep it.
But I don't get to do that, do I?
No.
I'll have to live with this, constantly knowing,
That all I do is hurt the people that love me most.
And even by warning them to stay away,
I'm sure that will hurt as well.
But maybe not as much as it would in the long run of sticking by me.

Re-prioritizing..

2008-12-19T00:03:00.000-08:00

I was going to write about
How freaked out I was tonight.
About the things I've been thinking and feeling.
About something that's been haunting me,
That I only told one person about.
[Not counting my other half. Of course she knows.]
It's weird that she knows,
Because she will ask if I've done it and..
No I haven't.
But does it only count if you've just thought about it?
Or toyed with it?
Or if you use something besides a.. well.. you know.
No I haven't done it yet.
I won't promise that I won't, though.

The thing is,
I was reading a friend's blog..
And, Damn.
It makes me ashamed to even think I deserve
To feel pain.
I don't.
Not compared to my friends.
Not compared to these people I love.
Who hold so much pain inside themselves.
Who have to release it through unconventional means..
Like I did.
Except wasn't I just toying with it?
I wasn't serious.
I'm a pansy.
I can't even do the bad things properly.
And yet these girls.. They can.
It makes me sick.
How pathetic am I?
That I have to do something like that..
When I have no reason.
When I should just be happy.
Or even when I am happy,
But I still want to.

Maybe that's the difference.
They are strong.
Maybe I'm not.

I can't promise I won't do it again.
But I can promise I will hide it properly.
I will not show anyone.
No one will know.
Because it isn't important.
I'm not.
Not compared to them.
Now if only there were something I could do....

I was fine until..

2008-12-10T17:48:00.000-08:00

Why does this happen?
I was fine.
I was fine.
Yeah.
I was fine until my good friend
Asked how life was..
I was fine until I started thinking about it.
I was fine until I started sorting it.
I was fine until I started feeling it.
I was fine until I had to re-stash it.
I was fine until I was left alone with it.

Starting to sound like a never ending cycle.
It sounds a lot like me a week ago..
Oh God,
It was only a week ago?
It was was only a week ago.

I'm shaking.
I'm actually shaking.
And I feel all sped up and
Stuck in a numb slow-motion simultaneously..
I'm so messed up.
Or maybe I'm finally letting myself out..
Of my head or wherever it is that selves hide.
Sure, she has a serval,
but isn't that what I told her?
We just aren't hiding it.
Except,
I am.
I need to, it seems.
I don't care what other people think.
Or how they might react.
It's me I don't know about.

There's this quote..
"Me, I'm dishonest.
And you can always trust
the dishonest to be dishonest.
It's the honest ones you have to watch out for,
Honestly, because you never know
when they're going to do something..
Incredibly.. Stupid."

That's me.
You never know what I might do.
Well, I never know.
You might.
Seeing as how everyone knows me,
And I'm so predictable.
Good for you.
Pat yourself on the back
For understanding the predictable girl.
Excuse me while I go do something predictable,
And try to wipe everything out of my mind.
And you know what?
Fuck you,
Whoever you are...
I'm not really sure yet, but there are a couple of you.
And of course they are the ones
Who won't ever see these words...
But what the hell?
I just really wanted to say it.
Get it out of my system.
Fuck you.

PS> Holly,
If you read that one,
I'm sorry.
I'm not proud of myself,
But for the first time in a while I don't care.
And I wasn't talking to you.
And It wasn't your fault.
You helped me a lot today.
I missed you.
And besides,
I was bound to be depressed today.
It's been a week, today...

Waiting..

2008-12-10T14:49:00.000-08:00

Bored bored BORED!!
I'm so bored..
I wanna go play games.
I wanna kill things!
[Call of Duty 4]
Call me Luke!
Gah!!
I'm about to leave anyways...
If he doesn't hurry up and call me..
Well I'll go anyways.
Need to shoot things.
Need to see the friendly faces of my friends.
Need to see Luke.
And Daely.
And Kyla and Vittoria and Buck and
Emily and That One Guy...
Uh.. Daniel, I think.
Yeah.
I guess I'll get off my butt and go, then..

Writer's block.

2008-12-08T00:25:00.000-08:00

Now tell me why it is
That I can pull that shit
Out of my ass
But can't get my own novel started?
Damnit.
She's counting on me to start this.. but....
I don't know if I have what it takes.
When do I ever?
I'm not particularly good at any one thing.
I'm just a passing artist.
A barely listenable vocalist/musician.
I don't hurt your eyes to look at me but...
Beautiful is not the word.
Just once I want to start something,
Not quit,
And succeed.
And be really really good.
Why can't I have my dreams too?
Why must I always find myself stuck..

Loved and lost.

2008-12-07T22:02:00.000-08:00

He thinks I'm mad.
Thinks I'm angry.
I'm not angry.
Well,
Maybe a little.
But not at him.
I'm angry
Because I let myself get involved.
Get attached.
Get trampled.
Not by him but by my emotions.
I let myself get caught up in a fantasy.
Something I thought was worth dreaming about.
Something I could hold onto.
Well,
It was a nice dream.
But the thing about dreams,
Is that eventually,
You have to wake up.
I had to wake up.
And even though it was his idea
To blow the whistle on the whole thing
I don't think he has.

I can't stand to hear his voice.
It's not the same as it was.
In fact,
It's worse.
Much much worse.
When we were just friends before,
We had no history.
But now,
Now we have six months of it.
And I can't stand to hear his voice.
Especially not when he says those words.
Those three words.
The three lil tiny ones that..
For lack of a better phrase,
Pack a punch.
He's just not allowed to say that anymore.
He's just not.
I mean,
How do you,
In essence,
Tell someone you don't want them bad enough
To be with them,
And then profess your love?
No.
You can't do that.
I was a wreck yesterday.
It ruined me for two days.

All I wanted was him.
Totally and completely.
And what he gave me were words.
Not promises exactly,
But hope.
Hope I told him I wanted no part of.
And yet he insisted.
Insisted there was hope.
For the both of us.
Together.

And now it's gone.
And he just doesn't understand what it's done.
What it's done to me.
He doesn't lose anything.
He still has me as a friend.
As there as I ever was before.
But he can't have my heart.
Not right now.
It is too broken.
I need to keep it locked up for a while.
I'm on the edge of jumping into a deep, black puddle.
A deep, black, endless puddle.
One with no edge
No depth.
No beginnning
And no end.
I want to crawl back into my hole.
My safe lil hole.
My dark, depressing yet safe, lil hole.
I want to hide there.
I can't stand to hear his voice.
It hurts too much.
He just doesn't understand the magnitude.
What exactly he has done.
What he has done by refusing to do.... Anything.

He spoke to my heart.
He caressed it and said loving things to it.
He told it it was worth while
And that he would always love it.
That he would wait for it,
As long as it takes.
And then without realizing it
He slowly grabbed hold of it
Lifted it above his head
And smashed it on the ground.
You know how long it takes
To clean up that sort of mess?
How much energy is required?
I have had to slowly stitch it together
Piece by piece.
And it's still not whole.
No where near.
I have to protect it.
Shield it.
Hide it.

And then he says those words.
Like nothing has happened.
As though my heart can handle it.
Like this is any other day less than a week ago.
But it's not.
And he says those words...
And when he does,
All my work.
All the mending and careful attention
That I payed to myself all
Gets thrown down the dispose-all.
Crushed and torn and shredded.
That's how I felt when we had hung up.
And then I was barricaded again.
The walls went up.
Those trusty impenetrable walls.

And he still doesn't understand.
I want him to love me.
I do.
That's all I want.
I was even thinking up crazy schemes
To make it possible.
I even considered going back to before.
I considered doing this half time thing.
I wanted him to prove it.
To fight for it.
To want to be with me so bad it... hurts.
The way it did me.
But he can't.
Because he doesn't.
Not the way he thinks he does.
If he did
He would tell me:
In person.

And I can't make him love me.
And I wouldn't want to.
If he doesn't feel it now
He never will.

So now I guess I just wait.
Wait for him to figure it out.
To move on.
So I can.

Because as ridiculous as it is
As long as he hasn't completely rejected me
My stupid heart wants to believe
More than anything
That any moment now
He will call me
Tell me it was a big mistake
That he wants me more than anything
That he's coming
Or on his way
Or here already.
He will cry or beg or plead or just say
"Baby I need you. I know that now."
That he will mean it.
That he will need me.
I need him to need me.

But see that's insane.
I know he doesn't need me.
I know it's not going to happen that way.
Those wishes are the stuff of fairy tales.
And this is not one.
It could have been...
But it's just not.
Who am I kidding.
This is my life.
Those things don't happen to me.
They just don't.
I'm a spectator.
I watch while life happens to others.
Good things and bad.
But life all the same.
While it passes me by.
It seems to know I don't want what it offers.
And yet,
That's all I want.
Is it true?
That's it's better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all...?
I'll let you know in a couple years.
When I think back on this
And still feel that familiar ripping inside.
I'll let you know.

Fact and fiction..

2008-12-04T11:52:00.000-08:00

Fact:
I am a whiny bitch!
Fiction:
I'm going to find a bus ticket somewhere and just see.
Fact:
I am a whiny bitch!
Fiction:
I was good enough for him.
Fact:
I don't want anything to do with weed.
Fiction:
I love to be left alone!
[Oh kay maybe that should go under both categories..]
Fact:
I'm a whiny bitch!
Fiction:
I have boys just lined up. And I'm glad!
Fact:
I deserve someone better.
Fiction:
I deserve someone better.
Fact:
He deserves someone better.

The list could go on and on..
I woke up this morning realized that I felt..
I dunno what.
It wasn't deep throbbing pain tho,
For some reason.
It's probably my defense mechanism saving me.
And convincing me I've moved on already.
I love myself for it,
Really I do,
But I need to find out if it's true or not..

That's where the brainstorming comes in..
Everything involves money.
I can't find out for sure over the phone.
I could see if I care about him but..
Not the other way 'round.
And it wouldn't be a true indication.
I have to see him.
I don't see that happening soon really.
Especially since he's not willing to.
Whatever.

Fact:
We're both whiny bitches.
Fiction:
He'll come back to me.
I know he will.
Yeah.
Sure.

The facts...

2008-12-03T23:19:00.000-08:00

Oh kay so I thought it only fair
That I set the record straight.
Even if only for myself
So I don't grow angry and bitter and old.
And so my friend doesn't start
Scaring people into witness protection.
Yesh she's crazy but I lov'er!

Oh kay.
So here they are,
The facts.
Phone call.
Lightweight conversation.
Conversation turned heavy fast.
Heavy turned "What if?"
What if we took a break.
What if we waited.
Chilled til after school.
What if we're rushing.
I can't leave now I know I can't.
[That wasn't me]
What if you came here.
What if we just get our lives sorted out first.
What if we try again later.
What if we made a mistake maybe?
[That part was in my head.
I thought that's what he was thinking..]
And what if turned to
Him-"I want this to be a mutual decision.
I don't want any heart break."
Me-"That can't be avoided."
Him-"I know."
And then
Him-"We aren't breaking up,
We're just taking a break.."
And
Him-"Hey you're still technically my girlfriend."
Me-"No. I'm not. I'm just here
Until you decide you want me again.."
Him-"............."
[That was silence.]
Then there was the bit about
Him trying to get me to accept a
Christmas present
And what did I want it to be..
And then me saying
I'm sorry I have to go
And hanging up because
I couldn't hold it in any longer..
Thus the earlier blog.

So there are the facts.
Anna,
No bodily harm?
He is a sweet guy.
And I still love him.
It's not his fault.
And I'm not angry.
Not really.
I'm actually very proud of him.
He did what he believes he has to do
To get his life straight and to be
"Fixed"

Somehow I forgot to mention to him
That he shouldn't try and go it alone...
But I think I would hate myself if I had.
I mean seriously.
Aren't I doing enough sniveling and whining
and pouting and sobbing online?
Yeah...
No trickery.
No "But baby I love I can help you wah wah wah!"
Yeah..
He doesn't need that.
It's all true but,
He doesn't need that.
He needs me to support him and..
Not sound different.
Well I'll try babe, really I will..
But I can't guarantee the not different part.
Not for a while.
Not while it still hurts.
And now it gets redundant..

But Hey!
Maybe someday I won't be so pathetic
That I have to write five blogs
About my ex
In one day!
Oh,
There is something to look forward to......

Different..

2008-12-03T17:42:00.000-08:00

He said I sound different.
Not like my usual self.
She says I'm taking it out on her.
Says what I had was real,
Unlike her.
Hmm..
Yes,
I sound different.
No,
I'm not taking it out on you.
You my best friend
Who I care about above even the man I love..
No.
I'm not taking it out on you.
You are kicking yourself because you know how I feel.
And you know I'm right.
And you know that it's your choices that keep you from this.
This beautiful pain I'm in.
It's still better,
I think,
Than the pain of not knowing real love at all..
And I'm not really mad.
I'm not mad at boy.
And I'm not mad at best friend..
I'm just hurt.
And taking my mind off of it.. well...
It isn't going to happen.
No matter what.
And it took me all day to finally stop lying to myself
That it would.
I acted like I didn't want to think about it..
When really that was the only thing I thought about.
Scenario after scenario..
And then he called a bit ago.
Yeah.
I sound different.
I don't sound like my normal self.
Well, my normal, that is.
Yeah I don't sound like.. Me.
Cuz half of me is missing.
And I don't know if I'll ever get her back..

How stupid would it be to try and get a bus ticket?
Like One-Way?
Like to say.. Hmm.. The Tri-Cities Washington?
When is it doing something stupid for a boy..
And following your heart?
Would he have me?
Or was this his kind, sweet way of telling me
We really were insane to even try,
That it was a nice thought,
A nice memory,
A nice try.
But not what is meant to be..

My sister.
My wonderful, dear, loving sister..
Well,
She told me "Don't make your decision because of a boy."
Didn't she move to Washington for a boy?
Granted they were engaged..
Beside the point!
Ah!
How is it I just heard his voice in my head telling me
"It is the point."
He used to always tell me that.
Whenever I said it was beside the point,
Whatever the point was,
That's what he would tell me....

I had a sickly fascinating fight with myself today.
Sickly, being the key word.
Sickly.
Sick.
I'm sick.
I haven't been to school since Monday..
But I think I feel worse just above my stomach,
In my heart,
In my head.
So,
That fight I was talking about?
Yeah.
Lemme see if I can re-cap properly..
Hmm...
"You know you're relieved"
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are. It's what you wanted.
You just didn't know how to make it happen without
Hurting him."
"That's not true!"
It's not it's not true it's not!"
"Yes it is. You're already thinking how nice it would be
To have a boyfriend who can actually hold you.
Kiss you.
Tell you you're beautiful cuz he thinks so."
"No! I love him! I do!"
"Yeah... But are you in love with him?"
"Yes! Yes yes I am! I am!
Right?
Yes Damnit I do!"
Yeah..
It went on like that for hours..
Never really ended actually.
Let me just point out something:
Don't walk along a busy street
While fighting with your inner self.
It's not really a good idea.
Yeah, No.
Just take it from me.
Kay?
Kay!

Hmm... I believe my rambling has gotten
Worse this time 'round..
Yeah?
I think so.

Hmm..
How do girls just say
"I don't want to be pregnant anymore."?
It doesn't really work that way.
Don't ask how I got off on this subject cuz,
Believe it or not it's from One Tree Hill.
Yes,
I'm watching One Tree Hill.
And Uh,
Brooke just decided she can't
Be pregnant.
Wow.
This is true rant worthy material.
The whole concept of abortion
Is one that disgusts me!
It's murder in it's purest form.
Truly, it is.
On a slightly different note,
How do you convince someone
Who's parents tried to abort them
That they really are worth loving?
That you love them.
Because I still do.
Hmm.. A bus ticket sounds awfully nice..
But I can't just run away from my life, can I?
I wouldn't have anywhere to go.
I'm not afraid.
I am but, I could do it to be with him but..
He couldn't.
Does that mean he doesn't love me enough?
No.. It doesn't.
It just means.. What?
We rushed things.
We aren't meant for each other.
He loves his home too much to leave.
He... Uh... Damnit.
I dunno.
I'm making this up as I go along I suppose.
This is just me being crazy and
Wishing things were different.
Wishing there was something I could do.
I could help him, if he would let me.
But he won't.
He can't.
I love him so much.
And he loves me but...
His fear is stronger I suppose.
And that means..
That means what?

Is this when I figure out
If I'm gonna be strong for him?
Or for me?
And which is which?
Where does one begin and the other end?
I guess it's just me being here and..
Staying here and..
Moving on and..
Letting him be.
And trying not to sound...
Disappointed and
Heartbroken and
Lonely and
Afraid and...
Different.

Oh wow.
My best friend thinks she's worthless.
Great!
Could I fail any more?
No.
I don't think I could.
Yeah.
I've hit the bottom.
Yay me!
Lost my boyfriend and best friend
In 24 hours.
Yeah.
I rock.
GO ME!!
Uh huh...

Guess it's a good thing no one reads this..
Wouldn't want anyone to think I'm..
Different.
Ha!
Sorry I just couldn't resist..
Of course I'm different.
I pride myself in that.
I just never.. Well..
Recently I didn't really believe I'd end up alone.
And now I will.
I have.
Three cheers for me.
I'm such a winner.

It's real...

2008-12-03T11:33:00.000-08:00

Well I realized this morning
That this is really happening.
He hasn't called,
Hasn't taken anything back like before..
He's serious.
This is it.
And, wow, it's my fault...
And I wasn't even the one that said those words..
I wonder if he remembers,
I was the one who said before,
"I want this to be a mutual decision.."
Those were my words..
He stole them last night.
Word for word.
And I let him.
Damnit!
Fight for it?
Fight for it?
How do you fight,
When you know he doesn't want you to?
I wanted to.
With all I had.
I wanted to.....

Back to the beginning..

2008-12-03T01:06:00.000-08:00

I'm single again.
I guess I'm back to the beginning..
Somehow it feels harder this time.
Before,
It was just my life..
Now,
I don't know how to be this anymore....

He's right..

2008-12-02T23:43:00.000-08:00

He's right.
I can't take this.
I can't handle this...
I did break down.
Am in the process of breaking down..
That was the first time
I have ever had to literally hang up the phone
because I couldn't control my sobbing..
I can't even control it now.
Babe,
for your sake and mine,
I hope you don't read this one.
Maybe I shouldn't have told you there were more..
I don't know.
All I know is...
Well,
That you have to do what you need to do.
I already know what I need.
I need you.
And now,
I'm just broken..
I know that's not what you meant to happen.
And it's not even your fault.
I just hurt.
All inside and outside..
I go through stages of numbness,
of "No it's not true this isn't happening!"
But mostly,
I'm just hurting..
I love you so much.
I really do.
And...
I can't even think about thinking about anyone else.
Damnit.
I'm sorry!
I'm so so sorry!
I'm such a mess..
I should be supporting this!
I need to be happy for you..
Getting things straight and working out your life..
Trying to make things right..
For you and me and the future us..
If there is one.
Will there be a future us?
Do you want that?
Why does it feel like I've just lost you...
Was this one of those times
when I'm supposed to fight back?
I mean... You did.
That one night..
You did.
You said you love me and.. you'd do anything..
Wait as long as it takes...
And now,
I'm the one waiting.
And I don't know.. I don't know how long..
How long I'll be waiting..
Or if I should..
Maybe I should move on with myself..
Not anyone else but..
You know I've always been better off alone..
It's just how I am.
I'll be fine.
Don't worry.
Be happy.
You know I'll be here if you need me.
When you need me.
Probably even when you call tomorrow
or the next day.
Just don't expect my heart to be there right away..
It might not be back for a while..
It might need some time..
It might need to do a little bit
of sitting alone and healing..
Like I'm doing now.
I know I'm not done crying over you yet..
But maybe eventually I will be.
Maybe.
Probably not.
But that's not what I'm going to tell you.
What I'm going to tell you is...
Just that I'm oh kay.
And I will be oh kay.
And you should be too.
Oh kay?
Just do me a favor?
Do what you have to do
And don't be afraid of maybe moving on..
Cuz I think you will..
I know you will always love me.
Just like you will always love Angela.
But you aren't with her are you?
Just know that I'll always love you too.
Because I will.
And I'm sorry if the spelling is all wrong..
I can't really see what I'm typing..................... . . . . .

I do...

2008-11-30T13:22:00.000-08:00

"I do love you, you know.."
That's what he said.
That's what he said after our fight..
The fight that we had on our six month anniversary.
That was a fun night.
Don't worry..
I'm not that much of a freak.
I don't really think it was fun.
That was just my sarcasm kicking in.
Well.. Actually, it never kicks off.
It's always there.
My constant companion.
Seems to always make things better,
When, in reality, it only makes them worse.
But enough about my fire-wall...
I was writing this because..
Well...
Because I never conclude things.
I only write when I'm at my lowest, it seems.
I don't go farther,
don't let myself, my journal, or anyone else
know when things have gotten better..
Or not changed at all.
So here it is.
I think things are a little better..
I mean I talked to the boyfriend the other night..
[note: the fight on our six month]
And I wasn't mad anymore...
But you know,
I don't think I was mad in the first place..
I was..
Confused,
Aching,
Suspended,
Frustrated,
I felt stuck.
I felt helpless..
I felt like it was my fault..
The truth is I dunno who's fault it is..
I think it's both of ours.
For wanting something this bad
We sure have a funny way of showing it.
And like I said this goes for me too.
We are doing great.
Then hit something rough,
and give up..
We give up over and over and over again..
I guess since we have the chance to give up so many times
that means eventually we work things out..
And that is partially true.
But really it's just a sucky way to do things.
When we have a problem... Or I do... Whatever.
We should talk about it..
Figure it out.
Get it all out in the open,
Open and messy and bleeding..
Then get it cleaned up.
And do it together.
Why does it take a blow out for us to do this?
Why can't we open up to each other..?
Are we so wounded that..
We can't trust the one person closest to us?
The person that means everything
And the promise that without them there's nothing..
Maybe that's just it.
The one person who can mean so much to me...
Maybe that's the one person I'm afraid to get too close to..
Scared shitless, actually.
I'm a bag full of issues..
I don't claim to have my head on straight..
He is the one guy that has proven me wrong..
Not all men are the same, I suppose.
Mm.. No.
That's not right either.
I guess I meant..
Not all men are destined to reject me.
For whatever reason.
Whether he doesn't realize he's done it,
Or he's an ass,
Or just a teenage boy who is told what he should want..
Or just in it for sex.
[Yeah, THAT'S not gonna happen!]
Or a father who didn't really know how to be one..
[I can't blame him tho, in his weird way he loves me..]
I guess what I'm trying to say is..
Maybe I do need to try harder too..
Sure he needs to not give up so easily.
Be a man and fight for me, you know?
But geez.. He's just as messed up as I am.
Maybe I need to fight for him too.
Show up the best friend.
[No offense to him. Not trying to replace him or anything..]
Show him I do love him.
I do, baby, I do.

Six Months......

2008-11-28T12:07:00.001-08:00

That's how long it's been.
Six months.
Give or take a few hours here and there,
Due to lack of sleep or frustration,
Or just being left to my thoughts for too long...
Six months.
It's a long time.
Feels as though it's been an eternity..
That it has passed in the blink of an eye..
Six months and we're still in the same place we started.
We have come full circle, yet again.
And yet again I am questioning.
We must be insane.
I'm certain that we are.
The thing is,
You don't understand,
Do you?
You are just waiting for the inevitable.
Waiting and pushing.
You think if you push,
You'll see how dedicated I am.
Gauge how much I care.
See if I really love you more,
Or am I the same as everyone else?
There is a small part of me that can understand
All the testing,
Pushing,
Teasing..
But where will it stop?
When will it end?
You won't be satisfied until forever.
And you're right,
I won't do this forever.
It's not us I won't do.
It's this.
Without realizing it
Your pushing and taunting is tearing me down.
Tearing down everything I am and believe in.
Tearing down our relationship.
I can't let that continue.
I know you don't want to lose this..
What is it you seek to gain?
Do you have a time limit?
Do you have a certain point
At which you'll just accept my love?
Darling,
It's been six months.
And if it hasn't happened by now
It won't at all.
Don't try and put this one on me.
Don't try and say
"I knew this would happen,"
Or
"You did leave, just like everyone else has.."
Because if it ends here,
It won't be because of me,
It will be because you couldn't handle it.
Because you were too afraid,
And too weak,
To fight for us.
You give up too easy, you know?
Maybe I want you be stubborn enough not to let it go..
Like that night.
Remember that night?
That was the end, remember?
But you wouldn't let go.
At first you did.
At first it was the usual
"I fucked up I know.. You don't really love me.. Just forget me.."
Bullshit that I've had to deal with..
But then something clicked,
You came around and said this was it,
This was it and you weren't ever letting go of it.
I thought that meant something.
I thought that meant you would keep up your end.
I cried for you.
Tears I've not cried for anyone,
Have been shed for you.
And now you treat me like shit,
just to see how long I'll put up with it...
Damn it!
I love you!
That's why I do this...
Not because I'm trying to be strong
Or stick it out longer than anyone else..
I'm doing this because I love you.
But what if love isn't enough?
Right about there is when you give up.
If you have gotten this far,
I'm impressed.
Now, were you listening?
Are you hearing this?
Or have you already sunk into the usual hole?
The "Well I guess I fucked up again.. Like I always do. Always will.." hole.
Buck up, be a man, and actually try
And solve the problem for once!
I'm not asking you to change who you are,
I'm asking you to stop cowering behind those lame ass walls..
The ones that won't let me in,
And push me farther away.
Because I only need so much pushing
Before I take the hint and take off.
You really are acting as though ultimately, that's what you want.
If it is, then fine.
I'll do it.
I'll leave.
And you can believe whatever you want about it.
Because if you haven't gotten it by now,
Haven't heard any of it,
Then it's pointless.
Why even try?
Maybe I need to go mend my own broken heart now..
Seeing as how you won't let me near yours.
So Darling,
Don't you dare say it was because of me.
Your heart was already broken.
And no one can fix it for you,
Which is what you expected of me.
I'm only human.
And I don't have the power to mend broken hearts.
There is only One who does,
But you don't want to hear about that..
Don't you dare say you'll die because of this.
Because of me.
That I was the only thing worth holding onto.
That us was the only thing worth holding onto.
If that was true you would have held a bit tighter.
You would have at least tried to hold up your end.
Remember my conditions?
The ones I gave you that night?
The ones that said don't break my heart again?
Yeah, those.
You broke them.
You did.
You sunk back in.
You swore you wouldn't.
You said it wasn't gonna happen again.
I believed you.
And it lasted longer this time, it's true.
But it still came back.
And don't you dare say
It was because you always fuck things up.
Don't you dare.
Don't even think it.
There is always a choice.
There is always a decision.
And you are the one who keeps it going.
That vicious cycle.
Not because you are fated to.
Or because you "fail at life".
But because that is the only thing you can count on.
And so you do.
And you push everyone else away.
You push me away.
I can't live like this.
Be my reality or don't.
But don't expect me to pine for you any longer.
Don't expect me to be waiting in a couple years
When you decide you're ready.
Because by then I might be gone.
It might be too late.
No, I'll never forget you, don't think that.
Yes, I'll always love you, no matter what.
But seed sown on stony ground bears no fruit.

If you want to believe this is me giving up again.
Me being a pussy.
Not pushing you enough,
Not being strong enough for you,
Then I'm sorry.
You will believe what you want,
I know that.
But that's not what this is.
This is: My final push,
My final shove,
The last thing I can do to make you wake up.
This is putting the decision in your hands.
I'm sorry that you hate them so,
But you will always have to make them,
And especially this one.
This truly is your decision.
You are the only one who is able to make it.

Don't give me shit about not knowing what I want,
Trying to tell me that's it's really mine after all.
You're wrong.
This one, at least, is yours.
And if you can't even recognize that,
Can't even think about this one thing,
If you can't decide if you want me in your life..
Then you don't.
And that is your decision.
Thank you for making it.
I'll be gone.
Eventually, maybe, I'll understand....

Apocalyptica Feat. Adam Gontier:

2008-11-28T10:39:00.000-08:00

I Don't Care

I try to make it through my life
In my way there's you
I try to make it through these lies
And that's all I do

Just don't deny it
Don't try to fight this
And deal with it
That's just part of it

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
Just go and leave this all behind
'Cause I swear, I don't care

I try to make you see my side
I always try to stay in line
But your eyes see right through
That's all they do

I'm getting buried in this place
I got no room you're in my face
Don't say anything
Just go away

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
Just go and leave this all behind
'Cause I swear,
[I swear]
I don't care

[Not changing everything, you won't be there for me]

[Not changing everything, you won't be there for me]

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care, I don't care
Just go and leave this all behind
'Cause I swear,
[I swear]
I don't care

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care,
[I don't care]
I don't care
[I don't care]
Just go and leave this all behind
I don't care
[I swear]
I don't care.....

At all...

Joseph Daniel [Daydream]

2008-11-26T19:53:00.000-08:00

I can't do it.
I know you have been...
But I can't.
I don't have anything else.
I shouldn't have to work for this.
You shouldn't push me on purpose.
If you keep this up your fears will come true.
You will make them happen.
So do something about it.
Just try for once.
Stop saying poor me.
Start looking around you
and figure out if this is what you want,
cuz if you do,
you have to fight for it too...
You have to pick up where I left off...
Cuz I don't wanna give up,
but I don't have much more.
So you decide.
Be my reality,
or my Daydream?

Wall of Tears...

2008-11-23T21:40:00.000-08:00

So the title pretty much tells it all.
I saw my dad tonight.
Not my "biological" father.
My "He's always been there for me accepts me for who I am
tells me the truth from him and God who will always love me forever" Dad..
I miss him [Wes] and Carrie so much!
See,
He was our youth pastor..
For years he poured into us.
Cared about us.
Went out on limbs for us.
Cried with us!
Encouraged us.
Built us up.
Then God called them to be missionaries...
And then they were gone...
I hadn't seen them in almost two years..
I did tonight..
And I'm literally holding back a wall of tears as I write this.
Where did the fire go?
Where did the passion go?
Where did God go?
When did the youth group stop letting him in?
Why does the new youth pastor [his name is Wes too] not seem to reach for it?
For The Spirit. For the Fire. For More.
I have much too many questions..
I know this.
And I never meant for this blog to turn into a rant.
Or maybe I did.
I'm not really sure.
All I know is.. well.. That I don't know.
Anything.
Other than that God still loves me and has a plan.
And..
Dad and Carrie still love me too!
I love them so much!!
I didn't even realize how much I missed them.
Their hugs.
Their voices.
Their love.
They really love me.
I really love them...
And I miss the... Everything!
I miss belonging somewhere..
Being needed, wanted, and loved somewhere.
I don't know where to turn.
Maybe I should.. I don't know.
I don't.
I really don't.

As far as I've gotten.... [or not]

2008-11-20T21:02:00.000-08:00

Oh kay well...
This is interesting.
I'm literally having to sort through masses of emotions
and situations that are all jumbled up and confusing.
And I just made my mum disappointed AGAIN.
She wants me to eat dinner with her.
I already ate and I told her I was going to.
Now she's all irritated because I'm talking to the boyfriend
instead of watching One Tree Hill with her and eating and laughing
and joking and maybe being happy go lucky.
I can't be happy..
I can't be.
I don't know what the f*ck I'm doing.
I must be insane.
I must be.
God.
I'm on the phone with him fighting tears and he doesn't even know.
Doesn't know why.
Can't know why.
I can't tell him, either.
How do you tell someone they are breaking your heart?
That you're dying slowly inside?
That it's all because you love him?
Because he actually loves you too..
That that's why you're having problems?
Because no matter what I question things.
When he tells me something
[Not promises. He's not allowed to promise.]
and then it changes.
He changes it.
He doesn't tell me.
He acts like it never happened.
He's depressed.
He won't talk.
He doesn't get it.
We're connected and it's killing me and he doesn't even effing know!
God!
Why am I stuck here?
What is wrong with me?
Am I just rambling now?
I believe that indeed I am doing just that...
The thing is..
I need more.
I need him.
Not just his voice, him.
I can't do much more of this..
I'm sinking.
Oh man... It's because of an effing guy!
How did this happen?
I swore it never would..
I would never be drug down by one of them.
They weren't important enough.
They are all scum.
Right?
Isn't that what we're supposed to believe?
Why did he have to prove me wrong?
Why is it breaking my heart?
Why does he do this?
Why doesn't he know?
He said he loves me but.. What?
But what?
I dunno... I dunno...
I just don't... Know.
That's it.
I'm on the phone.
I need to finish that..